Welcome, not silly at all. Keep posting and keep In mind there is a heavy overtone of you feeling powerless in this above story. The rituals are a way to feel "in control". All of them. The underlying ROOT is you simply do not feel "good enough" as you are. When in fact you are of course. As you take back the power you have given away to others out of the deep fear of ""needing" to be liked and accepted by all is the sign I see as "the not good enough" sense you have deeply held as a belief that is true, when in fact it is untrue. All control and balance comes from giving up the idea you must have control. We are powerless over others, we are powerless over ourselves in some cases. As you surrender and accept who you are and as you are right this minute, you will begin the journey of seeing you indeed become stronger as you admit this to yourself and others, our weakness's strengths etc. are not us they are what we do, not who we are. If you did not at some level see this you would not feel unhappy right now. So you know this already it seems, and so be that. The real you, full of power, and strength, surrendered to life as it is, without trying to change it or yourself, then things will come back into balance. Exaggerated feelings, emotions, and anxieties are fueling your thoughts now, step into a space where you can relax and enjoy yourself as you are, fully accept this is where you are now, not where you will stay.

Peace