Intense guilt over past mistakes

[Amadeus]

I have done many bad things in my teenage years and early 20's. I am a different person now (I'm about to turn 23) and feel some very intense guilt and shame from the things I have done.

I've read similar stories but they all seem to be suffering from irrational guilt. Mine is very rational because the things I did were definitely horrible but I'm thinking that my anxiety and OCD might be fueling it as well. I feel like I don't deserve happiness ever again and can't enjoy my life even though I know that now I am a better person and I've learned from my mistakes. I'm seeing a therapist about it but would also like to hear other people's input.

Maybe I deserve this pain forever? Has anyone here ever experienced such feelings?

[Im-Suffering]

Let it go, now.

I am a different person now .

Maybe I deserve this pain forever?

You are literally not the same person you were, and so the new you can be set free from the past.

In (ultimate) truth, it does not matter what you have done. You are forgiven, overall, like a warm blanket of love and acceptance.

Guilt (and shame) are worse on the self (as an emotion) than any crime or act, and you are perverting its intended purpose to suit your need for self-punishment. Through self pity you are looking for acceptance from peers, even from the therapist, as if by some magic, the longer you self hate, the lesser the crime will feel, and the jury will acquit you..

The anxiety and OCD are in great measure due to the fear of imprisonment, symbolically in the mind (you are imprisoned), and the loss of liberty should your secrets be revealed. Or in your terms, you get what you deserve.

Say to self:

"I have committed this act, or wrong, and I will not repeat it." Then go on and do good. Not because you fight a lie, but because to do good is right. This will clear the conscience.

End of guilt. Unless you wish to tear yourself inside out. In that case, it is all your doing, no one is imposing such a sentence upon you, as your imagination would continually suggest. You have sat on death row, in your mind, long enough to be pardoned.

Know, that you are a product of conditioning, as culture and society favors punishment. And so although you were not on trial, your beliefs corroborate society as a whole. And so its not only the cycle of self hate, because to keep guilt charged within you, you must feel your peers hate you as well. This of course is a distorted and twisted view of reality, and the product of the prolonged guilt itself.

In any case, you may listen here or not, receive enlightenment or not, its your choice. To heal and let go or not. This message is intended for all readers (you) not just the OP.

[delekatala]

Its hard to speak, because your idea of horrible and my idea of horrible might be two different horribles. I hope you are not a serial killer....... and I will assume you aren't. In general though, the past is the past. Try to put those thoughts out of your mind, and move forward to be the best person you can be. I was 23 ten years ago! I swear that ten years from now you will look back and these things will seem so less important. It always passes.

[StokesM]

No one deserves to suffer from anxiety related illness.

You defiantly need to not punish yourself for past mistakes. I tend to have flashbacks of bad things i did too.
Its not an easy thing to stop guilt but it helps if you justify what you did to yourself in a rational way.

I will use a light heartend example; "Mom your a stupid idiot and i wish you would leave"

Now in this situation your mom is your mom and deep down you know you should not of said the above

However it eases the anxiety if you justify it someway and avoid blaming yourself so you might say;

I know I should not of said that however (however been the key word) at the time mom was pushing my buttons i felt offended and i reacted this is what
any other human would do.

Hope this helps.

[Amadeus]

Thank you all for your kind words. I know it's tough but I'll try to let go of these thoughts and focus on the present.