hey.. i'm going through the exact same thing as you.. i know how bad it sucks.. i have the same thoughts, what ifs, what if i'm okay with these thoughts, etc. go talk to someone. i bottled my emotions up for a month before i opened my mouth and now i have a support group of friends who i know i can turn too when i need it, as well as a therapist i trust. find someone you trust and talk to them, it really helps!
good luck!