Long story short when i was 16 i smoked weed... and the effect i had stuck with me almost like being high NON stop... so i continued to smoke to give myself a reason to feel unreal like life is fake and i aint in my body 100% and it was scary as hell... then i got help and was put on Citalopram... Was supposed to take it everyday in the morning. i did and was doing fine... i am now 23.. lately the past year and a half i been drinking beer and smoking weed more often... this past year my schedual is this.... Wake up 11pm... smoke weed then SOMETIMESS take my pill depending on how i am feeling( not suppossed to do that) Then around 7pm i drink a 12 of beer... eat Dinner... sometimes puke then pass out until the next day and that repeats... Also i must add.. During the days i don't eat.. i had in my mind it would ruin my alcohol effect... So yesterday i wake up... smoke and was sitting on my computer... all of a sudden i get a massive migraine.. that gives me Aura Migraine.. and makes me think i am slipping farther out of reality ( forgot to mention a year or 2 ago.. i got so scared for 2 days i couldn't understand or comprehend anyone or anything.. it was only sounds and fear i felt..) So yesterday after that migraine started to happen i got scared thinking that i was about to have that episode i hadn't had in a long time!! making my heart rate go nuts. and i started to panic.. and now i feel more.. loss of control.. or like.. im not me 100% i iknow im me.. but i haven't feel this Anxeity fear in a long time w.e it is.. ill be fine.. a few seconds later ill start to think what if this never goes back...( let me say... Since i was 16 and haven't felt 100% REAL i learned to kinda cope with it.. and i was okay on a specific level of unrealism ) But since this its like a level above that.. its almost like the more i feel scared.. the more my chest fills with something.. and it drags my vision away from +seeing things as real.. Like as i sit at my computer here.. i am content focusing on this writing... once i post this i know i will start to think about things and start to feel REALLY REALLY scared. MY lifestyle is horrible i must add onto of the drinking and Not taking my meds correctly.. i am 400lbs 6''8 and 23 years old. i have always been an introvert also my Citalopram... I was supposed to be finished in a amonth.. but it took me 4 months to finish a months worth cause i kept saying w.e ill drink instead to late to take my pill now.. and here i am... i don't even feel like i should be alive.. like.. im scared to be alone and im really scared of my own thoughts. I would go to the hospital but the wait time is like 6 hours which itself will cause anxeity and massive issues... i just don't know what to do i feel like crying non stop, but i know its not helping.. i don[t enjoy anything. im scared..