I have been Diagnosed with a Anxiety Disorder I think I suffer from more then one though. Agoraphobia is a Fear of Fear to make it simple. ( I think anyways and if thats right I suffer from that as well ) I had a very Rocky Childhood I grew up with no Dad to this day I have never seen Him or anything. I hear He's a Alcoholic cant really say I'm suprised my Mom ment him at a Bar before they had Sex. :cry: Growing up was super Hard my Mom wasn't the best She was in and out of the Hospital for Severe Depression and other Mental Disorders my entire Kid life. I was thrown back and fourth from Her to my Aunts house to my Grandmas Place. I still live with my Grandma my Mom doesn't Work ( And she hasnt in a very Long Time ) She stays in a little Apartment with Her " Boyfriend" who is 12 years older then Her. And suprise suprise He's a Alcoholic He does nothing either. They both stay up all night and sleep all Day. When I used to stay at my Aunts I would notice I would get Nervous and stuff. My Aunt had Four kids and she had everything going. Living there was very Different and Tough I wasn't used to getting Yelled at by Her or Spanked. I remember getting made fun of by my Cousins they would always talk about my Mom and say really Hurtful things to Me. I was 12-13 at the time and already very very Sensitive ( Which I still am to this day)
My Mom would come and go She would get out of the Hospital for 1 Day then go Crazy and run from the Cops and be in the Hospital again the next day. Seeing how my Mom suffered from Mental issues some of that was prolly passed to Me. But I dont think its so much Genetics as it is my Childhood. When me and my Mom would go somewhere in the Car she would ( Sometimes scare me on Purpose by Stoping Late ect.) But in General She Drove Fast and would Laugh and have a Ball at my expense when I was scared to death at the time. She was a Reckless Driver then it's that simple we got rear-ended once and That scared me to Death. It wasn't my Moms fault though but all the other close-calls we had had and her getting mad at Me for crying and throwing fits b.c I would Fear An Accident or something Terrible happening to Me in a Car or anything else. I just Feared alot of things then and in a way I was wanting it to happen ( or I was Expecting it to) I remember right after the Accident I was Crying and Crying so bad not so much B.C. we got rear-ended. But B.C. I was mad at my Mom for everything she had done and not done and the way she Drove and everything else inbetween. I've been to several different Doctors and not one of them has done any good for Me. My most Recent one told me to Deal with it and stop using it as a crutch if I want to have anything when i'm older. I dont have any Help in my Family they dont get it. To them its all a bunch of shit and it just isnt a big deal. They just say well everyone gets Nervous sometimes and ect. its no different deal with it.... ops: :twisted: :x :cry: That makes me so so so so so so so so Angry! I could let someone shoot Me and I wouldnt care. Theres has been Several times when I've broken down and cried and said everything and all they said was well what do you want us to do? We dont know what to do and thats the end of it. One Doctor I had Put me on 6 Different Meds at once and I was a F****** Zombie ( No JOKE) that was my 8th Grade year I could barely keep my Eyes open. The system let me down I got no help from the School, Doctors, Family No One. I missed like 40-50 Days of School that year I gained a bunch of weight and I had to go to Court for Missing. The judge didnt care about the Anxiety issue at all. I stood up there Frozen I couldnt speak. He asked me a few questions I didnt say anything b.c I couldnt. Then He started to get mad and He yelled at me then I started Crying and I answerd Him. That was by far the worst experience of my entire life. I'm a Senior in HighSchool now i'm not on any Meds and I havent been since last year. I was taking Effexor Xr it did nothing. Walking into Gas stations, Stores or anyother place where theres lots of people or a chance something could happen to me is what I try my best to avoid. Usually I dont even have to think about it I just look around and sense this could be bad. I wouldnt wanna run into my Ex-girlfriend and her friends they might start cussing at me or something infront of everyone making a big scene which I dont want. When I go into gas stations and there is a big line and I already have what I want. I'l pretend i'm still looking around so I can avoid the line. When i'm ready to leave Malls I always get nervous that the Door wont open and people will laugh at me and think im stupid. I Stutter alot, and my Panic attacks happen alot and usually get to the point where I cant think or react to anything or anyone. ( then people think im like retarted or something b.c of that ) Idk what i'm gonna do suffer I guess im pretty much used to it.