im not going to blame all my paranoia, and anxiety and depression from smoking weed, but i do think it makes it worse.
i had been smoking all my teenage hood, on again off again, but over the last year and a half i had been smoking heavily, 5-10 joints a day just to feel normal, i guess i had to crash someday. i was unemployed at the time, i went through countless jobs just trying to get hired, i was being rediculed as being useless by everyone around me but that was not the case, i just couldnt catch a break. i was smoking weed all day everyday, i stayed high for about 5 months having the odd day off. my paranoia and anxiety just got worse as i went to a celebration to help legalise mary jane. i was so paranoid at that point, paranoid that my friends were after me, paranoid that there was cameras in the trees, paranoid that there was undercover cops everywhere. i had a break down
i remember riding in the car back from the road trip thinking, why am i so out of my head, lyrics in songs started to be more real to me, i thought that everything everyone was saying was related to my insecurites in my life. we smoked half an ounce that weekend, about 35 40 joints between 5 of us. i started to think very bad thoughts, i quit my band the thing that filled my days, i turned on my mates, the anxiety i had with them was too much to stick with them.
after i quit my band i went into a severe depression, for atleast 6 weeks, i thought how the hell am i going to get through this, i had to reach out. i attended a 50th birthday and i couldnt handle being around these people, i couldnt stop shaking i had to ring up my best mate and tell him to get me out of here. the next morning i lost alot of sleep, i woke up very early and i couldnt get back to sleep because there was so many thoughts flying through my head, i had to talk to someone so at about 7 am i texted my sister and told her what i was thinking, i picked up the phone and broke into tears, i had a long talk to her, i talked to her about how my mother died, how the band was my world, how i didnt know why i was feeling this bad about how my decision of leaving the band would effect all the people around me. i convinced myself i lost my reputation, i became a bitch. i woke up scared.
i let my guitarist know how i felt, we had 3 joints that afternoon and i started having panic attacks. i blacked out, hit the concrete and coiled over and cut up my arms, it really scared me from that point, i didnt know what just happened. i was soo out of my head, so out of my personality, paranoia anxiety and depression disabled me.
this went on for about another 4 weeks because i bottled up my feelings inside until i could talk to my dad about how i felt, i had to reach out to my family in my time of need and shed alot of tears in the process. i finally told my dad that i thought i had lost all my friends, i thought my reputation was shot, i thought it was the end of the world ultimately, until he told me one thing that gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. he told me that i shouldnt worry about what people think about me, he told me that i was the only one that was going to change the way i felt, he told me that just because this one person thought this it doesnt mean the next person thinks the same. it really changed the way i thought, i started to get my confidence back, i started to be able to look at myself in the mirror again without seeing such a bad person in the reflection. it really helped me, i felt like i could work on these things, face my problems because i knew it wasnt going to be easy. i formed a new band but i was still feeling guilty because i knew that i was the one to blame.
i never regreted leaving my first band because if i didnt i wouldnt of gone through this ordeal and i couldnt of learnt from it about life. i would say im through the depression but im definately feeling better about myself, when ever im feeling down i say to myself fuck the world, im gonna do what makes me happy and what makes me happy is music.