In a bit of a hole here. GAD+ panic disorder + hypochondria + depression?

[kjbell]

Here's the back story on my anxiety- TL;DR version at bottom.

I've had panic attacks since I was little. They would be triggered sometimes by totally irrational thoughts like I was going to randomly stop breathing or die. I would get a real sense of dread and worry, but I would always talk myself out of the attacks and I would be back to a normal state of mind usually within minutes. So while the panic attacks have existed for me for a long time, they'd never quite been a constant problem, only periodic and brief.

Throughout middle school and most of high school, I gained some power over these irrational fears and rarely had panic attacks. If I did have any attacks during these years, they were so mild or I handled them so rationally that I didn't even consider them panic attacks.

I started smoking weed occasionally when I was in my junior year of high school. Starting out, it was a pleasant experience and I always enjoyed it. It would take an edge off and help me socialize and relax. I probably smoked 5-10 times before I had a bad experience. One Sunday after returning from a vacation, I smoked with a friend. He told me it was something called "master kush", which I'd never had before. (Please forgive my stupidity here) We smoked out of, if I recall correctly, a makeshift metal pipe with tinfoil. Well, I had a major panic attack about 10 minutes after taking two or three big hits. It started by thinking about my heartrate. For some reason I noticed my heart beating faster than normal and started to panic. All went downhill from there - my heart was pounding and I was convinced I would have to go to the hospital or I would die. I got out of the car we were in and went and sat down outside to get some fresh air, and try to calm myself down. It took about 30 minutes to get to a decently calm state, and once I did, I drank some water and laid down on my friends bed to let the anxiety pass. This panic attack was the first major attack I'd had since I was young, and was far, far worse. I didn't make any connection at this time, and thought it was an isolated event caused by my smoking. But I had residual anxiety from this attack for days, couldn't stop thinking about it and what may have caused it, and worrying about if it was going to happen again. Eventually I returned to a normal state of mind though.

The rest of high school and into the first half of my first semester of college, I was doing alright. However, I did have occasional panic attacks that usually resulted from my mind wandering and worrying about my health - usually I would start worrying because of my heart rate, or thinking I might pass out (I had an attack after witnessing someone pass out at my HS graduation, and worrying the same might happen to me). Again though, after a little while I would be able to return to a normal state of thinking and not be constantly plagued by anxiety. At this point, I'd only read about panic and anxiety disorder in my Psych books and never gave it a second thought.

The middle of my first semester of college is when everything took a big change. My roommate who had mutual friends that I would hang out, drink and go out with suddenly packed his things one day and left for home. My cat, who we'd had for about 10 years and who I loved dearly, died. My grandpa, usually in good health, started experiencing heart problems and had to be hospitalized (he's fine now, but it was stressful). My grades started to slip. I got annoyed with one of my classes that was online, and stopped doing the work. It was an NC course so it didn't hurt my GPA but didn't help it either. I got the flu and missed a week of class. This is about when the anxiety started to set in. It started with mostly physical triggers. I tried smoking pot a couple more times to see how I would handle it, and both times I had mild panic attacks because of my heartrate. Now I would get the same anxiety even without smoking, any almost any physical sensation could trigger it. Eventually this developed into the worst kind of anxiety, IMO - triggered by pure thoughts. My mind would start racing - panic attack. Certain thoughts entering my mind - "what if I'm in a dream", "what if none of this is real" - would trigger panic attacks. Eventually, this got so commonplace that I learned to live with it. I started doing a bit of self-CBT; learning to think about rational responses to these triggers. That only helped so much, though, and didn't keep them from happening again.

Fall-->Winter 2013

I came back home from college on fall break and told my dad I was having trouble focusing on my work. He suggested I get tested for ADD - I planned on doing so, but never did. I came back home again, only a couple weeks later, for Thanksgiving break, and spilled that I was having anxiety issues, and that I thought I might be developing GAD & panic disorder with a touch of hypochondria. I also admitted that I was very fatigued as well as intentionally lazy. He suggested that I talk to a counselor to get further guidance and I agreed, and did so over the break. She gave me some guidance on how to work through anxiety attacks. I talked to a doctor about my fatigue, and she did bloodwork. Finding my vitamin D was very low and B was slightly low, I got a prescription for a vitamin D supplement that I'm still currently taking. After all was said and done, I finished out the semester with a 1.3 GPA and came back home for winter break still dealing with the anxiety. Over Christmas break, about 3-4 weeks, the anxiety could be described as mostly just intrusive thoughts that usually didn't lead to panic attacks. I did have about two or three panic attacks over this break, however. The doctor said if I wanted to try an antidepressant, I could. I said I would hold off for now.

January - Winter 2014 - current situation

I started out the semester doing very well in my classes. I was still having intrusive thoughts, but they were manageable for the most part. Overall though, I was still feeling kinda down and still worrying that the anxiety would never go away. I decided to go ahead and try an antidepressant to see if it helped. The doctor prescribed me Paxil 20mg once daily. The first day was fine, I felt slightly nauseous but took Dramamine and it went away. So the next day I took the Paxil and Dramamine at the same time. About thirty minutes afterwards I got suddenly dizzy, hard to focus visually, and very nauseous. After another fifteen minutes I threw up violently twice, had elevated heart rate and couldn't calm myself down. I went to the ER and the doctor started me on a saline drip to rehydrate me and Zophran to keep me from puking again (I puked a third time while in the hospital). My blood pressure spiked from what it usually is. He ran an EKG and bloodwork and it all came back normal except for an elevated white count, which was back to normal 2 days later at the doctors office. The ER doc told me not to take the Paxil anymore, so I didn't, and went back to see the doctor. She wanted to start me on Lorazepam but I declined, because I was going back to college that day and didn't want to go through another ER ordeal.

Ever since the ER visit, which was the 25th (Saturday), I've been having pretty much constant panic attacks. I woke up on Sunday and immediately had a panic attack. They come with adrenaline rushes, cold flushes, elevated heart rate and racing mind, seemingly out of nowhere. The only way I can get them to stop is by focusing on something else as hard as I can, and that only slows them down/masks them. The Paxil should be out of my system by now. I'm worried that it's permanently messed me up and that my train of thought will never be the same again. I haven't had an appetite at all since Saturday, and I still get cold rushes and aches in my neck and head. I'm barely hanging by a thread here because I feel like all avenues have been exhausted - I want to feel relief, but at the same time I don't want to be a robot/different person or get deathly sick because of medication.

ALSO: I've been taking L-Theanine supplements to see if something more natural will help. It hasn't quelled my anxiety or panic at all yet.

TL;DR: Constant GAD & panic attacks since fall 2013. Tried Paxil - made me very sick. Still recovering from Paxil, having almost constant panic attacks to this day.

I'm hoping someone can offer good advice here or at least relate to my situation - thanks for taking the time to read.

[Perses]

I would not be too worried about the paxil permanently altering your brain. You have just experienced a traumatic event, so it stands to reason that you are feeling so terrible. It's especially crappy when you look for help and have a bad experience. I've been on clonazepam and Zoloft for going on 19 years and have never had a problem taking medication. Each person is different. It might be a good idea, perhaps, to take a semester off. You mentioned that you went to a counselor, are you continuing to do that? I'd certainly recommend that you continue to see someone with whom you can discuss what's happening to you.