Couple of random negative emotions evoked this past couple of days. Namely, it's about parents. My GF and me were out on Saturday afternoon, driving around. For whatever reason, we started to talk about our folks. I was slightly "inspired" by things brought up by Im-Suffering in this thread, so I said our parents are straight up fools (not in a derogatory way) because they've been giving us false and mixed signals our entire lives. They slapped us across the face almost daily for anything and everything, from mundane things to things that were "slap-worthy" so to speak. My GF told me her mom used to hit her regularly, and that is something completely unfathomable to me. Because I've seen my father yell at my mom, throw her dinner on the floor, yell at my mom's sister, and yell at my sister before he kicked her out of the house (she went to our aunt's place, returned 2 days later).

I even watched my father yell at his own father. I walked in the house and in the living room my father was going rampant yelling at his 80 year old father for "not being supportive of him when he was a kid" type of talk. The old man just sat there with a blank stare. Eventually my father told him to get out of the house. Funny thing is, the house that my father lives in is the one he inherited from that man. I told my GF none of our parents were ready for any of the things they press on us to do (marriage, kids). And still their entire mantra is; we didn't worry about money, we didn't wait for the right time and somehow it all worked out.

I guess, in their eyes, it did work out. Because whenever I even hinted at critiques of their upbringing methods, I got shut down, my father used to say "don't start the Oprah hogwash".

I also get automatically frustrated, or should I say agitated when I see incoming call from my parents on my phone, namely my mom. It just gets me in an instant "what do you want now" mode. Always the same mundane questions. I don't even bother to answer questions with anything more than "yes", "no" or "i don't know - maybe". I know this is extremely childish. But I don't feel I should be polite and cordial all the time. Why would I fake it? If their phone call makes me feel a certain way, I'll show it.

After all, they never bothered to bottle their emotions towards me for 20+ years. So I don't feel obligated to change the "heart on the sleeve approach" with them. I know I know, it's childish and I should know better. But I don't want to.

I notice that I have pretty significant up and down type of mood swings (if that's the correct term). On weekends, I'm happy, relaxed, and generally feel great about majority of things, if I don't think about my car and my financial situation. But as soon as the working week starts, I get pissed. I start to think - I've been doing this 9-5 shit for years and I still don't have anything. I ask myself what's the point of getting up in the morning. Other people at least bought a house, a car, they did something. I managed to get myself in such situation, I can't afford a new car. So I'm the bottom of the 9-5 barrel and it frustrates me. During the week my creative aspirations get shattered, because all I can think about is how little money I make. And every cloud of creative thought pops immediately out of my head and gets replaced by the "you won't to creative shit, you're old and broke" voice.