Hi, I'm a 15 year old boy suffering from anxiety, ADD and depression. I have a loving family which really cares for me and want me to be happy. What they don't know is how I feel though :/

My problems all started after a night of too much marijuana. I didn't have much experience with weed (neither did my friends) and I had never been high before so I didn't know what to expect, so I took 7 huge bong rips and what was supposed to be a chill day turned to a day in living hell. I had a terrible panic attack and not knowing what it was, i paniced even more and thought my heart was going to stop... The worst thing however was the physical feelings inside my head. I won't go into too much detail about this so yeah...The next day i was feeling pretty good but decided never to use weed again. A couple of Days later I was sitting in class and suddenly i got this intense fear ending up in a 2nd panic attack. By theb i knew what it was but i decided to skip the rest of the schoolday anyway and Went home to sleep. When i woke up the next morning, something seemed very very off. Nothing had depth to it, i didn't feel any emotions, i couldn't recall emotional feelings and my focus simply didn't exist. this made me question Everything and i became very paranoid.

Because I was unable to feel happy emotions, I became addicted to alcohol because of it making me feel better and it helped me forget past events in my Life (repeated last year in high school)
I ended up getting terribly drunk in the middle of Town (i can't really remember what happened, alcohol amnesia) and getting caught by the police and then i was picked up by my mom. We had a few discussions after that but I was thinking about committing suicide because I felt that my Life was a failure.

Luckily, after that I found my old ADD medicine (Methylphenidate IR, trademarked as Ritalin) and because I was so sad and had panic attacks from now and then I started taking them again(20mg a day) but after a while they stopped helping so i started upping the dose to feel energized and getting the motivation to do stuff.

For the past week or so now, I've been taking at least 80mg ritalin a day but here's what i feel like i'm 2 different people atm

On ritalin: able to Think positive about my depersonalization, derealization and other experiences
Off ritalin: suicidal, the derealization is killing me, i lay and cry in bed every night. Nothing is enjoyable and i just want to put myself out of my misery...

my problem atm though is that i Think i'm putting alot of strain on my heart by taking all the ritalin, i'm also probably failing this schoolyear too and i will have to go to boarding school. I've also noticed extreme fatigue and i am constantly hungry. The derealization is tolerable but i feel like a failure and i have heart palpitations all the time and sometimes my bpm is over 150 because of the ritalin. I don't want to live like this, i want to feel happy but i'm also afraid of running out of ritalin cause then i might commit suicide in despair. basicly my whole Life is a mess right now and i really need help cause right now i feel terrible. I haven't told anyone in my family btw cause i don't want them to feel guilty for me being a failure even though they are really nice and care about me. what do i do please help me