I've always had trouble being happy. I remember constantly being scared as a child and never feeling content with life as I grew older. I rarely dated. I always thought it was because I never found someone I felt something for. For the most part that was true. I had crushes on people that were taken because that seemed safe. I'd have a mini heartbreak instead of a full on one that might come from actually putting myself in a vulnerable relationship.

I met the most perfect man just over two years ago. I was drawn to him instantly but I didn't put it together in a romantic sense. We worked together and had a similiar sense of humor/tastes in music/movies/tv. We got along very well. He had a girlfriend although I didn't think I had a romantic interest in him so that didn't matter. About a year after meeting him, he got another job. I was destroyed. Him leaving hurt more than I thought it could. we were just friends, afterall. I still did not realize I had feelings for him.

A month or so after he left the job, he and his girlfriend broke up. This excited me a bit...but I still didn't realize why. A little more than a month after that, we decided to hang out. I instantly was nervous/excited. It felt wonderful that we were going to explore...whatever was going on between us. We began seeing each other regularly but romance was slow building. we both had feelings but we took it slow. Within a few months of seeing him, I felt like this was it for me. I knew I loved him early on and was done looking.

We have been unbelievably happy for a year. I've never felt so happy, so amazing, so lucky. He is the perfect man and tells me he loves me all the time, tells me I am beautiful, is there for me no matter what. We've been talking about marriage for some time now and over the last few months, it was all I could think about. I obsessed over it this past summer. Everytime I saw him, I wondered if that would be the day he would ask. he talks about it as much as I do so I know he is just as excited.

About two weeks ago I was driving home from his house and had a major panic attack. I did not know what it was over, so i started to search for an answer. I thought about work and then I thought about him. my brain got stuck on him and started questioning my feelings for him. I know that i love him so this tore me up. I had off and on panic attacks over this for a week so I started to see a therapist.

my brain sticks on my boyfriend because he's the closest thing to me. i've never given myself so completely to another person before him. he knows every part of me. suddenly this seems to scare me. i have my good and bad moments, but the bad moments are so scary that i'm losing sight of everything else. When I let myself think about ending the relationship, that makes me want to die. I have no desire for another man, I have no desire to move on in life. he has made me so happy so why is my brain tearing that apart?

I finally decided to write something on this thread because the bad moments are getting worse. While I know I would never take my life, the thoughts are so constant and so scary that it makes me not want to function. I'm having trouble remembering good things. my brain only thinks about bad things.

i just don't know what to do.