yet another depressed individual

[olwuwopte]

So i design my posts to open a tiny door, of the imagination just enough to let a little light in. Sometimes you need to rebuild self, by shattering core beliefs.

And you do it very well, thank you very much.

where the limits are that like an electric fence, bounce you back if you stray to far out of bounds.

True. I have many, many fences in me and I have a hard time trying to make them go away. I want to, I really do, and I'll do my best to make them disappear. I'll give you couple of examples. One of my interests is art, conventional, digital, doesn't matter. Plenty of times I wanted to go and do that with my life but then I hear "voices" in my head saying "who cares about your art, what is art anyway, are you planning on selling it, overpriced selfish selfabsorbed shit for pretentious people, it's not for you leave it alone".

When I see my acquaintances do something, I feel jealousy mixed with "they're not smarter than me"...for example, few of them have indie bands and they sound average at best, some of them do photography and it's really not special (I'm not hating) but they present it as if it's a museum material. And some people fall for it.

Me on the other hand, whenever I share something I created (rarely) I try to distance myself from critique or from being taken seriously by leaving some dry humor sarcastic annotation or something similar. It's as if I want to put myself down and not "rise" above what I think others think about me. I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I keep shooting myself in the foot.

I want you to see those thoughts and expectations are illusions based off false ideas about who you are, and what you are capable of. Also what the world is, and your relationships with other people. You certainly cannot live your ideal life, your dreams, while under such a trance. And that is the great truth, as you create your reality, by your expectations and thoughts, as the universe recreates your thoughts in physical terms, you are so entranced by it, that you forget your hands in it. As if you were to keep putting glove after glove onto your hands, eventually you would lose feeling, you would be out of touch with your hands, and forget you could even use them to feel. You would say "I have no feeling in my hands, so I wont touch that", when all you need to do is take the gloves off.

I'm aware that most of my experiences in life are only result of my own perceptions and the results of such perceptions. Could it have anything to do with my parents or should I leave any outside factor alone? Not trying to blame anyone, just trying to figure out where did such low self esteem of mine stem from. I used to get "mixed reviews" from parents, probably depending on their marriage dynamic of that day. One day they would support me, give me compliments on my hobbies etc (I kept buying some art magazines when I was a kid) but then if I made them angry, they would take all my magazines away...and that's the back and forth I played with them.

When I got to high school, they stopped with it, because at that time they were almost going to court to get a divorce. So I had horrible grades in high school and skipped classes regularly, but they didn't really care about it.

But those are gloves on my hands, I understand. I have to take those off.

You are learning the power of self and your idea constructions - by physically experiencing your thoughts. You must examine your whole belief system for integrity and value, not to the child inside, but to the current self. The hurt child inside cares what daddy does with his money, because he angry or fearful (I asked for that toy and he did not care enough to get it for me, I felt unloved), where the current self couldnt care, dad can do as he wishes, and you can do the same. So you will find a great deal of the beliefs you are running on automatic as an adult, are outdated from a childs perspective. You are in a very real sense a small child in a mans body reacting to life day to day from his perspective because you never thought to question your beliefs (childhood conditioning), and thus you are living in a 10 year olds world of hurt, jealousy, guilt, shame, blame -

You understand ?

You say "Why do I have this thought", "Who is having this thought?", "and where does this thought come from?" then you dig and dig until you uproot the distortion. The belief or thoughts that generate the feelings you want to get rid of.

Would you suggest that completely detaching myself from this current life reality would help me in clearing my mind and actually getting some fresh perspetvie on my belief system, direction, end goal etc.? As you've said, current schedule really leaves no room for pondering, and you really did put it right, I'm living like a bot on automatic, everything I do is semi-rushed, because my whole life revolves around getting to sleep early enough so I can get up early enough to get to work.

Lastly for today, your imagination is the key to finding beliefs in memory, and creating your life. Your life is the way it is today because of the repeated beliefs that you play out in your imagination. This creates your future tomorrows. You literally walk into tomorrow from todays ideas of it. So I it would behoove you to learn to control your mind, in a sense that knowing this you can create purposefully. And by the way, there are no exceptions here, like disease, car accidents, pain and suffering, money or lack of it, if you are robbed, all of the experiences you encounter, are of your own creation, some on a larger scale are created en mass by you and a number of your peers. This is how reality in general globally is held together with a sense of duration and congruity. Your house does not disappear from your street and then reappear you see, that reality would confuse you. So by the miracle of creation you keep a relatively stable environment going.

You must do the work, you see....Hiding out in mom and dads (or anywhere) wont clear the psyche, or set it free. But attract more of the same old. New steps open new pathways - new opportunities.

That is all for now.

I understand. The part about walking into tomorrow with todays idea got to me. That's completely true. Days are really in a kind of rinse repeat mode and how can anything change if I don't work for the change and do action towards it. Thanks for your brilliant post. I really, really appreciate it and I hope we keep chatting like this every now and then, it really helps having someone putting great insight like like that...thanks.