Hello everyone, I am new here and I was very reluctant to post on a forum, I wasn't sure it'd help me so I never bothered but at this point, I am desperate for answers. Please take the time to read all of this if you feel like you can help shed a little light/hope into my current ordeal. (Please no negativity) Here is my story, I've always been an anxious person, I've always worried, over thought things, etc. it was until around the age of 15 that I had my first panic experience, it took me awhile but med free I beat it and while life would never be the same again, I was finally living. Life went on and I had my moments, but I was living, I had another episode of anxiety a few years later which resulted in agoraphobia which always resulted in two months of panic, I was in bad shape, peeing in a bottle because I was too afraid to leave my room, of course this experience started with an attack. After several months of "sticking in there" I overcame that, and while I was agoraphobic, the constant state of anxiety drifted and I was living, granted I still got anxious from time to time, still worried, had the random panic every now and then, etc. but I was still living and happy over several things. I was calm a lot. Now while my life hasn't been perfect 24/7, it was manageable, sometimes I trick myself into thinking I that I've always been this way, but I know that isn't true, because I can think back with a little effort and realize that I've had times in my life, while not always perfect, that I felt relaxed, normal and happy. Okay, to the problem at hand, about 6-7 days ago, I had an attack, didn't last long, but I had one, nothing out of the norm for me, but for SOME reason, this attack, while it was the same as the others, left me shaken. I started worrying 24/7 constantly, my fears that I've always had became more "real feeling" and the anxiety didn't fade down to a normal amount. During this week I have had waves of depression, feeling hopeless, like there is no way out. One fear that keeps coming back is the fear of going crazy or losing my mind or not being able to cope. I am not suicidal and would never want to kill myself, but these feelings are SO SCARY and put me in such a tense state 24/7 that I become hopeless, but the thought of suicide scares me, again, another reason why I never would, but I do wish these feelings would go away. I believe this is another "rut/episode" like the two months I spent in my bedroom years back.. only this time it is slightly different, I am not panicking 24/7, but I am anxious. This "rut" seems to be focused more on me mentally than physically. Although this "rut" feels similar in ways, a few ways actually, it is slightly different. It's like, I'm freaking out on the inside. The fears of going crazy, losing my mind, etc. come on and stick around for long periods of time and never fade completely. I have been able to manage before and find happiness in things but now it is like I am totally defeated. I have moments, like as I type this, where I am SOMEWHAT calm, but the thought of never getting better, or this coming back when I do get over it, are still in the back of my mind, and I can't find full peace. I don't have insurance and I'm so afraid of meds, so I am basically just looking to see if anyone else out there has felt this way and to see when it passed for you guys, please only positivity. Sometimes these feelings of hopelessness are so extreme, that I sit and shake and feel totally lost. It's like my mind is constantly jumping from one fear to the next. I keep worrying and worrying and looking for an answer. My last "rut" passed in two months, I am hoping this one passes soon as well. I want to go back to the state of being able to cope. Is it possible that just over time I have finally wore my body and brain out and I'm having a "break down" because I heard the brain takes time to heal after long periods of stress. When will this healing process kick in and when will it pass? Has anyone else ever felt this way, how did you cope and when did it pass for you? Please give me ANY information you have on this. Will I ever "break and go mad" or am I in control? I am just looking for hope. Thank you all.