I am new to this forum and I hope that these messages of people venting their frustrations don't wear on people, I just had a breakdown today and needed to type it where I feel like maybe someone would see it. I sometimes reach out to my parents about this but I think it overwhelms them.

I have a mix of anxiety, depression, and hypochondria. They all seem to feed into one another but my hypochondria spikes dramatically whenever I am stressed out, unfortunately meaning months of bouts of paranoia over my health. I currently have convinced myself I have meningitis after reading accidentally seeing a headline about an outbreak. I have a weird rash that seems similar to some meningitis rash photos but not one other symptom - but the more I think about it I wonder, DO I have a headache? It doesn't help that I am out of town for a business conference so I can't go to my doctor if I really needed to and I am claustrophobic thinking about how I can't get home for another 2 days. It made me break down because I am typing this when I should be enjoying a fun new city.

I dislike my job despite my genuine efforts to love it. Long story short - my boss expects us to create an empire for him as he comes in to work maybe 20 hours a week and we are in the office for 60 a week. I get paid barely over minimum wage when I am doing jobs that normally bring in 45k starting for him, no benefits, no paid time off, nothing. Obviously, I should quit and get a new job but I have such paralyzing anxiety that I sometimes have to slip out of the office to calm down and it only works because he is barely there. Any other job probably would have fired me by now because I freak out silently and have to escape. I want badly to live in another city where my career would be best suited and would love the city, but can't live away from my parents because I am only calm around my family. Even that is getting bad because my parents are tired of hearing about my 'imaginary' problems and recently I've never been more hurt when my mom said she wishes i could 'get over' my problems because 'I'll always love you but it's getting harder'. Like a bullet to the stomach.

I just need help. I've seen people before for therapy and it helps for a while but then I seem to figure out how I'm tricking myself into happiness and start to sabotage myself sub-consciously. I haven't tried anything but Xanax for while panic attacks were happening. This sounds weird, but I can handle being unhappy for a few years or having a mental setback for a while. What I can't handle is wondering if it will EVER end or if this is the eternity my mind is in. I try to look for some positives (I feel more creative, and compassionate for others the worse it gets) but I would rather just be positive overall.

Any advice? I love reading, and find myself being able to apply what I read but don't know if any books sound similar to my situation.