Hi All

I hope some of you can relate to what I am about to say and offer some advice?

In a nutshell, I'm 29 yr old female, recently broken up with my bf of 4 years (which was v emotionally draining) and have moved back in with my parents due to the obscene British housing market. Am cut off from all my friends and have just left a really bad job (which was attributing to my anxiety/depression - no longevity/boss was a bully and the set up was horrendous - it was the right decision). I now feel empty, numb and lost in life having poured my heart and soul into the relationship (not only for love but due to his dad passing away and he became ill coping with the grief). I guess its grieving and heart break.

For the past 8 months I have been trying to change everything for the better knowing I was not happy in my relationship despite the hard times, work, location and lack of social life. I took a bold and brave move to change things to find some true happiness within myself as I was so unhappy, which was I think the right thing to do.

In the midst of this transition I applied to become a teacher and got offered a place for a PGCE at Cambridge. Whilst this would open many doors for me and get my self esteem back up, I am really not sure if its what I want to do (and if I can survive on the starting salary at my age on my own). I applied as my current role was dead end and I felt like I wanted a "proper" job and have always regretted I didn't train as something. Essentially I've got a lot to give but not sure if I can cope with the demands given how I'm feeling right now and even if I want to be a teacher. I just don't feel good enough. My self esteem has taken a huge knock from the breakdown of the relationship and it got ground down by my former boss.

The other stupid thing to consider is even looking at kids these days and all the potential/routes they can take for a prosperous future, I feel I've messed my life up and and jealous of them - how pathetic is that!

I have driven myself crazy for about 6 months trying to work out if I take it (and stay in Cambridge) or move to London and pursue a role in a tech company. I always wanted to move to London or a city and didn't back when all my friends did after graduating due to various reasons, but now I feel like its my chance and to be with my friends and build further relationships.

I'm also concerned about my financial security, future, family, relationship, life....feeling hopeless and like I have no purpose and that I'm becoming a burden on everyone. I'm eating well, meditating and trying to exercise when I can, but the anxiety is so paralysing I can't even book a holiday (which I desperately need a break from all the stress)> The loneliness is crippling too. I used to be so social and happy go lucky and now feel like a shell I just can't fill up. I'm trying to be social, get out and meet people but I just feel such a failure inside that I'm not attracting the right company and seem pathetic. Struggling also with everyone I know in relationships, getting married, buying houses, starting families etc - I have naturally always gone against the grain and know things happen at the right time for you personally, but I'm starting to feel like these things will never be in my lifetime.

I feel like I've got a barrier in the way. A mental block. I just can't seem to do things but deep down feel intense frustration - it's like I'm fighting with myself, screaming to get out of my body but I'm trapped. I'm highly detached from reality too and feel like I'm in a dream the whole time. Does that strike a chord with anyone?

Thanks and apologies for the lengthy message.
x