yet another depressed individual

[olwuwopte]

You create your reality, you have forgotten your hand in it, and so the depressive state, or despondency, a better term, is self created by decisions and actions wholly from the self - and your beliefs, especially childhood conditioning in relation to marriage, relationships, and your own gifts, what you are capable of. These 'facts' or your world view dictate what you experience, it cannot be any other way. If you create the pain (or joy), you are meant to feel it physically, as a result of your mental fulfillment, or lack thereof.

I understand this, and I also like the way you put it. Will re-read it couple of times for sure, just to "get it thru".

The family and to an extent the girl and the environs are enablers, and the sooner the self picks up the bootstraps and moves out into the fear, the sooner the demons will be scared away, and life, like the parting of the seas, will move out of the way, for the man who is determined to find his life. And creative expression. An enabling lifestyle will crumble, eventually. You will knock it down yourself, as part of the repressed energies. So you better be aware what you are up to. Aware of the choices made, and the probable future created by them.

If I understand correctly, you're saying that I should choose wisely between not taking any action and staying in the "comfort zone" or something similar - or reassess the situation, evaluate pros and cons, make a calm, mature decision and be completely aware of its possible side effects? Creative expression is something that's definitely crippling with my current mindset.

If you trace back your thoughts, actions and so forth, you will see at any given time, looking down the road, that you got what you expected. (feel it).

This is completely true, nothing that's happening in my life right now surprises me in any way. It only frustrates me.

Moving back into 'your room', looking back, you can see how this may have backfired. And to some degree then, you want to develop clear thinking, that is the purpose. With clarity, you can fine tune your intent. The difficulty is in clarity itself, how do you get clear? By acting in your highest regard for self, in your best interests and out of love for who you are. Then you can never go astray from souls intent. The face that the 'highest regard for self' would take (in your decisions)? Love.

Like they say, now when my hindsight is 20/20, of course moving back was a mistake - and not just because I had my GF with me - that only amplified the "mistake" of it. It was a mistake because I thought I could lean on my parents for a while until I get my life in order.

My sister never moved out of that house for 30 years, up until couple of months ago when she got a job out of state. And she was always lecturing me about how I should live my life. Me trying to make things work, paying the rent etc. getting lectured by her, living in the same room for 30 years not paying anything.

Funny thing was, when my GF and me "moved in", we had this big "family talk" where we agreed to split the expenses (perfectly logical) of the household. But my father told me that after we left, they (my mom and sister, who are not on great terms with my dad) stopped participating. I should've known. But maybe I was acting purely egotistical, shortsighted thinking.

I feel like it left a mark on me. Whenever I see my mom calling me on my phone I get nervous, pissed. I have my art website where I try to develop my skills, build an audience etc. I keep it away from my Facebook because I don't want someone on my Facebook who knows my mom, to see it. But that whole pathetic effort is futile since she told me the other day she found out about my website (not hard to find out, my real name is the address). And now, when I want to post something........I keep thinking "what if she sees this, I don't want to share something I wanted to because I don't want her to see it".

I know, I'm crazy.

Come from great love, honor, and respect for the self. Now moving back to 'the room' looks a bit differently, doesnt it? Not all that good a decision. It was a decision made from fear, which is on the opposite side of the love coin, love's misguided and distorted step brother.

Agree. Out of fear, hastily. Also, I would say it was kinda desperate act, because all I could think about at the time was "all the rent/expenses money we will save".

know the despondency or depression is from indecision, decisions you should have made but let fester (or wrong haphazard faulty decisions), which turned to doubt, to worry, and ultimately to fear and 'stuck' or powerless, like you are playing a game of telephone, where you have finally forgotten you are the instigator. and in the end memory loss and blame. Its your life, if the fear says "I cannot" then you must examine why, and endeavor to take small steps to change beliefs, that are false, and move into a new life. It would surprise you how easy it is, when you finally decide. A clear decision is power, you see. And you need that sense of personal empowerment to break you free.
Maybe more later if needed.

You don't understand how grateful I am for your post. You wrote it very well, without being preachy, pretentious and even though I'm kinda cynical type of bastard, you made me read it couple of times. It seems like an easy task. Seems like all I have to do is to re-examine my own life. Maybe my inner desire to travel/roam somewhere, anywhere, for a month or two would be a good thing to do. The job I currently have is dull. I am on a hunt for a better job and since I don't have kids yet, I am completely, in every sense of the word, ready to relocate wherever on this planet for that job. It's just an experience.

After all, I don't have nothing to lose, only to gain. My parents have some real estate / land but they can never sit down with my sister and me to talk about their plans with that land. Both of us are 30, they are 60, and if they plan to take that land to their graves, all the power to them. Something tells me they are a bit narcissistic, because parents should help their kids if they can. But maybe they enjoy watching me hustle through life, I know they're from the baby boomer generation where "working hard" was the most important thing, computers are "not real jobs" because they don't give your hands any blisters etc. I'm at peace if they choose not to give us anything. It is kinda painful but I have to accept it. Last year my father lended 20K to a friend of his - because he was in a financial rut and he decided he will sell the car to get some money. My father told him "you shouldn't sell your car, heres 20K". All while I'm broke looking for a job, living in a rented apartment. I guess that's a lesson too. And I'll stop with this parent talk because I feel like I'm making excuses, and I'm not. The only person to blame for my current situation is me and nobody else, I just want to make that point.

Thanks for the post man. Really appreciate it.