Not quite sure, but scared

[victorianisse]

Hello! I am new here. I am a 17 year old girl, and I just want to know..

For quite a while I have been feeling terrible. My heart has been pounding, for some reason I'm shaking a lot, sometimes I feel as if I can't breathe properly, I'm dizzy and lightheaded. I'm afraid of many things, such as what I dress in, even though two years ago I was filled with confidence and couldn't give a crap. I feel like if I died it really wouldn't matter, and I think about different ways I could kill myself, but right now I don't think I could act on it. Because I'm also afraid of death. The future terrifies me, but just a year ago I was burning with passion for what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and basically just the future. I can't relax, only forget about my problems for a little while when I watch movies, series or read books. Anything that stops me from thinking really, but it has lead to me burying myself in fiction. I come up with bad excuses a day or a couple hours before events so I won't have to attend them, even though I really wanted to go for a long time. And I've lost interest in almost everything. School, family, friends, future, myself.. I cry myself to sleep, I cry when I'm alone and no one can see me.

When I'm at school I cover myself in a facade with smiles, laughter and spend all my energy on that as well as listening to my friends problems and comforting them. I would do so much to see them happy. When I come home I'm exhausted. That's why I don't spend time with friends outside of school, I simply don't have the energy to hold up the facade for so long. I even pretend everything is okay when I'm at home, my parents have no idea. I think, because they don't seem concerned about me. Lately I've been skipping school and I feel awful because of it. At first, my friends were really worried and asked why I was away, and I told them I was sick. But then they stopped believing that I was sick, I ran out of excuses, and they stopped asking. I think they're angry I'm not in school every day, but I feel like I physically can't go to school. This makes me sad, angry with myself and even more frightening to go to school.

I haven't talked to anyone about this, which makes me sad. The thought of telling anyone freaks me out, because I'm afraid they wont' believe me and think it's just another excuse. The reason I started to think I have anxiety or something is that a friend of mine is struggling with it, and I read something about it on tumblr that described scarily well how I felt on a daily basis. And I know reading about symptoms online can freak me out even more, and maybe enlarge the problem, but I just want to know. And I want to share my thoughts with my friends, but as I said I'm afraid they're going to laugh in my face, and I'm not even sure what it is! And I'm scared! I have asked if I can talk to the school nurse though.

Can anyone give any thoughts please? I'm sort of freaking out publishing this!

[stevienicks]

I feel your pain, I suffer from the same feelings that you do. Many of the people on this site do- which is why is exists. Today is the first day I've had the courage to actually make an account, and share some of the problems that are absorbing me at the moment. It seems ridiculous to be afraid to share your anxiety/depression/whatever stories with people online due to embarrassment, or fear of being judged. I mean, no one knows each other on a personal level, yet is has taken me several months of consideration to actually post something- so we are similar.
Based on your physical symptoms, it definitely sounds as though you are suffering anxiety. I'm 19, and currently at university, and a lot of your feelings with school reflect my experience there- and before when I was at school. I wasn't even aware of anxiety issues until last year when I went to the doctor, then everything made sense. 17 is a tough age, but you're not alone. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents about the way you feel (I know I'm not), you should open to your friend, if they're undergoing similar problems it will be easier for you to connect with them. See a doctor, anxiety can be controlled, it will take time, but it won't be like this forever.
Feel free to PM me, and stay strong.

[Evanchic]

Is there any event or anything specific that sparked all this?

I was similar. I had a dream for my future with determination then one day I was sitting on my couch reading a book and my heart skipped about 4 beats in a row. I stood up and had a panic attack. Every day after that for 2 months, I had panic attacks all day. Walking across the room, I'd have an attack. Of course, I thought I was dying. Strange thing, as I learned to cope and control my attacks, my symptoms kept changing. I felt like you do now. And that was the start of my severe anxiety.

[Dragons]

It does sound like what you're experiencing is anxiety and/or panic attacks ... the fast heart rate, lightheadedness, etc. are all pretty common symptoms. And I know what you mean about putting on a happy face for everyone else, and burying yourself in fiction to escape reality; I do those things as well, and I know a lot of other people with anxiety do as well. I'm glad to hear you'll be talking to the school nurse, because that's probably a good place to start. Just remember, you're definitely not alone! A lot of people struggle with anxiety and I'm sure you can find a good outlet for support. Hopefully your school nurse can refer you to someone––but if not, could you ask your friend who also has anxiety to refer you to someone to talk to? I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I hope things get better.

[victorianisse]

Omg thank you all for replying, it means a lot to me!

To Evanchic, I can't really remember not feeling like this. It probably sounds stupid, but I really can't, so pinpointing it down is hard (given I have thought about what could have started it lately). A big part of it is definitely about my future and the uncertainty there, but after Easter I can get an appointment with a psychiatrist and I hope that will help.
I have also talked to some of my friends now about it, and it's comforting to know that my closest friends know and of course that you supportive people here as well, it really lifts part of the burden. Talking about it to the school nurse has also made it a bit more difficult, because I never really wanted to pay much attention to it and buried it, so now everything sort of rises to the surface, and since I talk to her in between classes I'm always terrified that I won't be able to stop my shaking or that I'm going to cry in front of my classmates. But so far so good I guess..

I'm really hoping to get better, and to be more open about it (I'm afraid to tell my family) and your helping words and concern really helps me. Thank you

[Kashman31591]

I felt similar when I was your age. For me, I have a mix of panic disorder and mild depression. I think what you are feeling is normal, all your symptoms are common enough. I was diagnosed very young and am on meds, when I remember to take them I'm as right as rain. If this becomes more of an issue you can seek help from therapists or talk to a doctor about medication. It also might help to tell a close friend. All my friends know and and no one has ever said anything negative to me about it. Panic attacks are horrifying but easy to overcome with the right help. Good luck.