Hello

I really am looking for some inspiration/advice I suppose, or maybe someone can relate to how I feel and how they overcame it. I apologise if I come across as terribly whiny and I'm fully aware there are people out there in much worse situations than me regarding mental health. But I can't seem to shift this negative thinking pattern right now and I guess it was nice to let off some steam and write. I wrote more than I intended so a big thank you in advance if you do read it all .

I've just finished Uni and will be venturing out into the real world soon....or so I hope.

However, I seem to have gotten myself into a very negative thinking pattern recently, regarding myself as a failure, or a faulty human so to speak because of the history I had with OCD and some general anxiety issues I have now. It's like I've put a mental barrier up stopping myself from moving forward.

Luckily my anxiety issues are nothing too major, a panic attack here and there, some sleep loss before something important, the odd day feeling like rubbish because I'm anxious......having said that, it did recently screw up a travelling trip and I had to come back . I'm working on it though. Anyways, back the subject...

I've labelled myself...
It hit me the other day like a revelation, the part of having a mental illness which cripples me the most is the complete lack of faith I have in myself because I have labelled myself as mentally ill. If I get a wave of anxiety in a given situation, it will instantly makes me feel crap and so much less of a person than everyone around me because of the shear fact that I get these problems in the first place. I just think "what's the point of trying when someone without the illness can do a much better job than me since they don't have the burden of anxiety; my brain has faulty wiring". With all this, I've lost so much motivation before I've even started.

One of the best ways I can describe my feeling right now is to think back to my teens when my ocd hit me hard at times. My ocd was worse than what I have now, but I was actually much happier and led a much richer life because I simply knew less about the illness and in some cases didn't even realise my behaviour was abnormal. I suppose it's the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing in a way.

Of course we have to understand our issues to fight them, but sometimes that can be a double edged sword. Spending hours reading up on the internet, or seeing a psychologist, then labelling yourself as having an ailment.

The annoying stigma
I think one of the main reasons for my negative attitude is the stigma behind mental illnesses and the fact that you can't see the crutches. It would be nice to know others respect and value our efforts in fighting whatever mental illness it is we have without us having to even tell them or explain it. And let's face it, some people are so narrow minded they think they know how to cure you by giving you their advice, "just relax or stop thinking about it". Only if it were that simple.

My mum's a hoarder, My brother has anxiety...I guess my future kids will get something
Because anxiety disorders run in my family, I just feel hopeless. I'm scared to have children, I don't want them to go through some of the stuff I went through. My brother is basically debilitated from life, dropped out of uni and does nothing because of ocd/gad.

I like to believe mental illness can produce great people, but maybe that's just a myth
Lastly, I used to cherish the idea that mental illnesses' went hand in hand with creative talent and it made me feel a lot better, because for all the stuff I went through I could say it caused a positive. But I've lost faith in that idea and assume it to just be a myth now. No matter how good I am at something, there will always be someone else better who has never had a mental illness.


I feel like I'm on the brink of a feeling a whole lot better and ready to move on with my life, only I could just shift this mental barrier I've put up around myself. I know it's in me somewhere. My friend said to me "what seems to be the problem, you're a talented guy" and I keep trying to tell myself that too. I used to be so much more confident when I didn't label myself.


Thanks again for reading and any form of reply is greatly appreciated