I should start by saying that I know this post is ridiculously long - but PLEASE, please take the time to read and reply. I cannot express how much I need to talk about this and how much it would mean to me to hear back from others.
My problem began two years ago - just before graduating college, my fiance was offered an important internship that would have led to a good, steady job after graduating. He became very ill with stomach problems - vomiting, stomach pain, couldn't eat, and so on. Because he does have GIRD and acid reflux, everyone assumed that his problems were physical. However, he was oddly reluctant to see any doctors about it. He was say things like "They can't help me anyways" or "There's nothing they can do - life will always be like this and I better get used to it." He lost his job, and also proposed to me right before losing his job. Things went downhill from there - he has not worked since and was almost always ill. He would get very ill, then a little better, we would think things were turning around, and then he'd be sick again with these stomach problems. I finally convinced him to see a doctor, but over those two years he kept only 3-4 appointments.
Finally, a month ago, things got very bad, worse than they'd ever been. He got REALLY sick (which had happened before) and did not get better (which hadn't) - constant vomiting, he lost 15 pounds in a week and a half because he couldn't eat, had two ER visits in that week, and finally started making statements about how he would rather die than live like this, about how he wanted to die, about how he could drive his car into a tree and no one would know he had done it on purpose, that I was his only reason for living and he'd ruined my life so he might as well die anyway. I was terrified, and insisted he go to his doctor and get a referral to a therapist.
Well, he did and he's been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Both his primary care physician and his therapist believe that his stomach problems have all stemmed from the anxiety (I should note here that his GI specialist has never been able to find any problems with his stomach that would cause these symptoms). Where we are today: he's only seen his therapist twice, so things are in the very early stage as far as that goes, but he's been put on medication and it's helped him so much. Things aren't perfect, and he still has physical as well mental symptoms of the anxiety, but it's like I've gotten the man that I fell in love with back - after all, it's been two years since I've seen him.
So what's the problem? Well, now that things are getting better finally, I find myself resentful, angry, and selfish. I always believed that love would get us through and I would stand by him through anything, but reality has been much harsher than I ever imagined. Now that he's getting better, and I'm not totally focused on getting him through each day, I look back over those two years and see everything I have sacrificed for him. I have been increasingly unhappy - he isn't working or trying to find work, and up until a few weeks ago he was always sick. To add to this, we live with his parents and have been for the last several years because he hasn't worked and therefore couldn't contribute financially to us moving out. I could afford to support myself living alone, but not both of us - but I am really unhappy living with them and feel desperately trapped.
Over the two years of his illness, we completely lost our connection - any time we spent together was overpowered by the fact that he was sick. We never talked, never enjoyed our time together, and never left the house. I feel like I have been strong for so long and have supported him (emotionally, monetarily, in all ways) for so long and now I just can't anymore. Where did my patience go? I feel like I got him through to the point where now he has help and hope, and now I'm done and I just don't want to do anymore. All I want is a normal life, an apartment, independence, and a guy who will take me out to dinner once in awhile - I want things to be easy, for once. On the other hand, I still love him and the thought of hurting him kills me. I don't want out because I don't love him anymore - I want out because I'm exhausted and so sick of supporting someone else and so tired of being unhappy all the time. I feel like an old woman at 24 and I'm so resentful that he - and his illness - ALWAYS comes before me.
To add to all of this the fear of me leaving him is a huge anxiety trigger for him. I can't have an open conversation with him about how unhappy I am because even hinting that we might not be together forever is enough to at best make his physical symptoms (nausea and stomach pain) reoccur, and at worst send him into a panic attack. If I say there's a problem with our relationship, he immediately assumes I'm going to leave him, and I spend my time reassuring him rather than actually discussing the problem - it's enough to make me want to leave him!
Please be brutally honest. Am I a horrible person to want to abandon the man I love because I can't deal with his illness anymore? Is there any hope for our relationship? Has anyone else dealt with this issue? How can I talk to him about this without making him sick again? Please, I'd love to hear from anyone in a relationship where one partner has anxiety problems - how do you make it work?