~ PONDER : Back On The Perch - Sometimes Raw, Sometimes Not. "b^.^d"

[Ponder]

Here is another shot with my ride. It took a bit of patients getting this setup just right for me. I love the really large and soft seat combined with a suspension seat post. Installing those two items has really made the ride a LOT smooth my overweight body. I've put on a lot of weight these days but once again no longer fine with it all as I now just focus on balance my in and out time with regards to staying mostly at home these days.

This setup is so much more comfy. I also go out more without the need for a pack when just doing short trips as I have added 3 bags. One trunk bag on the rear with two smaller ones on the upper tube and the triangle bag above my bottle. I feel quite free and easy just taking in the breeze as I go much slower these days. I also upgraded my helmet to one that gives better coverage, ventilation and most importantly to me a much longer visor so that now I do not have to ware a hat underneath.

Photo continued from previous page:


Not much else to report. Now I have been out twice today on two shot trips just to get the ingredients for a better sleep. I had a good session with the visiting therapist. I've got a bit of home work to do with respect to redefining my supports. Right now though I think I will kick back in my recliner and search for something that might be worth watching.

I'll share later if I find anything.

[Ponder]

Whilst I am still missing a smart TV and an air purifier I'm pretty chuffed about the changed I have made. This was my room before. The best addition to it up to that point was the portable air-conditioned:

The perspective in this photo is very stretched as the folding table I am using for m computer is only 4 foot. In this image it looks more like 6 foot. My room dimensions are actually as follows:

Bedroom Living Space *discounting inbuilt wardrobe and walk in Entrance* = W 2.65m X L 3.75m (2.4m high) [equates to 9.92 Square Meters & 23.85 m3 Meters Cubed]
Walking Entrance *adjacent Inbuilt Wardrobe* = W 0.85mX 1.2m (2.4m High) [equates to 1.02 Square Meters & 2.45 m3 cubed]
Total air space for ventilation, air-conditioning and air purification = 26.3 m3 cubed.

Info overload I know but since I am now back in here using this space as I do ... I'll be referring and thinking out loud on my projects once again. I am 100% aiming to bunker down in style. I should have my air purifier by next month. That said there has already been a massive improvement since getting my air con. In this image I think I was boosting the room down to 22 where I usually then put it back on 25 or 24. Now that it's much cooler weather I find 26 to 25 is comfortable but admit sometimes when stressed I'll sit it around 24 overnight during overcast warmer and humid nights. I spent quite a bit on that unit as having a little more power than you need for one's sized room means it's a lot quieter and more efficient.





So here we go with the new changes ... I'll start with the entrance. There is a walk in section that runs adjacent to the built in wardrobe. It's 4 foot in length and 85cm wide:
The 1st thing to note is the spectrum of color. Much more relaxing. I'll touch on that in a minute but for now I talk about the folding bamboo entrance rack that I put together today.



As we close the 1st 4 foot distance into the room this is where I have my grab and go stuff. What I am trying to do is set my room up like a live in house. It's made it so much easier for me as I am always searching for my wallet, glasses, helmet, bag, umbrella and so on. The unit is also good because it wraps around a set of draws that store more stuff for me. I'm using a bit of white board to hide the cords of my computer on the other side as well as help me see my things as I often cant see black on black like my wallet, earbuds and other things.



Bellow ... Next we turn right which is the walk in along side the inbuilt wardrobe where I store a lot of stuff that I need to get rid off. The only two places I have clutter at the moment in on those small wooden shelves I made in woodwork some 40 years ago in high school as well on my dresser draws which you'll see in a moment. I've done well with my washing as well. I hope I can keep this newly adapted routine up.

The thing I note here as I turn into my room I am now walking on less the 10 square meters with which I have to work with. I am aiming to have my computer table space with a separate lounge space and eventually something like a 40inch smart TV. That will come much later. I did manage though to get a floor lamp + another desk top lamp which you'll see in the next pic. I also got a small low laying material recliner which I have always wanted. I am so sick of oversized recliner because I don't always like to lay back or put my feet up. It's not healthy to do that for hours on end. That's another story but I've learned quite a bit about that as an avid walker thinking specific with the calf muscle and gravity kind of thing. It is very important to sit up straight more than lounging back. The advent of over sized recliners has put a massive dint in that for people that are not so aware. The new recliner I have is almost perfect - I just us crochet blanket to make up the difference.

Bellow - thus far the best layout for around 8 square meters not counting the last walkway I created which takes up part of the 10:





Continued on other page _4 image limit

[Ponder]

This is much better than what I had before. The recliner is far enough from the wall that if I want I can push it back to the first reclining posting that pops out the foot rest which is enough for me. Is good enough to sleep like that as well. The thing is so light that I can always move it further forward is I really wish to lay all the way back but since I am right next to my bed I'd just use that instead. Today I also cut the lace curtains to size with the help of my wife. I do not like the owners vertical blinds. To much maintenance and I don't like the limits with how the light is reflected. I can do more re light with the lace curtains. With regards to lighting I'll be getting inline dimmers and playing around with more styles of directional lights as well. Smart bulbs and all that. I've got more furniture to get in the way of thin side tables with draws - another wall hanging/pic.

Re the air con if you look close enough behind it you will see a sandy colored towel I used to cover the vent. Those vents on portable aircons can get pretty warm/hot so insulating them with a towel helps to stop heat radiating back into the room. The 2700 K spectrum of light really helps that sandy color towel blend in well. Color scheming in the room will take much longer for me to work out. Right now I am just focusing on keep the room cool - having a good layout that is not too cluttered. Speaking of which you can not see the clutter on my dresser draws. All that will be gone very soon and the will be the spot for my air filter. The air purifier will also deal with odors coming from myself, clothes, linen and furniture as well as when I eat at my computer table + deal with all the fine particles. I actually suffer with a stripped throats so can't wait to see how that improves. Being a mouth breath sucks but that's all about to change.

The perspective in the bellow shot is what I call fair ... that is about bang on 3 meters from the bed wall to the end of aircon with another 85cm to then inbuilt wardrobe. I played chess with my grandson today as he sat on my bed I move the chess table to the other side. The way I have set my room up is like he comes to visit me in my own house. It is the same with his mum in her own room on the other side of the actual house. She has the master bedroom because we want her to feel comfortable and stay as long as she wants. The way rents our now many families are now living together much longer. We pay close to $500au a week and don't think we could afford this size house without our daughter at any rate. She seems very much more stable since we have this arrangement as well. She is on the same program as me but with a different plan but similar supports


I got to say I can't wait till I get a bigger screen ... Next Pic now:


A 40 inch smart TV would be the sweet spot for the space. As for perspective between the recliner and screen in this spot ... it's not a good representation but will do. The rug which also just arrived today is 1.2 meters between chair and screen and 1.6 meters between bed and computer table. The next image shows a better perspective re distance between the 3 major points in this little area I have made up.

If you have made it this far then you might appreciate the HEAD SPACE I am attempting to create here for my mental health. I think I already said in another post but I kind of lost my much needed space when our grandson came to live fulltime with us. I ended up full time in my room as my loungeroom recliner what the 1st to go. Laughs out loud. I pretty much just gave it to the little munchkin when he first arrived without knowing he had the same attachment issues as I. hahaha - next was the TV and what was on it ... Sigh ... I really got to chuckle because I know many probably can't comprehend it. I'll just put it down to three autistic generations living under the same roof. Like it took me a number of years to work out what I have now re my room but it's really a good solution all round.

My own issues during that phase we way way too much fixation and directed focus on one screen without breaking away to another point. I was not getting enough redirection and given my own traits re fixation it has very much derailed my otherwise inclination to regulate between my Bed, PC & TV with breaks outside in-between. I mean just like moving from one screen about 40 cms away to taking just a few steps to a more comfortable chair much further away from another screen - granted it is still a screen lol - but its the redirections and movement I was not getting before coupled in a very small room closed up without any air con in the middle of the Australian Heat ... I was pretty suffocating to be sure.



A better perspective look back my much smaller PC setup. The small form factor OptiPlex being my smaller desk lamp with cool white light. The higher end Laptop is still on its way. It was like a month minimum waiting time on that one. I can't say how much I feel I made the right call changing it all up like I have. It really does feel like my own house which makes the codependency issues so much more barrable when contemplating what my future will look like. Like that is a ways off before I have to consider that - at least another 10 years to be sure - BUT - I am doing this also in case any shit hits the fan. I also feel it makes others who rely on my rent less prone to prod me when tensions rises because I am genuinely setting up a base that can be easily moved in one car and trailer load. Just what is in my room and my bicycle in the shed is all. I will care not for my plants if it comes to that. I will only ever be able to afford a room sadly in the far future going by todays insane price hikes. That kind of does worry me because I can't fathom having to live with others every again. I mostly only did that with either rehab centers, homeless shelters, youth detentions centers and or a couple of prison cells. Alas I will prep in a way that will make my stay where ever more barrable.



Again all a long way off ... but for now though ... other than popping out for a quick spin under the sun to a place like where I showed my ride in the previous posts - I just want to stay home in my room and do so very content to let the world slip by doing it's own thing. I smile to think of how the new rug is like grass under my feet. Out of 30 so homes we have rented in the past, none have come close to having a soft lawn like my rug now provides for me feet. I don't care how lonely and isolated it feels ... in fact it is mostly only when online taking in other peoples opinions and telling's that I feel more that way ... less when I come into a space of my own where I am not afraid to be myself. Huge difference and the truth is none of those main stream forums let me be who I really be.

Next pic is a bit harsh on the light in comparison to the others but it does show off my new rug quite well ... the perspective not as good as the others but good enough to say that this is the best ever prison cell I have ever had the privilege to live in. When I do go out, I do so now being thankful for what I got. Ditching that $10,000 + Paper weight was very liberating. That payout never sat well with me and I kind of knew I would sell eventually. Nothing lasts for ever but seeing how people fight and strive for more and more just makes me sick. Is hard to pinpoint what I am thinking now about all that ... we humans living in this world the way it and we be are selfish peoples indeed. Like more, more and more. I should not of spent what I spent on my laptop - I still fell into that trap wanting to have just that bit more. Nevertheless I sense I am on a more improved path with what is going to eventually come and in many ways I yearn for it to come quick. I do think of my grand son though and my other children - but I don't know ... I really am done chasing carrots on a stick ... even with these consumer programs for the so called less able. I've written how that in itself has made me feel worse but the world is not changing for the better ... I see it like many others continuing on its current path and to attempt a frank discussion on it in other forums is when those safety police come on out. Sigh ...

All good though ... whilst I know my rug will not always feel as orgasmic as it does today when first unwrapping it - I'll do what I can to make the most of it.



It's late now but screw it - think I will nod off in my new recliner watching something or others before then taking the long trip to my bed. haha.

This was a good write ... I enjoyed very much. Less than six months from now I'll update the room with perhaps more matching furniture but most likely same layout.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

- Good Morning -
Nice gentle breeze this morning - I'll be tending my plants today:

​

I've actually got a bit of work to do on the other side of the window. My potted garden has really improved over the last year or so. I'll update those images once I've spent the better part of the day tending those. I have enough plants so that the air that comes in carries with it some extra freshness. Right now with my bedroom door open and the celling fan on low there is a fresh gentle breeze ventilating through. This makes me now think I would enjoy having an environmental readout I could put on my wall. That really is what my new project is all about.

I've always talked about making a blog or page on all this aspects to health Vs the industry I have often contrasted such with but for whatever reason always get side track. I guess it's liken to all the yelling and screaming in this forum of late with snippets of sanity that seeks to explain. Such makes me grateful that I have mostly been through all that. I still struggle but for the most part can now see the better side of me is worth tending to like my plants. The tougher of my friends that did not let me go as I started softening up I eventually broke ties. Bit like the forum tools with the ignore feature I guess. That's when I started pruning my own tree and got to say it was for the best. Just like in places like these, they too were trolling me. I think it's a universal thing that takes time to work out is all. So glad I found something of worth in me when breaking ties although when I reflect on it much of that worth in me is what made these would be friends turn like so. This is the fallacy of success and what little it brings.

Having already alluded to preparing for my future with living arrangements in mind and doing what I can to minimize any kind of transition I guess for now I am making the most of how I term what is. Such phrases always seem to more more disempowering Vs accepting. What is is what I choose to make it not how it is that others would have me see it. Of course such discerning takes shape on a personal level where in a world full of deception it's easy to loose sight of what personally matters within. Again the language fails where the person in personally, is twisted and manipulated by a system that looks to complicate it and this is why I no longer wish to be a part of it.

Yet I can't deny the synergy of connection and how that ties into healing. Thinking in such terms of gardening and nature kind of simplifies it all for me. Our language and the quest to complicate it with current programming doing no more to inspire desire which just ends up with ongoing tensions. I'll certainly never get a grip on main stream mental health narratives as it's just as full of the same conflicting ideology to that which it aims to intergrade affected individuals into. In this sense it really is all part and parcel to the same machine.

I smile to think how here in my room that during the latest session I had with the visiting psychologist, how nicely he put it by claiming that my latest room project is like me drawing a line in the sand.

He understands me very well. He comes from Fiji also has traits of ASD and ADHD. The latter something he tunes into exceptionally well. I've now been seeing him for well over two years now and with much more regularity to any of the previous two which where divided across eight years. Whilst the other psychologists (one clinical the other registered) are exceptional in their own way, I'm hoping this lasted fellow continues with his studies to get his PHDs. He sees my daughter as well and has an interest in the family as a whole. Sadly this aspect is not enabled as much as it should be. From my experience the degradation of community services very much comes down into the division and privacy polices that plays into controlling measures since the implementation of regional politics as outlined by the United Nations. There is no con in this theory. It's not a theory. It's actually fact for anyone of us who has cared to look beyond the marketing regardless of what side of the fence one takes a view.

At any rate ... I never stand in one camp or beleive anything other than seeing the world change around me and gauging how National, State and Local Policies dictate community services as someone that's been reliant on them his whole life. Whilst my view as someone more or less labeled as byproduct will undoubted have different insights to someone educated and employed to handle the labels and others still, that tend to varioius dynamics more akin to the buffering within a system that we know as governance. Regardless of the difference in ideology and or experiential conditioning, many of us with different world views are actually now seeing and experiencing the same thing.

Yet, the apparent inability to convey as much in any meaningful way that makes positive changes on the lower levels is buffered as it is designed to be via a well designed complex language by those in power intended it to be. Everyone wants a PHD but even those have limits in such a system as it be. From a service point of view it can help to get your head around such things as it makes for good conversation with therapists who also have to struggle with such constraints. The warranting we go through from a client perspective is also very much the same for them when delegating or prescribing whatever measures. Such understandings also make acknowledgements for those in whatever varying degrees and segments more able to buffer the buffer so to speak. lol ... I am just getting tiered of it all and yes ... most certainly drawing a line in the sand.

So it is that the help we seek is more important that we get genuine people regardless of the complexity and constraints. If your interested in keeping your head above water in this sector of the community you need people that are willing to do the work rather than fall victim themselves to complacency which just sees both client and workers being churned up in the machine.

Speaking of such I have been requested to forward a wall of text that better defines and will assist the nature of my supports. It can be such a drain as I say but I understand the need at this point given all of the above and each time I do I know it just adds to my case. The reality in that though is knowing the pit falls of over-identification that I have not really extrapolated despite repeating the notion; to any meaningful degree.

My struggle is navigating that damn regional control aspect that's is making every aspect of living life a *contractual mutual obligation* with little regard for the avalanche of conflicts when it comes to treating people as humans. On this level people are literally becoming drones programmed by bots. For now I press enter and think about my next approach when dabbling in my own programming. I just caught the therapist on the way out the door after visiting another room. I got some good ideas off him which I'll outline in my next post.

First I go for a ride on my bike - check in at the spot I previously shared - come back and then start an outline that plays second fiddle to the symptoms so often exploited re *mental illness* but highlight the primary nature of what makes me - me - something often misunderstood and or interpreted in that label ASD. The conflict is that the latter is not appropriately recognized in the terms of said *contractual mutual obligations* but relies more on the calling cards aspect *mental illness* which is more used to usher people into doing what those empowered say.

Off to debrief with the ocean air and sea breeze.

[Ponder]

Unless any other sane people chime on in, I think I take a page from other peoples books and let what needs to take place. I've joined a chess club online so will chill for how ever long.

Silence is the best treatment in cases like these.

Be as well as can be.

[Kirk]

Glad to hear you are doing good.

[Kirk]

When I was young, I used to play chess and I was pretty good. Now it would be harder for me to play as I get bored very quickly.

[Ponder]

So nice to see you Kirk. Thank you for popping in. I hope you are doing ok? Sorry about the state of the place. I started posting again trying to do good is all.

I was just getting ready to log into chess.com. I tend to go hard at one hobby at a time then switch over and go back to the other later. I've played 55 games with people over the last three days with 28 Wins - 22 losses & 5 Draws. My win rate is improving. I've had 4 wins in a row since yesterday. I started the process of studying. That has made a difference. That said my rating is only 525. I'm hoping to get my rating up to 600 by days end. Given I am only playing similar ratings as me with that only brining in like 5 - 20 points with each win and -2 to -20 (more or less) with each loss ... gaining an extra 100 definitely takes time.

It's good when we can keep our minds on something other than what keeps us down. However, not that people should be discouraged from expressing negative feelings. I mean at least when making an attempt not to damage oneself or others. Some of us struggle a lot more than others when it comes to the art of balancing is all.

I would like to keep posting at least in this little space despite what's been taking place in the rest.

I am struggling with the program I am on but will think more about that as I always do before digging a hole that does little to help the situation. But yes, I am making the most of what I can and don't want to impact others but instead help by keeping as stable as I can. Trying to at least change my less than positive patterns of thinking.

Thanks again for posting Kirk. I do hope that you and those you care about are doing as well as can be.

PS ~ From what I have read re your past postings and articulation, I can imagine you being good at chess.

[Ponder]

From what I have read, the ELO Chess ratings at Chess.com are a very slow progression. I did however manage to go from 530 to 600 after a good days grinding. Mission successful.

[Ponder]

Not much to report. Changed Chess Platforms as I discovered Chess.com system is different when starting out re the lower ratings. I reset account but ran into other issues so have insteaded ended up with Lichess and Chess24
I am glad one of my only local friends has returned from a month trip. He is the guy whose mother used flammable fluid to coming suicide. I don't think I was posting here at that time and or if I did can't remember bringing it up? No matter, he is doing well enough. I started doing a lot of walking and cycling with him to help him regulate during that time. In turn his company is just as good for me; when balancing the times engaged and not. Has been heavy for me taking some of that on. So many people I know that have committed suicide. Just never strops.

Anyways ... whilst I am in this fad I continue to play chess. However, I did spend 3 hours this morning cleaning fish tank and pressure hosing around my plants and the concrete outside.

Just a quick check in for now.