Death/time anxiety and depression ruling my life 24/7

[littlebirdee]

Hi everyone,

I finally caved and made an account after reading several threads, none were *exactly* like what I was feeling, some were close, and I have yet to read anything online that gives me any help or peace, so I guess I'll try posting my own thread.

For the last week or so (and in the past I have battled this as well, I remember being sad about death when I was 7 years old and had panic and anxiety at age 22 as well, I am now 25) I have had constant thoughts of time passing, getting older, and dying, and watching everyone around me die. From the moment I wake up I think "I'll never have this day back" and I try to go and do everything I want to do but it's almost like the white noise in my head is telling me "none of this shit matters anyway, you're just going to end up worm food like everyone else you know and love. All the happiness you ever felt or will feel will fade into nothing". Obviously I am not religious and never have been so no comfort in the afterlife.

Everything makes me want to cry and sleep. I see a happy picture of my boyfriend and I from just two years ago and I burst into tears and shake knowing we'll never be that young again and that I may never be that happy again. I'm so so terrified of spending the rest of my life like this. I used to take lots of photos of me with my boyfriend for fun and to preserve memories and recently ordered a photo book of great photos of us from our first two years together and now I can't stomach to look at it because it makes me want to vomit.

I have tried talking with my mom who just offers "I'm way ahead of you kid, enjoy being young xoxo" which just makes me dread knowing that I'll lose her one day and there's NOTHING I can do about it. My dad has his own anxiety issues so I fear triggering further panic in him by mentioning aging as he is very sentimental and I suspect suffers some of this to a lesser extent.

I have been crying to my boyfriend who has been supportive and listening to me and has been keeping cool, calm and rational by saying "when you're dead you won't be sad, and you have a long time to live, focus on the now" and even got me to meditate and breathe with him, but the moment I stop meditating I think about how lovely and amazing he is and how dearly I love him and I can't bear to think that we will be old and useless one day or that I will be without him, or he without me. I want to stay in our 20s forever in our beautiful apartment in California with our adorable little cat and all our loved ones around us to talk to and visit and laugh with. I am the opposite of suicidal, I LOVE my life so much and love everyone in it to pieces. My heart feels like it's constantly breaking and I wish I could go back to ignoring the passage of time like everyone else. I don't want to be old and wake up with aches and pains knowing the end is near and my parents, beloved older cousins, aunts and uncles are all long gone.

So far nothing has shaken this feeling. I spent most of today just weeping, getting some essential tasks done (felt like I was going through the motions) and eagerly waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work (I work from home). I just want to hold him and cry and cry and cry as if that will somehow keep him here with me in this moment, in this year, for longer. Then I feel a wave of guilt for wasting these moments feeling sad. It's just awful.

I've read hundreds of forum posts and anxiety and depression forums and "death is painless and releases lots of happy endorphins when you pass don't fear it" kinds of things and "you were dead billions of years before you were born and didn't mind" and it drives me up the wall because it all just induces further dread and sadness in me. I don't want to love my life so much that I'm a weeping sappy depressed person like this anymore. I want to love life and still have energy to live the rest of it. I feel like I'm 80 looking back on memory lane sometimes and feel that everything must be coming to an end soon because I feel so, so, so sad and nostalgic.

It's gotten to the point where I dread the thought of maybe one day having a child, because my heart breaks at the thought of them reaching my age and feeling this sense of despair about the end of their early life, and knowing they too would die one day. Everything hurts and I just want to go back to being blissfully ignorant of my own demise like all my loved ones seem to do.

[gypsylee]

Hi and welcome

I enjoyed reading your post, especially things like how the pics of you and your bf make you want to vomit lol. I know it's not funny but it sounds funny to an outsider.

Anyway, I think you've posted in the right section because this sounds like depression to me. Depression colours how we think and feel about things, and the crying thing and being so emotional is telltale. I know you said you're the opposite of suicidal but that doesn't mean you aren't depressed.

Have you been on anti-depressants or thought about it? I think they might help you.

All the best,
Gypsy x

[littlebirdee]

thanks for the reply, yes it does sound strange to someone not feeling it and I know I would have rolled my eyes or laughed at myself just a few weeks ago, but the feelings are so overwhelming that's what it really feels like right now.


I am scared of anti depressants mainly because I have other family members who have had bad results (increased suicidal feelings/sadness) from them, and one cousin gained about 60 pounds on lexapro and fell into a further spiral, so I guess I have anxiety about anti anxiety meds, haha. I am blessed to live in California and easy access to medical marijuana which takes the edge off but I hate not being able to be sober and 100% myself and aware and happy and living in the present. being stoned all the time is not my idea of a proper solution to this but i'll take anything at this point to stop some of the sadness.

[gypsylee]

Fair enough.. SSRIs have worked well for me (and my brother) but they don't gel well with some people. Weed actually adds to depression in the long run but you probably know that and I totally know what it's like to need help taking the edge off things.

[gypsylee]

Oh and your bf is right about you having a long time to live and focusing on the now it's easier said than done though I know. Maybe look into Mindfulness techniques and meditation?

[Mr Jingles]

It's gotten to the point where I dread the thought of maybe one day having a child, because my heart breaks at the thought of them reaching my age and feeling this sense of despair about the end of their early life, and knowing they too would die one day. Everything hurts and I just want to go back to being blissfully ignorant of my own demise like all my loved ones seem to do.

Your post made me think. That's always dangerous.

But, I've heard and it makes sense to me that anxiety and depression are often coming from our ego's fear of dying, loss, inevitability of change, etc. I don't experience the feelings you do around the passage of time DIRECTLY. But I think I do indirectly. I fear all the things I can't control about my life, my mind making me feel like I'll go crazy, other people's opinions of me, etc.

You're seeing a truth, I think. Life does really suck and had no meaning or point. No real anchor or control. When I'm depressed, I see things like this, and they are true... Relatively.

There are other things that are equally true, like it feels good to be with people I love or appreciate. I like being creative and it just feels great to lose myself in a task. Yes, my creativity is pointless seen from another perspective... But I also enjoy it, love it.

Sorry if I'm unclear. As I said, when I think too much sometimes it's dangerous...

[littlebirdee]

Thank you both for your responses

I have been meditating 20 minutes a day in the morning when my feelings are at their worst, it is a good temporary distraction but being overly emotional I think "wow it was just yesterday when my boyfriend was telling me about meditation" and the whole "time is passing so fast" thing hits and punches me in the stomach. Everything, and I mean everything, makes me sad it seems. No real rhyme or reason to it.

that's my fear Mr. Jingles, I've always considered myself someone who likes to see the truth in things. I am terrified that how I am feeling is the "truth" or how things REALLY are while everyone else is blissfully aware of what's "behind the curtain" so to speak. I just scroll through Facebook and think "how can you be entertained by all these tv shows? Aren't you terrified looking back at the earlier seasons seeing how youthful and vibrant everyone was and how they're just going to be old nobodies soon? How that applies to you too?" This is a thought that's been quietly with me for a while but only has REALLY hit hard this past week for whatever reason.

Another thing, I feel it's getting worse because I look forward to sleep and dread waking up because often my first thoughts waking up are filled with panic and dread about another day having gone by, then I panic about wasting it, then I panic because how can I waste it if it's pointless, etc. The best way I can describe the feeling is a really bad heartbreak, just over and over over the course of a day. I need an "off switch" but can't seem to find one even in the things i used to enjoy doing (playing video games, watching movies, spending time with friends, etc). I would love to be able to lose myself in a task again. I actually draw freelance cartoons for a living and I'm finding it morbidly hilarious to continue drawing cute vibrant happy cartoons while I'm sitting here at the computer crying my eyes out. Going through the motions.

[justbill]

From the moment I wake up I think "I'll never have this day back" and I try to go and do everything I want to do but it's almost like the white noise in my head is telling me "none of this shit matters anyway, you're just going to end up worm food like everyone else you know and love. All the happiness you ever felt or will feel will fade into nothing". Obviously I am not religious and never have been so no comfort in the afterlife.

Littlebirdee-
I was going through something similar about 3 years ago, and I happened upon a conversation with someone. I was quite drunk at the time, and she was quite sober mind you, but I asked her-What is the meaning of life? And she gave the best answer I've ever heard. It took me awhile to understand it, but once I did it really did help with my "why am I here and what is the point" problem.

The answer she gave was simple-The meaning of life, is to live a life with meaning.

Meditate on that, and I hope it helps.

[littlebirdee]

Littlebirdee-
I was going through something similar about 3 years ago, and I happened upon a conversation with someone. I was quite drunk at the time, and she was quite sober mind you, but I asked her-What is the meaning of life? And she gave the best answer I've ever heard. It took me awhile to understand it, but once I did it really did help with my "why am I here and what is the point" problem.

The answer she gave was simple-The meaning of life, is to live a life with meaning.

Meditate on that, and I hope it helps.

Thank you for your response and I am glad I am not alone. I try to give myself a meaning to live each day - talk to a loved one, read something new, draw something new - but it all seems to fall in the face of death. I am terrified I won't be able to shake these thoughts or feelings. I was watching a favorite show with my boyfriend yesterday and started breathing heavily and felt panic just seeing familiar faces from earlier seasons and knowing they were all growing old and dying too. So I tried cartoons because hey, cartoons never get older right? but I watched one of my favorites from when I was a kid - A Goofy Movie - and not only is the movie 20 years old (I remember watching it on VHS tape yesterday!) but the damn theme of the film is getting older and life changes. It's almost hilarious how morbid and sad everything feels to me.

My boyfriend gave me a big hug this morning and said "if you need me, I can take a sick day and we can go to that breakfast place you love" and I just burst out sobbing, I felt the "fast forward" button again to when I'm old and don't remember or care about the breakfast spot or this day or this moment. I just can't let go of the dread knowing all of this is going to disappear. I love my boyfriend and my little breakfast spot. I feel ill knowing it will all crumble in the face of time. I just need a way to shake it but I'm so, so scared I can't.

I called a depression hotline and they just told me to see a counselor. Same with another depression chat. I saw a counselor in college and they weren't much use, and I don't have a car to get to a counselor. Why can't I find help online?

[Im-Suffering]

Who passed on that you were close with? And how did they pass?