What causes my anxiety attacks?

[Tricoleur]

Hello. I am a 25-year-old guy who is currently going through the worst phase of my life. Because of a poisonous, yet fantastic relationship, I have developed anxiety. I ended up losing her which has put me in deep grief and to some extend trauma. At the same time I got heavy stress due to my new university studies. All these things accumulated have given me a moderate to strong depression. Since she left me I have been in a living hell with barely any sleep, anxiety attacks, no hunger, no sense of being in my own body, crying, constant bombardement of memories, paralysation when socializing, constant nausea, breating problems, dizziness…I can’t name all the things happening. I tried antidepressives, citolapram, but first time taking them I woke up with the worst feeling ever, ending up fainting banging my head into the bathroom floor. I’m done with those.

I’m not writing to figure out my options from now on. Though it would be nice to have some input. But generally I’m aware of giving it time, sensing my situation and accepting it whilst talking to friends and family, using professional help, eating well, exercising, socializing etc. I am writing to get help figuring out what the cause of my anxiety attacks is. Clearly it requires a long description of my mind and my story, but it seems overwhelming to go through… where to start.

But.. I am somewhat convinced that my anxiety came from me being of afraid of her leaving me. For over 8 months it was a concrete risk in the relationship. I was quite aware that it was a great fear of mine, and I broke down every time it we talked about it, which we did often. She said it was probably too hard - I came up with solutions. I thought I could cope with it, but my body has told me otherwise, ending up in this situation and in an ambulance. But now that she’s left I’m confused why the attacks are still there. What am I afraid of? I am deeply sad to lose her…that’s what all these symptoms spring from. But this has already happened. Is anxiety retrospective? Does it necessarily have a clear object, a reason, a causality? I am afraid of being alone, but not to the degree where it seems that is the cause. I am unhappy to not be with her, but my fear is not “…ending up alone forever” like some people might feel in a heartbreak. I am overwhelmed by sadness, so why this anxiety of walking around in a bubble and being unable to breathe…?

I know this is just grasping the surface, and that it will probably be hard to give any qualified answers with this amount of information. But I am grateful for any help, as my lifeworld is currently a black empty room with me naked in the middle with nothing but a road straight to death.

Thank you

[jerilyn]

Just remember you are not alone, friend. When it feels like its unbearable, see that you ARE bearing it. You WILL get better. As to why? I don't know, & maybe you will never know why anxiety lingers. Having a professional to talk to if you don't already, may be a great help. It has been for me. Even when they don't understand, there are pieces of truth you see about yourself. You have the power over yourself. It is not any true fact but the constant analysis of the unknown that is dragging you down. Let go and know that you are WORTHY. Accomplish one tiny thing. & then another.