hi, new. sorry this post is so long--


so, it seems that i am developing some sort of onslaught of varied agoraphobia.
i have been dealing with a lot of changes in my life over the last few months--changes that have left me UTTERLY depressed and just generally messed up.
i think the best discription is that i am a car-crash of a human being lately.

anyway, i've been seeking treatment for the depression. i am hooked up with a shrink (is that a derrogatory term?) and i have been recently prescribed meds.

during the intake session, we lightly touched on my fear of crowds.

it's been a life-long thing. i am an artist, a loner, INFP personality *i tested 89% introverted--wow*
i've always had a pretty accute fear of...like being in front of a crowd, giving speeches or presentations, and i generally avoid being in large crowds.
i've always considered it more philosophical than phobic--

that is, a large group in public just seems like the loneliest place in the world to me--an ocean of people all acting like they dont notice each other. sad...makes me feel awful to be there.

so i've always generally eschewed being around places like that, and if i have to go, it was usually an in-and-out asap type thing...

well...since i've fallen into this seemingly death-trap of a pit of depression, i have noticed that fear becoming more and more prevalent--so much so that i become a sort of generalized angry at everyone i see--like overtly defensive to the point of actually being OFFENSIVE--

like "what are you looking at?!"
i mean, of course i dont say it, i only think it--
i get really paranoid about why someone would say "hi" or even look at me. i think i have a scowl on all the time.
i realized this last week when i was at the library...

since november i have really avoided going outside...i am in college and i've not been to school in 2 weeks...

mostly i only leave if i have to go to the store. i live alone and NEVER have company...ever.

the reason i am writing this is because i havent left the house since tuesday--i left that day ONLY to get my new medication then came home.

before that--the last time i had left the house was the previous tuesday for my intake session.

i thought at first i was just trying hard to be "in my happy zone"...my haven where i control things.

i noticed that i've become increasingly concerned about coving the windows and keeping light out (if light can come in, then someone could see in, too. i really dont want that.)

i NEVER answer my phone and get really paranoid if i get calls from numbers i dont know....i dont answer but check online with reverse phone search services to see who was calling.

and, finally, tonight really has we wondering what's going on.

after a LONG period of thinking about it, i decided i was hungry for a hamburger. i really really hesitated going out to get one (drive through ONLY of course)...but eventually i thought " you know what? you are sad and miserable. you OWE it to yourself to go get a burger...it'll be a treat."
so i went but the place was close. i decided since i was out, i'd hit walmart to buy stuff i need.

while i was there, i got really flustered and anxious to leave. i hurried very much to my car and sped home.

i had every plan to go to campus to discuss my issues with the health services, but as i drove home so fast from the store, i was like "ok, body, chill out, we're almost home--i promise not to leave again for a long time."

when i was here, i locked up the door tightly and started to relax.

i avoid turning the lights on because i dont want people outside to see the light on through the window. if i have to turn one on, i quickly do what i need then quickly shut it off.


at the store, i got really dizzy and felt lightheaded.


i dont normally have panic attacks...i think i've had just a few and all recently.


so....what the heck's going on with me?? i'm 25 and all this is new to me.

thank you all in advance. sorry for the length.