Hi everyone...I have had anxiety now for about 11 years.....It has been on and off but for the past 4-5 years it has been on. My anxiety now is a lot different from the way it was 10 years ago when it began. When it first started I was having panick attacks all the time, day or night it didn't matter. I used to be scared of EVERYTHING! including food, juice, pop, medication, pills, outside, and basically anything that went into my body that wasn't water. I stopped eating and drinking anything because I was scared of it for some reason. That was a long time ago though and my anxiety now is different from the way it was back then. I still carry some of those fears, like I still won't touch pop or anything with caffeine in it. I also won't take meds or pills (only advil) and that is in worst case scenario.
The problem that I have had that has developed a little over 2 years ago is this routine. I rarely have actual full blown panick attacks anymore but everyday I live in fear. I began this routine like I said over 2 years ago, where I have to and I mean HAVE TO be in bed by 9pm or ultimately I am doomed! Which is ridiculous and starting to take a toll on me. I am only 26 years old and my friends and family don't understand what I am going through. They sometimes poke fun or get mad because I can't do a lot of things with them because I have to be home by 7 or 8pm to go to bed at 9. I continued this routine this whole time and it gets me through the day so that I dont have a panick attack. I feel like I am a prisoner of the time. During the day I am so grateful because I am 100% free of anxiety. Like absolutely NOTHING! but once it starts to get dark out that's when it all hits and I start to get scared.
The reason it has been hitting me so hard lately is because I was able to ignore this for over 2 years. I was able to just succumb to my anxiety and follow its rules so that I can avoid having a panick attack. Now I can't ignore it anymore. I have no choice but to deal with it. I recently applied for a job that I really wanted! I knew it was evening shifts but I told myself, I really want this job! and if it means I have to deal with my night time thing then I guess I have to. I ended up getting the job.......my shifts rotate...every 2 weeks im on days...8am -4pm which my first two weeks I did, but I just started my night shift from 4pm-midnight. I started it last week. Today is actually my 4th midnight shift. I've done really well my first 3 evening shifts. I didnt actually panick and the world DIDN'T come to an end like I thought it would. I've done actually a lot better then I thought, but I still struggle with my anxiety. I still get that scared feeling in my stomach and I still get sad and depressed about being anxious. I guess that's why I'm on here...it always helps to talk to someone. I just found this anxiety forum and I think its great because not one person I know has the same problem as me. I feel so alone sometimes and nobody seems to understand whats going on in my head. They just think im silly for having this anxiety and always say " it's just in your head" like hellooooooooooooo CLEARLY it's in my head! but it's not that easy to deal with this anxiety. I've had it for eleven years now and I just get so sick of it. I have never been the type of person to play the victim and I've actually always been greatful for the life I got although some might think it was a struggle right from the get go, but yea now that I've had my anxiety for so long I get so sick of it....and now am thinking..........WHY ME!!!! Anyways thanks for listening.....I really just would like someone to talk to...thanks