I don't think I can control it for much longer

[Im-Suffering]

This is a spiritual matter, period. We have an old friend here. If we have caught you in time then read on:

This is a post where the OP is considering suicide. For the OP your life is not finite, and you will have to face the problems triggering these emotions sooner or later. You live many lives.

Suicides, as a class, for example, do not have any
particular "punishment" meted out to them, (afterlife) nor is their condition any
worse a priori. They are treated as individuals. Any problems that
were not faced in this life will, however, be faced in another one.
This applies not only to suicides, however. So you will have to repeat, no exceptions, it is cosmic law.

A suicide may bring about his own death because he rejects existence
on any but highly specific terms chosen by himself. Now that may not seem to be you, but you did set the conditions for certain challenges to be worked out, and cutting that short before resolution is not in your best interests. Do you want to play the game again? Or work it out now. Life must be lived on the terms chosen for progression, accepting what happens as in the past, working out a resolution, and continuing on, changing the beliefs to better the self, always onward and upward. This is the the highest regards for the soul being tested under these conditions. Not to die, but to live, you see, to work it out, this soul must learn to feel good even in the face of opposition, to be secure in the self, to stand tall as the great spirit he is.

The bullying, the shame, the harassment, the guilt, the repression makes for a difficult life thus far, however you needed to be up for the challenge. No challenge is placed on the self that cannot be overcome, but, you are a strong identity, soul wise. The learning from this is the opposite of everything mentioned. Self confidence, worth, pride, accomplishment, joy, love, companionship, courage and so forth.

Those attributes were to be learned, by enduring the opposite. This is a reincarnate for you, it is not the first time you are trying to overcome. As a matter of fact, your family, the bullies, all of you came in together to reenact the drama. And frankly I'm talking about reincarnation en mass, as a group of friends come back to support and help each other grow. Understand this as you think back. What kind of job did the bullies do, did they fulfill their purpose presenting you with appropriate feelings and ideas about yourself, which was the challenge to which you could then overcome, enriching the soul.

Now it matters not if you you don't believe any of this, will not change the truth one iota. Let some of it sink in and you'll see life from a much broader perspective than the tiny focus you have now.

Reading needed, important this soul learns his lessons this life. This soul has the courage inherent to handle it. He just needs a realization, as we have just given. A little push in the right direction.

Unedited, I will be around for questions OP or in PM if you wish.