Sex and anxiety...

[Amygdalai]

Hi all, sorry if a first post is here rather than the intro area. I kinda have a specific issue I want to ask about. Also, it regards sex, so if you don't want to read, that's cool. Mostly pg 13 stuff.

I have mild social anxiety that probably also coexists with simply being an introvert. Meaning, I'm fine in small groups or even parties with new people, but if I'm in a group setting - say a big grad school section of people who all socialize - I am anxious and unhappy.

But my real question is about sex. I have always been finicky and particular about women I'm attracted to (I'm a straight guy). But I do feel some attraction.

The problem is when it comes time to have sex, I have literal, textbook panic attacks. Total and complete terror. This led to getting drunk before sex, which led to performance issues, which compounded the terror. I've basically avoided sex and relationships as a result (I also have anxiety about actual relationships too. About every aspect of them, actually).

My anxiety brain came up with a story that I'm actually asexual, and that my body is rejecting what doesn't feel right.

But I am attracted to women I see all the time... That said, sex feels so unbelievably "wrong" because of the anxiety.

I'm pretty old (40) to be figuring this out, but I need to. I know I should talk to a shrink, but I also wondered if anyone here had any insights.

Very sorry if this is a tmi kinda post.

[str8trippin]

I have a lot of anxiety surrounding relationships and intimacy because of past experiences, and have pretty much avoided situations involving either because of it...but it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to people, or that I ultimately don't want the intimacy. I do...it's just something I struggle with and that definitely triggers anxiety for me so it's easier not to do it. So, from what you've said, I don't get the impression that you are asexual. If it's causing that severe of anxiety for you, it's bound to make it feel wrong! Is there anything intimacy/relationship wise that does feel safe to you and doesn't trigger anxiety? What about intimacy or relationships makes you nervous?

[Amygdalai]

I have a lot of anxiety surrounding relationships and intimacy because of past experiences, and have pretty much avoided situations involving either because of it...but it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to people, or that I ultimately don't want the intimacy. I do...it's just something I struggle with and that definitely triggers anxiety for me so it's easier not to do it. So, from what you've said, I don't get the impression that you are asexual. If it's causing that severe of anxiety for you, it's bound to make it feel wrong! Is there anything intimacy/relationship wise that does feel safe to you and doesn't trigger anxiety? What about intimacy or relationships makes you nervous?

Once it becomes a romantic possibility, my anxiety goes into overdrive. I'm pretty attractive and tall, so I'm not insecure per se... But I check to see if I'm into her almost obsessively. I never know what to do in terms of activities after the first few dates. I just don't feel right or like myself.

Every instinct is telling me to 'avoid', go home, find quiet.

Bc that quiet feels better than the positives of a relationship, I don't know if i should stop trying and just accept being single.

I just don't know.

[str8trippin]

Maybe a relationship just isn't something you need right now and your body and mind are trying to tell you that you need to focus on other things. I definitely think things that are meant to happen will, so maybe you don't need to force it...just focus on what is beneficial to you in the now.

[starlightbliss]

I think it's normal to have anxiety about sex if you are introverted / have social anxiety, so it's probably not something to stress out or think you have a different kind of problem about...

I would say trying to focus externally, and just find a person that you really like, and don't feel stressed or judged by, would be the best solution... you are probably feeling anxiety about it because you fear the other person's judgment?

[Amygdalai]

I think it's normal to have anxiety about sex if you are introverted / have social anxiety, so it's probably not something to stress out or think you have a different kind of problem about...

I would say trying to focus externally, and just find a person that you really like, and don't feel stressed or judged by, would be the best solution... you are probably feeling anxiety about it because you fear the other person's judgment?

A lot of it is that. I'm worried they'll find out I'm not cool, or that I'm too sexually vanilla, or boring or tame. I wonder if they're bored every single moment were talking.

But I also wonder if they're going ME every moment, if I'm really into them, if I want to have sex with them right then...

It's like nonstop checking and questioning. I realize this has an obsessional quality too, but it's also shot through with anxiety.

But I also ask over and over if I really really want a relationship or need sex, anyway. After all, I'm usually content in my apartment by myself puttering around. But then, what kind of life is that, really?

[Kevcules]

Hi there.......Sex and anxiety...hmmmm? I started a thread about that when I first came here some months ago. It's very common and a real pain in the ass!! I'm 45 now and was suffering from severe depression and anxiety for the last number of years but real bad 6-8 months. Sex drive is near non existent. I'm married with 2 children and was always a real "horn dog" and enjoyed sex but now when I'm anxious I'm can't even get an erection sometimes?? Alone and calm is a different story now that I've taken depression meds. Before that ,I was "numb" there, for a long time!
The mind is very powerful and it's our mind that is causing these foolish feelings and effects!! Even though I can say that ,I too can't shake the anxious feeling when it's performance time! My advice, is too confide in your partner and if they are "real" people , they will understand and you will start to feel comfortable with them and then it will naturally happen. I've weaned off my depression meds lately but still need the anxiety stuff. I'm not sure which of the two was killing my sex drive but hopefully it was the depression meds! We'll see.... Just know you're not alone , there are many, many of us with the same problems. Seeing a shrink is a good idea....I did and it helped! Good luck to you!

[solta]

A lot of it is that. I'm worried they'll find out I'm not cool, or that I'm too sexually vanilla, or boring or tame. I wonder if they're bored every single moment were talking.

But I also wonder if they're going ME every moment, if I'm really into them, if I want to have sex with them right then...

It's like nonstop checking and questioning. I realize this has an obsessional quality too, but it's also shot through with anxiety.

But I also ask over and over if I really really want a relationship or need sex, anyway. After all, I'm usually content in my apartment by myself puttering around. But then, what kind of life is that, really?

I've had the same problems and they led to performance issues, too, but just taking things slow and talking to the girl helped and I'm not as anxious as I was before. I do have the same kinds of thoughts about being boring or bad in bed put I've still put myself out there. I used to be the kind of guy who needed to make the girl laugh all the time or else I'd get really anxious. I know I'm not bad in bed and I consider myself to be a really funny guy but the thoughts can be overwhelming, though. Going out on dates has gotten easier after I started to "care less" meaning that not everything is up to me. If the date was boring then things just didn't click. It doesn't automatically mean that you were boring. For me the biggest step was going out there and try even though it made me anxious.

If you are happy being alone then that kind of life is just okay. After all, isn't that what we all are trying to acheive in life?

[DodgingRain]

I guess don't go right into sex so fast. There isn't any reason why you have to do that early in a relationship, start with the easier stuff like holding hands, kissing, etc. and get to sex later.

There probably is some underlying issue that is triggering the anxiety. You need to figure out what that is otherwise its just going to continue.

[starlightbliss]

I had a similar problem with sex because of social anxiety.

If you are unsure if you really have social anxiety or not I would read this article here, I found it helpful socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety