How I'm dealing with anxiety.

[jenvz]

Hello!

This is my anxiety story. My name is Jen, and I've been diagnosed with GAD. I'm 20 years old and in college. I've always been sort of a worry wort. I would worry about normal day to day things like tests and assignments in high school or if my mom didn't text me back when she got to work so I would know she was safe. But over the last year my anxiety got extremely worse.

When I was in my first year of college I took a psychology course in my second semester. In the course we had to study mental illnesses in depth, and that's when everything went downhill for me because my family has a history of mental illness.

My grandma had late life psychosis a few years ago. My family didn't know what to do. She would accuse everyone of these very bizarre things, and we couldn't get her to see a doctor because she thought everyone else was the problem. My family also didn't want to force her into a mental institute. So my family just made up their own diagnosis and called it schizophrenia.

So, when I was in this psychology class and I was learning about that specific mental illness, I realized it was hereditary. That's when I started looking up symptoms on Google. I started having anxiety attacks when I read anything I could relate to my life, but I related everything I read about that illness back to me somehow.

I started avoiding anything that made me feel like I had that mental illness or I could develop that mental illness. I stopped reading books because I was afraid my imagination was an indicator of psychosis. Every time I would start to daydream I would have an anxiety attack because I was afraid that I wasn't in touch with reality. So I stopped daydreaming. I started "monitoring" my thoughts. If I thought about something even remotely bizarre I would start to worry because I was afraid that I would start believing those bizarre things and that my descent into psychosis would start. If I heard a sound I would have to go and check what could have made it, and if I couldn't find the source I was convinced I was hallucinating and would have an anxiety attack. It was the same thing if I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I saw a commercial about that mental illness on the Food Network Channel, and so I never turned on that channel again. An add on a video on YouTube sounded like it was for that mental illnesses before I quickly skipped it and I was afraid to see it again so I avoided YouTube. I smoked when I was a sophmore in high school a few times because my boyfriend at the time did, and I found a site online that linked it to that mental illness. So I started worrying those couple times that I did will make me develop that illness.

The list is endless.

I would Google millions of things every single day for reassurance that I wasn't losing my mind. I would feel better when I found other people dealing with the same situation and had the exact same fears. I had tons of web pages and other people's stories saved under my favorites to click on when I was worrying. But as time went on, I needed more and more reassurance. I was becoming really depressed and desperate.

Anxiety was ruining my life. My summer was absolutely miserable. I would wake up and worry until I went to bed. I was terrified of losing my mind, and I would have rather be dead then to have that be a possibility. I started praying the rosary every single night and asking God to help me not lose my mind.

Around this same time my grandma had a stroke and needed medical attention. She was given medication for both the psychosis and her stroke, and she started getting better. As she was coming back I felt like I was slipping away. She wanted to see the family during the summer and make up for lost time, but I was terrified to see her because I wanted to avoid everything that made me worry. (I was worried every second of every day anyhow though).

Towards the end of the summer of 2014 I decided I could not live like that anymore. I looked up therapists and scheduled an appointment. Throughout a few sessions, my therapist taught me breathing techniques, and ways to deal with my anxiety. She even told me to snap a rubber band against my wrist whenever I thought about that mental illness as a thought-stopping mechanism. I ended up with terrible welts on my left arm. She told me I just had anxiety and I wasn't losing my mind. And she even mentioned once that maybe my grandma didn't have that mental illness because the latest it manifests is around the 40s. I can't describe what I felt when she said that. It was like I was floating on air. It was short lived though, because then I started worrying what if she really did have it and my therapist is wrong.

The last thing I wanted was to be put on a medication that I had to take every day. I wanted a benzo that I only had to take when I needed it. (I was taking Ativan every day anyways because my mom and my aunt are both prescribed it for anxiety). Ativan would help for a few hours but I was still miserable. So my mom and my therapist both strongly suggested I see my own doctor that would prescribe me my own medication. So I decided to see the psychiatrist that is connected with that doctor's office. He was a younger man not much older than I am, and I tried my hardest to get him to give me a benzo, but he prescribed 50mg of Zoloft. I didn't even put the prescription in. I was stubborn. I didn't want to be reliant on a pill the rest of my life. It was ironic though because I was addicted to Ativan.

I felt at a loss. I felt like nothing could help. Then I met my savior. A psychiatrist was recommended to me and I went to see him. He was in the business for years and has hundreds of patients. I told him my whole story and the first thing he did was tap me on the head with the stack of papers on his desk. He said that my anxiety is born from ignorance. He pulled out a piece of paper and told me to write everything he said down on it. He told me that psychosis is a symptom of schizophrenia just like a fever is a symptom of a cold. He told me my grandma probably doesn't have that illness as psychosis is a symptom of many other illnesses. He asked me if her memory isn't good and he said she has a form of dementia. He told me that everything was just anxiety and he wasn't ever going to prescribe me benzos. He then prescribed me 10mg of Prozac.

I was hesitant, but I decided to give it a try. It was only 10mg. Right?

The first month on the medication was a nightmare. I would wake up in the middle of the night with heart palpitations. I worried about everything like I never worried before. I was at the absolute lowest point in my life. I wanted to stop the medicine, but I made it through. Then things started to get better quickly. I stopped worrying. I started enjoying life again.

That was 7 months ago, and I am back to my old self before this personal hell started taking place. I rarely think about it anymore. I sometimes forget how terrible life was. I wanted to share my story to tell everyone that it gets better. I was at the lowest point in my life and I wanted to die. I'm so thankful that I got through it. I'm happy again! I'm still on the 10mg and I'm slightly afraid to stop taking them. There are days that I forget to and I still don't worry. But rembering how terrible life was makes me nervous to stop them because I'm afraid that I'll start to worry about all of the ridiculous things that I did worry about all day every day again.

When I get stressed out, like around finals which are what I'm dealing with now, I start to worry every now and then and find myself browsing anxiety forums. I also have a hard time saying or typing the name of that specific mental illness. I don't know why though...

My grandma is back to her old self again as well and I've saw her a lot since I got better. Things are looking up.

Thank you to anyone who read my story! I hope I can help even one person who is browsing the Internet at 2 am like I used to for reassurance. You're going to be alright. Anxiety had its hold on me but I beat it. I'm here if anyone needs to vent or talk or needs someone to help them.

-Jen