Death/time anxiety and depression ruling my life 24/7

[littlebirdee]

Who passed on that you were close with? And how did they pass?

Well this feeling wasn't directly triggered by someone's death but it certainly does contribute to these feelings, the latest person in my family to pass was my uncle who died of throat cancer last year. He lived longer than doctors expected but still had a pretty long and brutal dying process. He had a wonderful attitude about "living on borrowed time" and "I'm so happy to see all my loved ones here with me". At least he had time to come to terms with death and have a proper goodbye even with the pain.

I think getting very old, frail, and forgotten in a nursing home and just dying overnight may be scarier than cancer. It all seems horrible. And while his immediate family are all religious and look forward to meeting him in heaven, I have no such beliefs and dearly miss one of my favorite uncles who will no longer be carving the thanksgiving turkey or making his special spiked egg nog at Christmas. I dread Christmas getting emptier and emptier over time.

[dancingsunflowers80]

Hi, ugh my heart just breaks for you. You sound super passionate about life, glad that you have so many things to be grateful for. And it's great you are trying different things to relieve the feelings you have. Have you thought about chatting with a counselor? Not a psychiatrist, just a counselor who is there to listen and reflect. It helped me many times in my life when the issues were far greater than I could handle. Hang in there.

mommato2lilmonkeys

[littlebirdee]

Hi, ugh my heart just breaks for you. You sound super passionate about life, glad that you have so many things to be grateful for. And it's great you are trying different things to relieve the feelings you have. Have you thought about chatting with a counselor? Not a psychiatrist, just a counselor who is there to listen and reflect. It helped me many times in my life when the issues were far greater than I could handle. Hang in there.

mommato2lilmonkeys

I will try to find a counselor but it is so hard in a one car situation. I will see what I can do. I feel like I have tried everything to relieve my feelings. So far the only thing that seems to work is trying to get numb to the feelings I'm feeling so they get "old" and become boring or dull to dwell upon rather than heart stompingly terrifying. Ironic that thoughts growing old with time might be my only way out of worrying about, well, growing old with time. Lol. thank you for your kindness

[littlebirdee]

Who else? Go through them. Does not have to be related (family).

Do not underestimate, in your words, the effect (shock/trauma) "a brutal dying process" has on your psyche.

Well, my cousin's girlfriend who I knew fairly well started having seizures and ended up brain dead out of the blue with no warning signs when she was only in her mid 30's which was pretty devastating. My grandfather passed when I was very young and I never knew my father's mother. Both of my grandparents on my mother's side are still alive and seem to be healthy and happy in their 80's but I dread their passing as I am close to them. My boyfriend's father is elderly, in his mid 70's, and in astonishing health but I am petrified of seeing my boyfriend lose his cool demeanor in the face of death and having to have my greatest ally in this fight also be tormented by these thoughts. I have been fortunate to not witness many deaths in my circle of loved ones, friends or family, which I guess is where the dread comes in - it has to happen soon, any day now.

I am happy to hear that I am not alone and that it is not just a younger person's irrational worrying but something more natural that occurs in all phases of life. I do take comfort in knowing I'm not the victim of some hideous curse chosen just for me. I am happy to hear that you said you had everything in your life by age 40 - I wish to feel a similar sense of accomplishment in the years to come. Do these feelings get easier to deal with as you age and see others around you pass away? I am hoping that as I mature and learn more about the world around me I won't feel as tortured or threatened by these thoughts.

I am trying to change my feelings about death to feelings of "it's a part of who we all are and natural and peaceful oblivion after a hard life of work". Instead of viewing death as a horrifying end I try now when I take a nap or feel tired to think "this blissful feeling of falling asleep after a long day must be what death is like" and try to feel uplifted by it rather than haunted.

[Im-Suffering]

I am hoping that as I mature and learn more about the world around me I won't feel as tortured or threatened by these thoughts.

Listen carefully.

Make your own world.

Learn more about yourself, and you won't feel threatened by thoughts or the world, period. That is the worthy endeavor. Find who you are. Regardless of what the world wants you to be. Regardless of the birth-death cycle. And it is a circle of life. I want you to look at babies, to look at pictures, to see some newborns in the natal unit after birth. (Healthy). Play with puppies/kittens, baby animals. Do you see?

Not to focus on death but to direct your mind back to love. Death is fear, life is love. This is why you are anxious.

I want you to embrace life, you understand, with the same magical impetus that a fetus has in its desire to be born. Remember too that you were once that fetus, and your impetus a wonderful life ahead. This is natural. An expectation, an excitement, wonder and magic.

That is life. And ultimately will be your conclusion of it.

[littlebirdee]

Listen carefully.

Make your own world.

Learn more about yourself, and you won't feel threatened by thoughts or the world, period. That is the worthy endeavor. Find who you are. Regardless of what the world wants you to be.

I can tell your words come from a very personal and real place and I am moved by them. I will make a greater effort to find love and excitement in my time here on earth. It is challenging to feel a drive to live when I can't seem to take my thoughts away from one day not living, but I will try as hard as I can. Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness in your responses to me.

[Mr Jingles]

I am terrified that how I am feeling is the "truth" or how things REALLY are while everyone else is blissfully aware of what's "behind the curtain" so to speak.

What you are feeling is A truth. "The truth" implies no other. Many tragedies of human history seem to stem from this misunderstanding, everything from religious wars to daily disagreements, to you and I just feeling horrible because we believe some thought in our head to the exclusion of all others.

These feelings and thoughts about life and death are coming at you pretty hard. Perhaps they need to be heard. They are certainly trying to get your attention. But remember that life is very complex, and what we know about it is dwarfed by what we don't. There are so many ways to look at the mystery of life. So many truths relative to who we are, our experiences, and where we're standing.

Whatever you end up believing, I hope you find some peace. Anxiety and depression and being lost in our thoughts is so painful.

[littlebirdee]

What you are feeling is A truth. "The truth" implies no other. Many tragedies of human history seem to stem from this misunderstanding, everything from religious wars to daily disagreements, to you and I just feeling horrible because we believe some thought in our head to the exclusion of all others.

Yes, this is something i definitely need to keep in mind, and who the hell am I to determine I know the mysteries of life death and the universe, etc. I hold out hope that human consciousness can carry on in some way even if my ego dies, or that artificial/digital consciousness or robot bodies become a "thing" in my lifetime, who knows? I would be okay with being a robot

It has been painful. Oddly enough, a good friend of mine and my boyfriend's closest friend tragically died in a car accident last night and I felt more at peace with these thoughts than I have in a while. I just kept trying to stay calm and think about death as just peaceful sleep and while it's tragic when any 25 year old dies, I didn't have a full blown panic attack. Maybe I'm still in shock and this is just the "eye of the storm" but I hope that facing death head on in the coming days will give me some form of peace when it strikes again. My boyfriend is handling his grief in a very practical way and I don't know if I could in his shoes, maybe he's in shock too. Hard to tell less than 24 hours from the event.

[dancingsunflowers80]

Hi - I saw your post about the difficulty of finding a counselor with one car. I know of a non-profit that offers free counseling over the phone. It's a one time service, but the point is for them to guide you in the right direction and maybe help you find someone locally in your area. Might be something to consider! The number is 1800afamily. Let me know if you need more info!

Praying for ya,
mommato2lilmonkeys

[Mr Jingles]

littlebirdee,

How are you feeling about the death of your friend now? Still calm or have things changed?

My hope is always that death is a peaceful sleep, the end of all problems. Or, that if there is an after life or next life that me trying hard to be a good person will mean life might even be a little easier in the next round.