Do I have anxiety disorder or something worse?

[alex617]

I went today to a therapist to hopefully get diagnosed, however the lack of empathy and judgment nearly made me have a panic attack so I ran away. Maybe online I can get some peace of mind.

I'll start with a *trigger warning* incase someone reading this might identify too strongly with what I'm writing, it's difficult to express but I know I need to get it out there to someone.



The bulk of my issues came from smoking marijuana in the past and a full-blown panic attack several weeks ago.
Here are some of the symptoms I've been experiencing:



1. I can't be sure about anything, even my previous sentence. As during my marijuana induced 'bad trip' made me question the validity of thoughts and logic itself, very scary stuff since it can make me suspect about all my beliefs, memories and understanding about the world even though I instinctively feel this is probably delusional.



2. Existential rumination, feelings of extreme depression because I'll get in to a thought loop about how everything is meaningless, including my own thoughts and feelings and hence there is no possible escape from this.



3. This leads to me being confused about my own feelings, i.e what is happiness and sadness? Are these arbitray? What is anything really?



4. All this combined just leads to a mind state of 'what...the...fuck'. It causes anxiety which seems very real, and sometimes it goes away for a while and I feel like a 'semi-normal', although I can't even rememeber what 'normal' is.



5. Visually not much has changed, colors seem brighter and seem to agitate me a bit. I do however feel a bit 'detached' from my environment, and 'woozy' when I walk around.



6. Sleep problems, big time. I know that lack of sleep can fuel these weird thoughts and feelings, but I just can't get a good night's rest. I have to wait until early morning and it takes about 1-2 hours to go to sleep. I keep waking up disoriented and feeling like I don't know where I am or who I am. This goes away after the anxiety snaps me back to reality.



Due to all this I definitely feel that I'm losing it or have lost it. How can one function with such a jumbled mind state? How do I recover from crippling anxiety/depression when thinking about these things makes me feel like I broke my psyche?