For reasons I'll let remain unknown, I wasn't able to smoke marijuana from about November 2011 until about February of 2012. Through that period of time, I found myself bored more often - but a little less anxious. Now that I can smoke, I have gotten high almost everyday for the past month. I quit running in the morning before work (which was helping me tremendously with my daily mood and attitude and my overall health), I've blown off plans I've made with friends, and I'm feeling overall unhealthy and fatigued. I know that marijuana isn't technically addictive, physically at least, but I feel that I may have some dependence on it - and it is making overcoming fear and anxiety so much harder.
I'm a big list guy. I always keep a daily planner with me and I tend to stay very organized (there's a post-it note on almost everything in my office). Everyday I fill my planner with things I want to do that day, the next day, or some poin in the future. In the morning when I'm getting ready for work I think about all the stuff I'm gonna do that day, and sometimes if I have some extra time in the morning I'll even get some of that stuff done. For example, this morning before work I did a partial water change in my 30 gallon fish tank, something I've been meaning to do all week. Know why I hadn't done it til this morning? Because that is truly the only time I feel motivated, when I have a fresh start and a clean slate for the day. i was the same way in college. If I had an assignment due, I'd almost always wake up really early and do it instead of staying up extra late. That's just me - I guess I'm a morning person.
I find, though, that by the time 2 o'clock rolls around I start looking at the clock more and more (I get off work at 4). I get anxious and just can't wait to get back to my couch. It's like my safe zone. There's no enxiety on my couch. Just me, my tv, video games and weed. Once I finally get home and get to smoking I feel good. A lot of times, last night for example, I'll fall asleep at like 7 since the weed makes me tired. I woke up at 10 last night and realized I slept my day away, and had to go back to bed so I could just wake up and do it all again. My list today is the same as it was yesterday, which was the same the day before that. I hate it. I tell myself I should just not smoke weed then if I realize it's causing all these problems. But I guess the thing is, I haven't found anything yet in my anxious, stress filled life that makes me feel as good and as relaxed as weed does.
I get very paranoid when i'm high - not because I'm worried about getting caught, that actually never crosses my mind - but because of how I look. When I'm high I hate the way I look. My eyes look terrible and I know I look bad. That's on top of me already being overly self-concious. So basically, if I smoke, all bets are off for my social life. I don't want to be around people because I know I'll look bad. Yesterday a buddy invited me to go to the bar around 9 o'clock. I had smoked at about 4:30, passed out, woke up at 10, then had to text him and tell him I dozed off. Like I've mentioned before if you've read my posts, I live in a new area. I've been here a little over a year and I really can't afford to lose the few friends I have here.
Loneliness is one of my biggest issues. I hate feeling lonely. But I can see before my eyes how marijuana is making me more and more lonely, since it makes me neglect social interactions. Then, when I don't smoke and I actually do something social I feel anxious. It's like, "Shit, I have been a recluse for the past 2 weeks and now I'm out... I need to make it worth it!" That puts pressure on myself to be social and makes me nervous.
I guess there's no real way to end this post, or any questions to be answered. I just need to take weed out of my life. Or save it for times when I know it won't interfere with any other plans. Can anybody relate to this? I feel like it is a very significant factor to my anxiety, but I just feel so good when I'm doing it...