exactly one year ago i was fine..could go outside whatever. One day at school waiting for the bus im just standin there out of knowhere WOW what the hell!???i start freaking out and asking for help from my friend?welll what do u want me to do?i dunno somthing! anything!. so he gives me his phone i phone home about 30 times no answer. I phone my parents no answer. so on the bus ride home i sat there crying my eyes out in such pain and breathing so loudly the whole bus was silent just listening to me. I sat on the floor of the bus cause i dunno why, it seemed to help a bit. So after that day i quit school and never have gone back since. Since then ive been too doctor after doctor and given useless medications cause they thought what i had was depression for some reason. So we went to the hospital after about 4 months of me not getting significant help and they say i think u have agorophobia but i dont think they took me very seriously because i wasnt freaking out so to speak when they were seeing me i dunno but i felt safe in the hospital cause if something happened to me this was the place to be.So they said theres not much i can do but u must see a phsyciatrist so i said thats fine but guess what...its about an 8 month wait here. so about 4 months into me being sick i say well i cant wait any longer my life has gone to shit. so i did about every single drug on the face of the earth pot,shrooms,LSD,heroin,meth,ecstacy 2c-i all those other pills..u name it ive done it. A few seemed to help but i figured if i were to do this ALL the time id still not be able to function so i continue goin to the doctors watching all my friends stop giving a damn and the girl that i absolutly loved and loved me saw that there was no future with me and left and i absolutly cannot blame her at all im a loser. so i go to a doctor one day and say do u think i could try xanax?i was immediatly kicked out cause all he sees is a 16 year old kid wanting to get high. so i see another one and tell him of all my drug use cause i wanna be honest and he says im not gonna lie the chances of u getting a drug like xanax and valium is really low since u might abuse them i say o fucking just great.so what i wanna know is what the hell am i gonna do ..i mean ive been clean for a long time but they dont care its the fact that i DID them that they care about. so i guess the ONLY option i have is to find a drug dealer who will sell me xanax the only thing thats bad about that is that if for some reason i cant get anymore? the withdrawls have a really high chance of actually killing me so ive heard. so i guess i have to wait a long ass time to see my phsyciatrist and just watch as my life detriorates even more down to about 2 friends and dont u worry i can bet theyll be gone before i see the phsyc. The chances of me killing myself are pretty high ive got no reason to live considering the phyc prolly wont even perscribe me anything so 100% i will be dead in a few months if i recieve no treatment because life is unbearable the way i live right now and im heavily considering suicide. why havnt i done it?cause i fear if i fail at dying i will be put in a mental assilum and stuck in a tiny room to rot forever (gee kinda sounds like i am right now) so the only way i see that i would for sher go through with it is if i could get my hands on a gun wich i couldnt buy because i dont have a job or have ny friends. If i had to describe what i feel is the SECOND somone even MENTIONS leaving it starts. severe pain from my muscles because the start locking up and it feels like there flexing and unflexing at about 100 times per second and i cant move. I go from hyperventalating to not breathing at all and people have to remind me to breath, i also feel like im going to shit myself but never have,i start to sweat get confused feel the wost fear of my life. in order for me to even get to the doctor i must be drugged. but they wont see me if i am on drugs so what the hell am i suppose to do ? i literally cannot do a single thing. I cant kill myself i cant do anything and noone wil help me. everyday i cry because i am so deppressed all the time. So the way i see it by trying to do drugs i fucked myself over and will never be helped and the reason why i did drugs is because i wasnt receiving any help. I know im trying to sound sorry for myself but theres really nothing i can do noone to talk to i miss all my friends and i hate that my parents think im bullshitting them noone believes that im ACTUALLY sick yet when im stiff because im in such pain hyperventalating they say stop overexadurating. I kno theres probably many of you in the same boat i want to know how u manage with this? because if this phsyciatrist doesnt pull through and help me then nothing will and i guess im just spose to stay at home and alone for the rest of my life. Sorry for the huge story please respond im starting to have anxiety attacks at home because i fear that i will not get help.