Hello all. It's 3am and I am sitting up. The anxiety wins again. I'm away from home right now and feeling so uncomfortable that I can't even go and lie down. I suffer from anxiety with agoraphobia, as they put in the reading material.
So, why am I here? Well, I need help that I am just not getting. Like others out here, I have pushed everyone away except my fiance, who can be overbearing. I look at my life sometimes and I don't know how it got this way. I should have graduated college in 2004 and I am still trying to finish...three credits left that I can't get done because I get so anxious about going to class that I end up quitting. I spend at least 30 minutes every day trying to find something physically wrong with me online because I just can't believe I can control this. I can't believe that I would let myself live like this.
I've tried three different meds...no help. I've tried therapy twice...I find therapy for agoraphobics ironic. If I could leave the house, I wouldn't need therapy. I'm at my witts end. I feel like I am watching myself wilt away sometimes. I think about who I used to be and I cry. I miss me. I was that wild friend that would do anything. I guess in the grand scheme, nothing too crazy, but I was the one who everyone took the road trip with. I was the one who would go to the club and dance by myself because all I wanted to do was have a good time. I was that outspoken girl in class who drove everyone crazy because I had an opinion on everything and I made it known.
Now I see myself finding it hard to go to the gas station. I can't go out with my friends. My fiance hasn't seen a movie in the theaters since he started dating me nor has he eaten in a restaurant. I can't walk the dog. I miss me. I miss life. Not all days are bad, but the bad ones are enough to cloud the good ones. I spend all the good days waiting for the bad to come. Sometimes I honestly feel like I am dying. I don't drink, but I do smoke and some days, I smoke so much (like yesterday) because I am so anxious all day that I spend the next day (like today) not being able to breath...which causes anxiety.
I am here because I am hoping someone out here can offer me hope. I am hoping that someone can show me that maybe one day I can get better.
Love,
Mandy