Quote Originally Posted by stellaclark25 View Post
I feel so guilty for not [taking] the initiative to change earlier. It almost gets to the point that I become ashamed of mistakes I have made, and beat myself down and think “if it’s so easy on some days, why couldn’t I do it back then...” I still struggle to get past it, and it’s still a roller coaster. The guilt of...things I have said in the past is real, and I try to make myself put it at the back of my mind and deal with it.
Brother, you are speaking my language! I just hashed out some dark stuff with the exact same mentality. Except, instead of putting it in the back of my mind, I had to confess it out loud, even recently telling my mom some of it. This was the type of stuff only she could understand, being that she knows my past. I wasn't sure what the outcome would be, but I knew, regardless of the consequences, it was something that she needed to know in order for me to deeply heal and put an end to the roller coaster. God's grace was all over it.

You are becoming more self aware, when in the past, you may have felt numb and possibly lived in denial. I know where you're at, because I was at that point, a year or so ago, where I sincerely regretted and felt remorse for awful things I said and did from over 15 years ago. I felt so ashamed. That shame came from understanding the reality of what I had done, the pain that I caused and the relationships I destroyed. At one point, I felt like God was drawing the filth out of my heart but I refused to let it go. I had lived under self-condemnation for years but it was only getting worse. I thought, with what I had done, I deserved hell. You know what I had to do? Forgive myself. It was the hardest thing for me to do, because I knew, in my heart, that I didn't deserve it. But God kept calling out to me, until finally, I stopped running. It's hard to let the past go. But you don't have to suffer anymore. You were forgiven, because someone already took that regret, pain, guilt, shame and self-condemnation upon Himself. That's how loved you are! Now it's time to forgive yourself. It sounds like your heart is being changed. That, right there, is the journey you need to embrace.