Hello all. This is my first post on this forum, but i'm hoping you can provide your perspectives and similar experiences with what i'm going through.
Everything started when I was 21 years old (i'm now 25). Until that point, I had always been care-free and a person who enjoyed just about everything in life. I was never afraid of anything and spent no time worrying. I was nearing the end of my college career and was going through a very stressful event in my life. That stress triggered my 1st panic attack. I was in the car, and out of nowhere I began to have all of the classic panic symptoms (racing heart, dizzy, short of breath, etc). I pulled over immediately and honestly thought I was about to die and called 911. I was taken to the ER, and like most everyone else who has had a similar experience, was given a battery of tests only to find out i'm completely healthy. The doctor says "you worry too much and need to relax, you've had a panic attack. You're fine."
Since that day 4 years ago, I've never been the same. I came home scared and didn't understand what happened. I was given ativan and told to relax for a few days. That panic attack turned me into a person that began to constantly monitor my body for any slight feeling of anything other than normal. Did I have a disease? Heart problems? Cancer? Why do I feel this way and why did this happen? How can I be so healthy but feel so bad? - These are the thoughts that have occupied my mind for the last 4 years.
I was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder by a psychiatrist. Fast-forward to now, I've since married a beatiful woman and the love of my life. I have a great job and we have a great home. I am completely satisfied with every aspect of my life, but I haven't been able to rid my anxiety. In the past 4 years, I have made over 50 doctor visits and 10 trips to the ER becuase there have been times I swore I was having a stroke, heart attack, or dying from a blood clot, all becuase of the odd symptoms i've felt. Not once has a doctor found anything wrong. The symptoms I live with have included strange neurological symptoms, weakness, tingling, eye-sight problems, muscle tightness/twitching. Every time I experience one of these symptoms I drive myself into a sheer panic in belief that I am fixing to take my last breath and die. Unfortunately, this is a daily occurance for me. Simply put, i've never felt "quite right" ever since my initial panic attack. Maybe this is simply becuase of the anixety it produced (deep down I know that, I just haven't accepted it). Every day seems to bring another new body symptom that is really weird that doctors can never explain.
It's exhausting. It's scary. It's annoying. It's everything I never wanted to be.
Like many of you, i've gone through the periods of depression and spent countless hours researching the internet for that one article that will explain my condition and tell me how to fix it. I've wasted countless hours wondering if I was about to die and sitting and monitoring my symptoms. This is no way to live and no one should have to live this way. For some reason, since my first panic attack, I was never able to shake my fear of dying and get on with my life. It makes me feel bad, becuase my wife has watched me do this ever since she has known me.
The best way I can describe all of this is that it feels like i'm living life on the other side of a window, from which I watch life take place. I see the happiness and good things all around me, but i'm not able to fully share in those experiences. My anxiety has held me back.
One thing I still have is hope, and will hold on to the fact that one day this will subside.
Please share your similar experiences/comments. Thank you for reading.
God Bless You All.
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