I really have a problem about how people view me. One reason may be that I'm gay, but that hardly makes me uncomfortable. What really gets me is just how I'm viewed personality-wise. Example:
I don't have much money, but my roommates have always let me drink anyway. Recently, though, a few things happened that made me feel really uncomfortable:
1. I was asked to throw down money for beer and I could only produce a dollar in change. My roommate then said, "What is this? We just won't have a party this week, it's cool." = humiliation
2. I hadn't paid for beer at all, but thought my roommate wouldn't mind if I made a Kahlua, as he was making one for another roommate right across from me. When I tried to do it, he took it from me and told me that I shouldn't try to do that before asking, and especially if I hadn't ever paid for beer before. In that situation, I felt so awkward around him that I felt afraid to ask, and felt I'd feel even more humiliated for asking. Afterwards, I went in my room and didn't come down for the rest of the day, charting out bad aspects of my personality and how to stop being a moocher, after much research.
I constantly feel like I'm causing everyone around me to feel uncomfortable, and I feel awkward around other people. I want to be my roommates' friends, but I feel like they talk about me secretly behind my back.
I constantly have this feeling that people always perceive me as less-than or just annoying or unpleasant to be around, even though they invite me down to beer pong, etc. despite my lack of money—I feel that they're doing it to discreetly humiliate me even more, in order to make fun of me later when they're by themselves.
I'm really worried about myself. I don't feel like I want to do anything violent or harmful, etc. to them or myself, but I just have this constant feeling, in addition to worry, fear, inhibition and just general awkwardness and indecisiveness about even the smallest physical movements (note, I've been off of Xanax for 2 months, for inability/inhibition to find a psychiatrist).
What to do? Is this social anxiety or schizophrenia?