Im a 20 year old guy, who's struggled very much so ever since grade 9 ended. I used to be so funny, and happy, and always trying to get people laughing whether that be as the class clown or just a good friend with a sense of humour. Thats gone, all of it. Fast forward to now, and I don't know what is wrong with me. Ive been going on a downhill slope for a long time, but maybe its just too hard to hide now, i feel hopeless all the time, i hate my job, i hate the TYPE of job it is (cooking). I know i don't want to do that, but thinking of anything else makes me worry and freeze, then i just end up doing the same thing everyday.... Sleep way too much, til about 3pm since i stay up til 5am, then go to work, come home, and do the same thing.. play xbox or watch tv til 5am or so, most of the time just staring at my computer, telling myself im hungry or whatever, and not doing anything about it, just staring into the screen and watching the time fly by.

I have no idea why im like this, but I think it could be depression, anxiety, SOCIAL anxiety, or Adhd with maybe another disorder. I hate my life right now, quite honestly, and don't know where to turn. As im typing this im worried i will not get a response cause im literally just typing what im thinking, so maybe someone can relate. As you can see my thinking is rapid and doesn't make a whole lot of sense, which is another frustrating thing for me, a lot of the time im thinking so much i cant say anything out loud. I dont remember it being like htis before. Example: Someone will be telling me instructions at work, eye contact, nodding, but it goes in one ear and out the other cause im thinking of a detail he said, or what im going to respond with(which doesnt make sense i you forget what they said) I don't talk to people too much, cause i feel like Im good at introducing myself, and generally being nice, but i can never bring up a topic, or a story, even though i have some, they are all lost on me when i need them. So i tend to just keep quiet do my thing and it makes it worse, spiraling downward in social life right now.

I don't really know what im going to get out of posting this, im just so down all the time, and maybe someone can relate in some way. I should also mention that I did get tested for ADHD over the summer, with the final answer being... Maybe; too many emotional problems to make a definite diagnosis.

With that being said i know i have something messing with my concentration, and motivation. my childhood wasnt the greatest, i only recently noticed i dont remember much fun or happy memories from it, which makes me feel, well, thats the worst type of feeling i think, knowing my childhood is past yet, not getting the most out of it. I thought maybe adhd back then made me zone out, was teh reason for some poor grades, and the many MANY arguments ive had with my parents.(that still occasionally happen) Im just so irritable these days that i don't want to talk to anyone, only people at work i need to talk to. Everything and everyone else im an emotionless blob, one that just wants to quit his job, and repair my mental state. How to do that, i have no idea, and quite frankly.. no hope. I know my thoughts are irrational, thats what keeps me going, but i long for the days where i can just sit on a sunny patio, drink a cool beer, and have a good time with friends, who ive isolated myself from(more shame).

I shall respond to anyone who responds to this, id love to get some hope, inspiration, answers. There is so much more to my problems then just this. I just want to be loved.
Thanks