I Need Assistance ASAP.

[mugzzzz]

Hey! My name is Mia and I'm 18 and I need a lot of help. I recently graduated high school, have an amazing boyfriend of 8 months, and tend to have the happiest view on life.
Recently, a week before I graduated, I had my first panic attack. Ever. It was the scariest thing I had ever been through, it was right after my grandma died. I feel as if this was all brought on by the stress of financing college, graduating highschool, my grandma dying on mother's day, a relationship, etc.
The anxiety did not let up. I began to fear that I had fallen out of love with my boyfriend. That thought made me breakdown. I KNOW in my heart I had not, but the anxiety was telling me to leave and this completely broke me. It was like the anxiety was shooting these thoughts into my head that were so untrue but I could not stop them. Coupled with that, I began to fear I wasn't in reality, that I was a lesbian, that I was going insane. All these things i KNEW weren't true, but my anxiety would not stop telling me were.
I have seen a therapist 3 times, and she said that self talk was the answer. Granted, it did help. But it did not make it go away.
What happened that has terrified me is that I was having a mini-episode, I was so terrified that the anxiety is me "realizing" I'm not in love, that I AM a lesbian even though I have lived my entire life straight, and that I am CHANGING into a different person.
All of these things I know are not true.
But then, all the anxiety stopped. I went completely numb. And I almost wish it was back because I at least felt something. I am terrified that that was the "transition" of me changing into a different person, and now I can no longer be my old self again.
I KNOW in my heart of hearts, that I am in love with my boyfriend. That I have an amazing outlook on the world. That I have been and always will be straight. That I want to continue living without fear.
What do I do? How do I go back to being myself? I am so scared, so numb, so frustrated, and so ready for this to be over.
PS- hearing that I am NOT actually in love is very triggering for me.. I know in my heart what I believe but the anxiety is feeding me lies and I can't take it anymore.
Please.. How do I get rid of this and become myself again?

[mrslizzyg]

Hmmm... I'm going to be honest, I'm taking a shot in the dark here.

It sounds like maybe you are just afraid of life after high school? It's SCARY when you graduate. Life changes a lot. You have to "adult" now, if you will..
I don't know anything about your childhood or how you were raised.. so I'm not sure if this "breakdown" would be related to that. I am also not a therapist I'm just giving my two cents... Is there any part of you that is terrified of getting serious with your boyfriend now? That may be a reason for these thoughts. Trying to protect yourself from the future by just ceasing it from happening.. Giving yourself another option.

What is good that your are noticing is that panic attacks can be a huge trick on our brains. The stuff we feel is usually exaggerated and twisted into what is NOT reality. You are one step ahead of a lot of people for noticing this.

So why are you letting it make you who you are? If you know these feelings are not real...Don't let them dictate you.


If you have anxiety/panic attacks .. the harsh reality is that it WILL change you. I'm not the same person I was before I had my anxiety. Shit, I STILL miss that version of myself sometimes. But it doesn't mean you can't be a different, but amazing, version of yourself again. You are meant to change as you grow up. You will never stay exactly the same.

The only other choice is going to see someone(doctor) about this...

That's all I have to say =/

[Britanica]

I agree about being scared after high school. I had my first attack when I was 17. I spent the two years prior crying a lot, I was cutting myself, felt like no one ever would love me... I was a mess. The ages of 15 and 16 were horrible for me. When I finally started to get happier and calmer, it hit me. I was in the hospital and told I had low blood pressure but looking back now, I think it was just a panic attack that made it drop. They can do some scary things.

Anyways, my point being is that small fears can add up and can make you just be completely torn apart. Feeling like you are changing is depersonalization. Do a google on it. It is common with people who have anxiety problems. You aren't going crazy. Your body is trying to calm down by making "reality" seem less real. If that makes sense.

[mugzzzz]

"If you have anxiety/panic attacks .. the harsh reality is that it WILL change you. I'm not the same person I was before I had my anxiety. Shit, I STILL miss that version of myself sometimes. But it doesn't mean you can't be a different, but amazing, version of yourself again. You are meant to change as you grow up. You will never stay exactly the same.

The only other choice is going to see someone(doctor) about this...

That's all I have to say"


Oh yeah! When I say change I mean that I have changed into everything I feared:
I.e: not in love, gay, blank, unemotional. And I am so scared and all I want is myself back.
When I have obviously been in love, obviously been straight but now I'm just terrified. I know who I am, but I feel like the anxiety took over.

[mrslizzyg]

"If you have anxiety/panic attacks .. the harsh reality is that it WILL change you. I'm not the same person I was before I had my anxiety. Shit, I STILL miss that version of myself sometimes. But it doesn't mean you can't be a different, but amazing, version of yourself again. You are meant to change as you grow up. You will never stay exactly the same.

The only other choice is going to see someone(doctor) about this...

That's all I have to say"


Oh yeah! When I say change I mean that I have changed into everything I feared:
I.e: not in love, gay, blank, unemotional. And I am so scared and all I want is myself back.
When I have obviously been in love, obviously been straight but now I'm just terrified. I know who I am, but I feel like the anxiety took over.

I'm genuinely a little confused! lol.
I thought you said that stuff ISN'T who you are? But now you are saying you HAVE changed into that person?

Just trying to clarify lol.

[mugzzzz]

I'm genuinely a little confused! lol.
I thought you said that stuff ISN'T who you are? But now you are saying you HAVE changed into that person?

Just trying to clarify lol.

It's like this: I know who I am and I love who I am. But the anxiety is relentless telling me these things that have no backing. The anxiety tells me that I've been gay my whole life and I've been in denial, even though I've clearly always been straight. That I've never loved Eric. And I'm so scared that all of this anxiety is me "realizing" all these things. And that's what's terrifying is because I know in my heart what I believe but the anxiety won't let up. It has no basis but it feels like it's taking over my life. I don't want to start believing my anxiety.

[manduwok]

It's like this: I know who I am and I love who I am. But the anxiety is relentless telling me these things that have no backing. The anxiety tells me that I've been gay my whole life and I've been in denial, even though I've clearly always been straight. That I've never loved Eric. And I'm so scared that all of this anxiety is me "realizing" all these things. And that's what's terrifying is because I know in my heart what I believe but the anxiety won't let up. It has no basis but it feels like it's taking over my life. I don't want to start believing my anxiety.

That's the dirty little trick anxiety plays... making us _think_ things are true that are not. I couldn't tell you how many times I've thought that I was going to pass out and I NEVER DID.

Losing a loved one is a serious and scary thing. I lost my mother after Thanksgiving 7 years ago... I still get panicky around the holidays to this day. And I get anxiety over losing my husband or anyone else that I love. I'm willing to bet that some of this is the culmination of a big life change for you (graduating) and losing your grandmother.

The numbness can be part of the anxiety itself... like you're detached from yourself. Sometimes that happens during a panic attack and other times it happens when you're just preoccupied, especially if it is with, well... yourself. Happens to me a lot and I have to remind myself that I'm ok.

Visualization gets us into trouble too. I trigger myself all the time lol... thinking about whatifs about everything you can think of. I think that is what might be happening with your fear of not knowing who you are.

If your heart is screaming that you love Eric... you love Eric! <3 Don't let the anxiety take that away from you. It might be worth seeing a grief counselor as well... it definitely helped me!

Hope this helps...

[Soulcatcher71]

Yeah its amazing how the anxiety can give power to a thought that would normally be easily dismissed. The anxiety actually breathes life into these thoughts and makes them seem like they are ours, but they aren't really.
Basically, if the thoughts cause you worry, then they aren't true - if they were true, you wouldn't fret over them - make sense?