I hope I don't bore you to death with my detail here. d:

Hi I'm Michele and I'm in highschool. I've always been "the overachiever" among everyone who knows me and I do a lot of personal thinking and prefer to stick with a few friends rather then a lot. I've had a great boyfriend for two years now (we are really just loving best friends who have intimate interaction and hold hands) and he is very supportive and kind to me. I used to live with my dad, who was controlling and threatened to do extreme things (i.e. shave my head of hair which I love so dearly) if I didn't live up to his expectations, make good grades, and STAY AWAY FROM BOYS. Now I live with my mom, who really likes my boyfriend and works to facilitate our relationship. My mom is also very kind, loving, and easygoing but sometimes I feel like she doesn't listen to me when I talk. We fight sometimes, really just over "teenager stuff."

My whole life, I've been very self aware and contemplative about my feelings and actions. I realize that I have irrational jealously and sudden bouts of rage (not anger, rage) for no apparent reason. I VERY frequently lash out at whoever will listen (usually my boyfriend) if something small is bothering me, but I always end up in tears shortly after because I know what I did was wrong and feel bad for attacking the person. I have wild mood swings and unintentionally pick fights a lot with people I love. I also have odd anxiety in social settings where I feel very uncomfortable with meeting new people, especially when I don't know anyone in the room.

Lately, after a very close uncle of mine died in a horrific car accident in August (leaving his wife and two-year-old son), I've been feeling... sad. And hopeless. And futile. Like my life, and everyone's lives, really don't matter because we'll all die anyway.

I have very specific recurring nightmares about witnessing plane crashes near my house; home invasions; mass shootings; and watching my family being tortured and slaughtered as I watch, powerless, then I too am killed. I wake up crying, shaking, and sweating at least 4-5 days a week. The "impending doom" feeling lurks at the back of my mind every day at school and in public places; I have to go to the nurse's office or my gifted counselor at least 3 times a week to help cope with it.

All these negative outbursts and thoughts have decreased my motivation and productivity school-wise and domestically. My grades have fallen by about 7-10 points per class (whole letter grades!) whereas I've always done my absolute best to stay a straight-A student. I don't feel like I should care, because I'll only get let down and discouraged over and over again. I've almost stopped cleaning my room altogether whereas I've ALWAYS been a "brink-of-OCD clean freak" about the tidiness of where I live, sleep, and eat.

I also have acne, extreme PMS (mood swings, bloating, cramps, and headaches so bad I stay home from school some days), and I'm always ravenously hungry. I guess I eat decently and I climb stairs at home and at school everyday though because I'm 5'1" and weigh about 110lbs. Although I have gained weight, which also makes me demotivated.

What is all this horrible crap I'm feeling?? None of my tried-and-true coping strategies work anymore and this has been the case for about 4 months... What do you all suggest?