New and wanted to share my story
I've turned to this forum because I really don't know what else to do! Some days everything seems normal and other days my anxiety is so bad I don't want to leave the house!
I believe that I've had bad anxiety my whole life but I didn't realize anything was wrong because that was normal for me. However, over past 3 years it's just been getting worse. Moving from just emotional and mental symptoms to full blown physical symptoms that give me extremely bad health anxiety. I didn't realize how bad my anxiety was until I actually started to get the physical symptoms. I've read that so much emotional and mental anxiety can eventually manifest itself as physical symptoms and that's when I realized that ZI have a problem.
Being a kid I always remember being extremely socially anxious. I was always called shy, quiet etc. Even though inside I really had so much to say, I just feared being judged or rejected by my peers and teachers. So I kept myself reserved. That is until I went to college. Was upset with who I was and what I had become so promised myself to make a change. And just like that I became so social and happy I didn't even know who I was anymore. I started meeting new people, going to the gym, getting good grades finding enjoyment in everything, etc. etc. I began having a lot of fun drinking and smoking and experimenting with all sorts of new things. I had a really good relationship with this girl and things were going awesome. I think the greatest part of the whole trip was I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. Granted I cared about normal things like hygiene, security, grades, work, etc. But I didn't care what people thought, didn't have any fear of rejection or failing and I started getting good at lots of different hobbies. I was selfish in the sense that I only cared about myself but it really turned my life around. I really started to see the good in everything. Instead of staring at the clock just waiting for the day the end I started filling it with things that made it go by fast. Even when I was in class I used to just pay attention and see the good in it all the time even though most of the time I didn't want to be there. I thought there was no way I was going back to my old self.
Then the depersonilization/ derealization nonsense started. I remember like it was yesterday. I almost felt as if I was high at work that day. Start getting weird thoughts and ideas that none of this is real, it's all in my head, felt like I was going crazy etc. But it only lasted a little while and continued on with everything. At this point I started getting into the gym scene pretty seriously, I was in the best shape of my life and started to feel really good. Started hitting some plateaus and a friend suggested that I take a prohormone. So I did and the 2 months I was on it including the post cycle I felt amazing. Two weeks after coming off I had my first really bad panic attack. I was doing my normal gym routine when suddenly I just felt this strong sense of unease, then the heart palpitations, dizzy, lightheaded, I really thought I was having a heart attack because of the hormones. Had a frined drive me to the er and they said I was completely fine and most likely suffered a panic attack. For about a month after that the physical symptoms just kept coming in waves. One day it was the heart palpitations the next day it was dizziness. I constantly felt like something bad was gonna happen to me. The worst part was because of all the symptoms I went right back to my old self. The new me turned completely in on myself and once again I was the shy quiet kid too nervous to talk or be social. I started to rely on my girlfriend for comfort thinking she was the only one that made me feel "alright." My grades began to slip because all I could focus on was my physical symptoms. I then started my Google escapade searching every symptom and convincing myself I had heart problems, a brain tumor, MS, you name it. I eneded up just going to the doctor to get some relief from him telling me nothing was wrong. He did some blood work and it turned out I had mono. Did some more googling and found a whole page of people with anxiety caused from mono. Boom just like that, all my symptoms went I away. I felt at ease and comfortable in my body and began being my outgoing self again. This time followed by probably the greatest year of my life.
Then I guess life just hit. I started to get really unsatisfied with everything. I couldn't stop thinking that there has to be more to life than what I have now. So I started to get really depressed. No longer enjoyed doing things I liked anymore. Broke up with my girlfriend thinking I could "find myself" that way. Started wondering why I was hanging out with my particular group of friends, I would think is there a better group of friends out there for me. So eventually I couldn't get out of my own head. Everything was negative to me. I started doing things just in motion, like I wasn't even there. I would still go to work, school, parties etc. I guess I seemed fine on the outside but on the inside I was completely dead, lost in a sea of negative thoughts, emotions and feelings about life. Then went out one night and started drinking a lot of red bull and alcohol, next morning I woke up and had a really bad panic attack again which brought me right back to the hospital. But this time I was so convinced I had a heart problem that I kept a heart monitor on for a month. Surprise, nothing was wrong. But then the symptoms just started moving all over the place, lightheadness, dizziness, numbness and tingly feeling in the face and extremities, muscle tension, muscle spasms. I've even had a weird virbrating feeling like my whole body is shaking at times. I've had brainzaps where it feels like electricity is just going through my brain. I've convinced myself over the past couple of months that I have MS, brain tumors, epilepsy, you name it. Some days are better than others but right now I feel like i'm just a mess. Somedays ill have full blown panic attacks where I feel like I need to get away or something bad is going to happen. And other days its just a little weakness in my arm or something. The derealization/depersonlization keeps getting stronger though. I constantly feel like none of this can be real. I feel like my perception of reality is so different now. I fear that I am going to go crazy but I know I won't becuase I recognize what is going on. Somedays I wake up and feel so uncoordinated and off balance, almost as if the floor is moving, I think I most definitely have a serious illness. But in my calm states Im much more rational.
Sorry for the long intro. I just feel really alone and I really cant take it anymore. Its severely killing my quality of life to the point where I cant enjoy anything anymore. Just wanted to see if anyone else feels this way all the time!!
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