Nee some help and support with anxiety

[Marie 'rie' Rigby]

I'm sorry if I've posted in the wrong place first of all, I'm new here. I'm 24 years old and my anxiety started when my Dad suddenly died from a blood clot. He was 47. He also suffered from panic attacks.The first night me and my Mom went home after staying with my Sister I had what I now know as a panic attack. Couldn't breathe, shaky and begged Mom to call an ambulance. Thankfully she didn't, she just calmed me down a bit. It never happened again until I was 17. Now I have the most wonderful BF who works 3/4 12 hour nightshifts and I'm a mess at home, everyday. I work part time, from home 2 hours per day. I even had a panic attack during work, whilst talking to someone! I remember NYE, after taking new anti-depressants, my Sister drove us all home and I kept touching my boyfriend like I need to get out of this car over and over and over and he's like what, you can't Felt like forever (5 seconds) until I got out and collapsed on the floor, feeling very very very scared and dazed, like it wasn't me at all. I had 3 heart palpitations in the car and my face suddenly went really hot and cold from the neck up. I genuinely thought I was dying. No-one has ever seen my anxiety like that, not even my boyfriend of 8 years, hence how I knew I was REALLY bad. He said I looked absolutely terrified, like fear etched on my face. We got home and I was crying and wouldn't move and walk upstairs to lie down in case my heart started racing or stopped...It's like this everyday pretty much. My heart will randomly speed up and then I panic for hours and check my heart rate. Even writing this, my heart rate is up and I'm terrified. I feel trapped. I'm crying because I'm just drained, physically and emotionally. Anxiety is especially bad after meals so I stopped eating last year. I lost 4 stone in weight within a year, 2 stone from not eating much. The rest was put down to stress and depression. I stopped those anti-depressants as my anxiety was much much worse at first, which can happen but I couldn't deal with it, especially at home all alone. I can't stay with family/friends as I don't feel 'safe' (in myself) with them. Only my boyfriend I feel ok with. I actually rang for an ambulance last week...How stupid. Heart suddenly pounding an shaking within seconds. I couldn't even walk. I was sobbing and explained I had anxiety and I thought that's what it could be and she was amazing. She said someone would have to see me, because of my heart rate. A nurse rung back and asked for my heart rate and eventually it'd settled so no need to see anyone. It's a living hell. honestly can't find the words. I've cried everyday now the last 3 days as I just can't take it anymore. It's more health anxiety (Hypochondria) As soon as my heart rate speeds up that's it, I cannot control myself. I can't even exercise for fear of this. I've tried rocking which sometimes helps, pacing to stop me 'feeling' it racing, everything. They have a depression & anxiety service for Cognitive behavioural therapy. I referred myself and kept cancelling the day before or a few hours before. I couldn't leave the house, I was so anxious I'd die outside rather than at home. 7 appointments I cancelled and was told to 'come back when you feel ready to keep appointments' Fantastic help. I'm going to go on Citalopram again soon, had them years ago but I know it'll take me weeks to pluck up the courage to take them, with my boyfriend here, then when he has to work I won't take them in case I'm alone and die alone. I keep imagining him dying and being alone then killing myself because he's not here. Then imagine ME dying and HIM being alone and killing himself! I listen to some songs and I get anxious because they mention death or something ridiculously silly that means nothing to most people.This is absolutely mental, I feel crazy. I'm 24 years old. I should be having a life. Instead I'm depressed, anxious, have a few types of OCD and a personality disorder. The OCD intrusive thoughts, wow. They've come back recently after years, maybe 4 months ago and I can't even tell anyone. I feel guilty for things I think and haven't done and I'm paranoid people know what I think etc, I know, it's crazy, right? I don't see why my boyfriend's still here. He said he's not sure how to deal with this as I've been this way for years, it's very very difficult for him to work so many hours with so little sleep and have me be a burden. Where do I go? What do I do from here? I've tried meds, the only non addictive ones and they don't work and I'm not allowed benzos due to possible addiction. Please, does anyone feel like this? I can't take it anymore, I really really can't. I've just but given up hope.... I'm sick of people saying you 'just do it' What, HOW?! I'm paralysed with fear all the time. At least 10 times per day I'm worrying about my health, panic, death, eventually we all die etc and I can't handle it. Literally in sobs.