Hey so im 21 and just dont know whats up with me my heads all over the place right now. Im in the midst of moving to a new city but i keep going down on myself and its holding me back from making decisions.
I feel so different from other people, i dont have any talents or hobbies beyond video games, watching sports and talking sports and cars. Plus my main intrests are like conspiracy based for the most part(space,aliens,economy failures).
Ive had a dysfunctional childhood and seem to have a different level of maturity as compared to ALOT of others in my age bracket(18-25).
Ive always been kinda shy but in the same respect extremely social, im the guy at work that gets along most every staff member and in my past 3 jobs ive been that guy. Im really laid back and try my best to show a mature level of respect towards everyone. Although i do have a bit of an attitude towards authority(managers,landlords,etc.). Just cant be myself around them.
Thing is most people my age are in college or university but based on my life circumstances i havent ever much been able to settle on a program i would like to take and i cant tell if its just me being a boring person or if it could have something to do with the chaotic family life i had through my teens.
I never go out to parties, I end up comparing myself to other people and see how accomplished they seem and how much more outgoing they are then me and i end up feeling like how will i ever be like that? I go through phases where i go out and drink more with friends from work and stuff but i tend to retract and go back to just hangin out with a couple select friends at my place. Parties just seem to be filled with people who have no responsibilites and i just cant relate, i wish i could but its so much more complicated than just ignoring it. I would never hold this over anyones head tho as most people have zero control over it. Plus, I dont dance. I just feel awkward and as if everyones watching me and judging me so ive never done it. Its a big thing that makes me feel like an 'outcast'.
Ive lived on my own now for a bit over a year working full time as a server at a restaurant. In that time i essentially commited myself to earning money to compensate for the fact i dont go out much and am not in school. Inside of just under 2 years ive now saved a total of 10 grand and just bought an old car for a $1000 so i can finally drive and have more freedom.
Im hoping soon enough ill decide on something to go to school for that ill be consistently interested in and willing to commit myself to.
See thing is i cant get past this different than everyone feeling. I feel it restricts me from getting a gf which depresses me even more as i have only my brother who im close with and he lives 2 hours away.
Im short like 5'6 or maybe 5'7 but know im a bit of a pretty boy looks wise. I feel being short affects my chances with girls quite a bit and may influence the way other people view me and treat me.
Im so sensitive when it comes to myself and overthink things far too much.
I just want to have a goal school wise and career wise that i truly believe in and will strive for but it should be something that stands out to me and really intrests me. Yet nothing does. This makes me feel hopeless as what am i working towards then? and what nice pretty intelligent girl is going to settle for that even?
I had a long term relationship for 2 years, i was 18 and she was 16 when got together. Yes we were young i understand but it was the only time i felt secure and that i had some direction. She left me cuz she felt we had different intrest and cuz i couldnt mesh with her friends. I was just not on the same level as them, i HAD to work and make money so i could be self supportive and they just looked down on me cuz i wasnt in school. Plus me being shy and comparing myself to the other guys in the group of friends and not being able to stand out above the others makes me feel so insecure. She was a great girl, so pretty and so honest and true to who she was. I just look at that and say 'i had her and she left me for a reason'. Clearly i cant give her what she wants so how can i ever find another girl like her thats not going to look down on me.
I know im not dumb, i know im not overly unattractive(short tho yes) and i know i have positive traits but what is standing out here? Is there anything?
I just cant figure out if this is all in my head and whether im actually doing everything right here and stuff will all come together in time or if i need to make a drastic change in my life.
I intend on moving to get myself away from all the people who view me this way, my ex, her friends and all my bad memories out here and out near my brother. Not that i ever see them but im concerned i will wherever i go and that my unaccomplish and unequal feeling will kick in and show still.
This feels like a type of anxiety to me almost. It could be nothing tho, i dont have any older relatives or close people that i would ever speak about this stuff to so this may be all normal for someone to feel. I lost my mother when i was 17 due to alcoholism and my father turned his back on me and my younger brother so thats not really an option.
Any advice is appreciated guys, just wanna be happy and content with who i am without feeling like im bound to be unsuccessful and not accomplish my goals.