yet another depressed individual

[olwuwopte]

First off, I'm the one lucky to have someone like you giving me such thoughtful and well written, insightful advice. I really appreciate it, I owe you, really.

The thoughts are the result, or sum total, of the..conditioning, and the self suggestions in response to that. So you received all 3. Finally not caring at all, too absorbed in their own personal issues.

Is it far fetched to say (not trying to make excuses with this, just asking) am I damaged goods? Is my situation really bad or not that extreme? I don't know how other people are raised and what kind of relations they have with their folks, all I know is my situation.

The child taken on the responsibility of the 'guilty party' in all cases because it would rather blame itself than the parent, the parent must be seen as 'good' and knowing. It learns from the parent, whether the parent is a moron is of no consequence, the child cannot reason that out. The parent is 'perfect' and 'justly right' to take away the magazines, and if ultimately the child is abandoned and ignored, then the child is worthless.

Yeah, this is clearly the majority of parents-kids relationship. Once you start countering any argument they make, most of them double down on strictness because I guess it's all about retaining the alpha role in the pack. And after 18+ years of such treatment, I guess it's hard to switch from that to "normal", whatever normal is.

So you can relate your current experiences with your art, photography, self worth, etc - to the still childish feelings, so to speak. In a sense nothing can be right until they finally approve, hold you and love you. But this may be unreasonable expectations for an adult now. The child is still waiting for them to come around, you see. Dont wait for that to happen, or youll waste your whole life.

I really don't have anything more to say on this. Another nail hit. My GF told me that I'll really learn how mature or changed I am if I go back to my parents for couple of days. It turned out to be true, after couple of "honey moon" days, all of the old rotten shitty relationship gunk comes out. It's fascinating really. It happens literally out of nowhere.

But I'm back living on my own with my GF and when I go to my parents house to say hi and grab something from my ever-growing room closet depository (I can't believe how much "stuff" I piled up over 10 years of living out of that house...) it starts off casual, polite, hey this hey that...and then as soon as one trigger word is out, I can feel it derail and I can also recognize the point of no return. And then I usually tell her (my mom, I get in fights or arguments with her quickly) that I need to go to get some sleep for tomorrows work.

I really hate to be like this, I feel as if I disrespect her, which feels wrong, but then again when I try to act reasonable, it doesn't help, it gets to a point of arguing and it's all downhill from there.

Play out the memory, visually, of when you took on the pain. Such as the days when they took things away without explanation. Examine your feelings, try to release the hurts, regrets, guilt, you were let down - abandonment (emotionally) - play it out in the psyche because its yours to clear and you cannot do it externally.

I think I'll need some kind of reset situation for this, a voyage maybe.

But I am proud to be apart of this personal growth period, so thank you for allowing me in.

I am lucky to have you taking time and effort to give me your input and insight.