Hello everyone. This is going to sound pathetic, but please. Help me.

[Saber_Wing]

Hi there, everyone. I apologize in advance for the giant rant you're about to see. I literally just googled anxiety forums and found this one, because I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry. I should introduce myself at least, before I allow myself to indulge in way more self-loathing than is good for me. My name is Paige. I am 23 years old, I love to read, write and game in my spare time. I have a full-time job, and a cat who has me wrapped around her finger. A family, and friends that I love very much. I shuffle between having high self confidence, to hating my every word or action when I do something 'wrong' or make someone angry with me because of something I've done or said. I'm having more and more trouble controlling my anxiety lately, and seeing the good parts of me I know are there. I just keep focusing on the bad, which I know full well is extremely unhealthy.

I've never been diagnosed by a doctor, but I don't need to be. I know that I have very nearly what is a textbook case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I cannot do anything without thinking of fifty different ways it could go wrong. Before I even walk outside in the morning to go to work, I am already preparing for the worst. I've trained myself to be that way. It's bred into every bone of my body. I get irritated easily, I stress out if I have too many things thrown at me at once. I hate any situation that is uncertain, and I hate change because of that. I also have social anxiety. Crowds make me nervous. I have to psych myself up to make phone calls, and I'm usually shaking by the time they're done. I've also been feeling a little dizziness, and I've been getting sick more as well. People stress me out. They exhaust me.

I've been thinking about going to a doctor lately, to get some sort of help, some medication to stabilize me, but even when I think about it, my mind won't stop telling me no. "What if your medical insurance runs out? What if the doctors have to run a ton of tests before they can help you? Do you really want to do that? Do you really need this or are you just not trying hard enough? You should just stop talking. You should just stop thinking. You should just go away. Nobody needs you. They won't miss you."

All my mind ever gives me is an endless slew of questions and mapped-out scenarios of what might happen and how much everyone must hate me, and I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting it. I'm not even sure if I'm making much sense at the moment because I know I'm right on the edge of a panic attack, and I can't stop thinking. I can't stop typing. I'm sorry.

Suggestions, please? Anything. I can't do this on my own. For once in my life, I just want someone to tell me. What should I do?

[alex42]

I know all the feelings you are describing. Sorry you're mind is taking you to those places. Meds DO help. Not all the time, but most. In my opinion anyway...

[andydroid]

Hi Paige, I'm Andy. I have a lot of the same issues, and you don't have to feel alone. It's always okay to reach out and ask for help, like what you're doing here. Nobody experiences mental health issues in exactly the same way, so I can't guarantee you anything that will work for you, but I can offer some advice and personal experiences.

It would be preferable for you to get a diagnosis, I think. It would help to better treat the symptoms that you have, and it would be best to see a psychiatrist rather than a regular family doctor. If you've never seen one, they are just like seeing a regular doctor except they specialize in treating mental health issues with medication. Tell them everything you've told us on here, and anything else you can think of. Write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to them if it helps, I've done that before. Your anxiety sounds really extreme and it also sounds like it greatly affects your day to day life. A psychiatrist will ask you questions about your emotional state, the earliest you remember feeling the way you do, any family history of mental illness, and questions about feelings of hopelessness or thoughts of suicide. It isn't what it looks like in the movies. You may also want to look into seeing a mental health counselor. The difference between the two is that a psychiatrist visit is like going to the doctor, while seeing a counselor will sit with you for about an hour each session to get to know you and your problems.

Reach out to your friends and family and let them know that you need help. They may have never seen the signs of anxiety in you, as we are usually pretty good at masking our feelings, but be assertive and tell them everything. You can't expect them to fully understand what you're going through but they should be able to see that you are serious about this. Hope I helped a little.

[Kuma]

I think Andy gave you good advice. The only thing I would add is there are some psychiatrists who do psychotherapy as well as psychopharmacology. In other words, they not only prescribe medication but also talk with you for an hour or so, each session, to help you work through the issues and concerns you are facing. I prefer that model to the alternative of having a psychiatrist prescribe medication and another professional (psychologist or whatever) do therapy -- because I think therapy and medication work best when they are integrated. My preferred approach is not always possible, for economic and insurance reasons. But I wanted to let you know that it does exist.

[Saber_Wing]

Thank you so much for your words, everyone, and your support. I wasn't in a good place last night when I posted this. I suppose I'm still not if I'm being honest with myself. Andy, I think you're right and that I should see a psychiatrist at the very least. Anxiety has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I just didn't understand what it was until I was much older, and for awhile after that, it took me a bit to swallow my pride and admit I have a problem. I've always been told you have to be able to handle your problems by yourself, and I think I took that to an extreme and told myself it meant I couldn't accept 'help' like medication either. As you said, I'm usually very good at masking my feelings of hopelessness and putting on a happy face when I'm working during the day. I have only just recently let my family know that my anxiety is as bad as it is, and that I think I need help for it. They've tried to be supportive, as have my friends.

Medical insurance wise, I have Medicaid, so I think I have to go to my family doctor first to get a referral to someone who specializes, such as a psychiatrist. I'm going to look into it though. I don't like the way I was thinking last night. I need to take this seriously and tackle it head on, because it's not going to go away. It's getting worse.

You did help, all of you. Thank you . I'm going to keep working at this and try not to lose hope.

[andydroid]

Your state's medicaid should have a website that lets you search for doctors in your area that will accept your insurance. You will still have to call the offices and see if they have openings available. I always hate making calls too but I haven't developed x-men powers yet to send thoughts to them. Just ask them if they are accepting new medicaid patients, and have your medicaid card with you ready in case they need any information.

[Saber_Wing]

Okay, I'll do that. Thank you so much. I can only hope the doctor will be able to do something that will help me.

[andydroid]

Remember to pay attention to any changes to yourself when you start taking medication as well. Side effects are usually minor but if they are troublesome then don't hesitate to call your doctor's office and they will tell you what to do and get you back in there as soon as possible. I was having bad side effects from medication and I called my psychiatrist today and they got me in the same day, which is pretty awesome.