~ PONDER : Back On The Perch - Sometimes Raw, Sometimes Not. "b^.^d"

[Ponder]

I hope that sounds a little more in tune. For what it's worth I miss you Sal, D, Gypsy, Kirk, and all the others I sense are legitimate individuals. I'm genuinely sorry for my flaws. I kind of expressed my take on how disconnections take place but what's more important is that we harbor no ill will and always willing to reach back out. I do hope for me that, that aspect shows from time to time. I know I have seen such allowances in a each of yourselves as well but understand we all have our limits . That said, I have no expectations other than just putting that out there.

There is just so much division in the world is it any wonder relations are hard to maintain.

I'll try not to be a buzz kill but as always write from the heart with the best of intentions as best I can.
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How am I these days? DOWNSIZING & FULL TIME IN MY ROOMWell, I've downsized so much of late that I actually sold my oversized custom built water cooled pentagon PC in favor for a 15 inch laptop. (ᵒ̤̑ ₀̑ ᵒ̤̑) I just had to do it as I have become more reclusive and needed the space. I won't go into the numbers as I am prone to do but just say I was content to take the hit as I am often willing to do. That computer when put into shelving was taking up so much space in my little room. Alas it was a cool project and I did ensure I was fairly compensated with my laptop more than capable of what I generally do.

My live in bedroom is my latest project. (2.6 meters by 4ish)
I'll spare the raw details of why I am spending so much time in my room of late, but just say I am embracing my choice to do so by way of making myself as comfortable as I can possibly be. I don't know why it took me so long to realize just how important that aspect really be. I think that insight came to mind when I finally got myself a portable air conditioner to cool my room. Immediately the quality of my health started to improve. After making space (still waiting for laptop to arrive) and now using an older and much smaller OptiPlex computer I managed to source myself a small lower recliner. I arranged my 4 foot computer desk, bed and recliner in a way that allows me to fit in a smart tv. I'm still yet to purchase a smart TV but using a little 22 inch monitor for now out put from my little PC. I have a rug in the post on its way. Just the other day a floor lamp arrived with a desk top one as well. I'm just using warm white bulbs that give off yellow light each only at 400lumens. The lighting aspect I intent to delve deeply into with smart bulbs Vs dimmers and an array of spectral options to mimic at will my own circadian rhythm. Of course I still need to go outdoors but am doing so very carefully these days. But with my room it can be hard to set up as I would prefer given the restrictions when it comes to using the walls. Often those renter hooks do more damage than good. Yet I might try myself as was my wife's experience. Best I can say is that the quality of paint is was can make or break the install and uninstall of said hooks. I've been racking my brain on free standing option. lately looking of paper thin mirrors and light garment tapestries.

Another reason I want to downsize to just one room is because I think it will help with respect to codependency during times of crisis when facing the prospect of a sudden move. The turbulent time I had when organising an unplanned visit to my mums regardless of the turmoil that later took place there, when unsupported and my sister in that mix, made me think of how easily I am set upon among my own family when I react in fear no knowing where to go or being in a good position to make a transition. Now with my commuter bicycle fully decked out being the only thing of importance to me in our shed and now the focus of ensuring all I own fits comfortable into one room with all the amenities I need ... means that in the future I can at least be in a position for others to better assist with a quick move. I will never be able to afford renting my own place with how things have no gone. The homeless situation has gone insane post CV. Ensuring I can live comfortably in one room without being a drain on others is pretty much my future aim. That said I am not planning to leave as I do love my close nit family - BUT - given the dynamics in which I live, what I am doing it just empowering myself, keeping out of others ways and for the most part it seems fairly conducive over all. My daughter still has the master bedroom bless her. lol if only I could have an ensuite like that. But then no one would ever see me ... and I really don't want to go that far ... not just yet. : )

Anyways ... I talk more about my live in bedroom project later on.

So much to write about. I've been watching 80s Tv shows like MacGyver, Greatest American Hero. I think I will download Good Times as don't think its being streamed? But in general I've been getting into the phase of seeing myself as an aged person making himself as comfortable as I can watching reruns kind of thing. Does that make sense? The next item I would do well to make space for is an appropriate air filtration unit. Oh boy ... I have been having fun researching that. （ꉺᗜꉺ）... if you know me you can be sure I'll start posting pics once I think I am done. I kind of just leave my room now just for a change of scenery. My mum kind of put it to me like that and it makes a lot of sense. That's pretty much how it is. I'm so thankful my mum is still around. My heart goes out to all those who have had to go through missing their mums. Trust me when I say reconciliation is worth it but then understand in some cases it is not. Not to put a damper on things ... my and my sister fall into latter. Just saying with my mum I will miss her very much and have been very grateful about our reconnection since my loss of my brother. That is all. That's why I want to reconnect with those I think it's worth it regarding the opening of my post but remain accepting if such feeling is not mutual. All good.
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I best go out in the yard as I see some sun. Good time to stretch my legs and check my plants before coming back in.

[GrimReaper]

Shut your fucking mouth, basement dweller.

[Ponder]

Just got back from a cycle ride under the sun whilst it was low key mid morning Sunday. Feeling so much better for it. A+

Now I can fell good about spending more time resting up in my haven. I'll also go out later this evening under twilight. No rushing. I stop half way each time taking in the sea breeze.

Battling with indigestion atm but hoping these fresh bouts and less stressful mindsets not focusing on negative outbursts will do that trick. (-‿◦)

[GrimReaper]

[Ponder]

Once ignored, this is how it looks. Other than that we pay such behavior no attention. Until next post. ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)✌

[Ponder]

From an over eating perspective I did not do so bad today. It was not so much about what I ate but more about balancing my in and out of my room. I spoke with a friend over the phone, later discord and also read and replied to my mother via email. I also popped in and out to touch base with my grandson and chat briefly with my wife and daughter. I only just got back from an evening walk. Other than that I took my phone call outside in the early morning sun whilst sitting with m plants. As a result of that balancing act I am not feeling as ill in my gut tonight. I know that eating bacon nearly every morning for the last week with even the best of organs (which I do not have) very much has played into my ailing gut health. This week I'm going to correct that.


Anyways - I think I should be able to sleep well enough tonight despite having last night resorted to PRN medication. Waking up in a fog was what really spurred my on to get out later that morning on my bike. I really do not like to get rely on such meds. Alas to say I am not climbing the walls as I would if I had not take such a resort. Tomorrow I have my therapist coming to visit me where I beleive we shall have that session in my room, then I'll go out for a gentle pedal on my bike.


I'm no longer counting the days but still doing a day at a time. It's very hard to find anything of relevance when it comes to using media in any form but if I take my time I seem able to find a distraction that is not so disabling.


For those reading this over at AF know that I am trialing another place called MSF. My Support forums. However it is heavily moderated and only a few of my posts are getting through. I'll play along for now but hopefully once the drama resultant from non moderation plays down (if ever) ... You never know .... other may pop back in yet I feel the damage is done. I'll just cut and past for now but think MSF may allow me the space I need without having to get drained by those whom are doing it so much harder than I. I guess everyone needs a space; right?


I actually ate pretty good today. I think I will not have a black tea but settle for just a bit of honey and chamomile. I'll be doing really well if I can follow up first thing in the morning with freshly squeezed lemon water later followed with Oats and Prunes. The challenge is mid morning once all that has come on gone. That's when I start with a bit of fruit and salad all over again. That is the extent of my medical ramble and pretty much my starting staple when things are moving along well for me.


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One major change coming up for me is the changing nature of my supports. I think I will leave that post for the morning as will help me with an approach before my visiting therapist arrives.


For now I wind down. Thanks again for allowing the space. Edit as you must with a best wishes to you and yours.


ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Thank you for an easier day.

[Ponder]

Before signing off I may think on the following a little more. That being in response to someone using the good old choice syndrome when contrasting success with the context being about assisted suicide and why those feeling like ending their life are simply just giving up hope. I obviously see it a little different and this was my response ... I post here because I am not sure I am going to last much longer there: I may also want to add more notes that I know will not be allowed there.
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In response too an earlier post I made on the same topic:
They said: So you invalidate my success just to keep your point & to justify those who CHOOSE to give up hope....wow....so noble of you.

I said. Not at all. I was disclosing an uncomfortable truth, a dynamic that touches on those, less able, whom often do not get the same breaks as those who would use their success to dictate what choice means for others. I actually included myself as often casting a shadow when making similar claims in contrast to my own successes. It used to happen when I was attending therapy groups at a local mental health facility. I would highlight how far I had come and how I made the choices that turned my life around. I was very passionate about it but took a few steps back when a group facilitator explained that others in the group were less able to engage the way I was, nor had access to the same supports as I did. This really made me think about how I was impacting the others who maybe wish they could do the things I was, but for reasons I was not aware or did not think ... they simply could not do those things despite wishing they could. No wonder none of the seemed really interested in what I was saying.

Later on when I was not doing so well - I thought on how the episodic nature of my own diagnoses played into periods where during the more disabling stretches the choices I once advocated where no longer choices but barriers. More so, now years later how those same choices whilst accessible to others, are no longer accessible to me.

Justify is too strong a word for me but understand your choice to use it. Those are indeed choices no matter how disabled we become. Yet there are many with invisible illnesses who are harshly judged (justified as wrong) for not living up to someone else standard because of how hard they themselves strived. It's that shaming and blaming that I was attempting to allude to that shortens the life of many. I'm not justifying but more advocating for those I knew so well but did not make it. None of those people chose to give up hope. Most of them had their spirits broken at a very early age whilst in the care of those entrusted to make choices for them.

None of those poor souls chose to give up anything but instead had what little hope they had taken from them.

I once used to capitalize to make a point but no longer do. I rarely use exclamations marks either. Tone is everything. That said I could of perhaps treaded more carefully but then again I think not. The residual stigma that plays out in our ideology is so demeaning when it comes to using such terms as choice. Most people yell it like you just did. That's OK though. It kind of consolidates the illusion or more like delusion that we are all conditioned with. No. Most people do not give up hope. The insufferable pain the leads people to strong daily suicidal ideation has little to do with *give up* - *hope* but very much a case of never really having had any. We just live in a society that teaches us that if we can't repeat or do as what is told to us that then we are then choosing the suffering that then comes next. Anyone that has been on the lower rungs of overwhelmed services know this ploy well enough but those who've never really experienced it, can not possible understand or see it. Then there is the issue of how quickly people forget when obtaining the carrot on a stick.

So it is that I said their truth is their truth and yours is yours. I'm not justifying anything. But I am speaking up. That is all. Choice and I would add ... Hope ... is not always as it seems. Compassion does not cast a bright light, propose to judge, nor blame and shame. All those controlling traits we get from our daily news contrasted in delusions of choice. For me the question is not so much about the criminalization of assisting premature death, by those who do not fit the boxes, but why are there so many unable to fit and why so many of them wish they were dead. The more we bang the drum of choice you can be sure the longer the list regarding such a death wish.

... and that's exactly when the penny dropped and I no longer spouted where I had come from, nor advertised my great success when going back to those weekly meetings. As a result I made more friends and just learned to accept where people were at and in the end ... we were all so much better off.

[Ponder]

Another said: I don’t see how those who are successful in overcoming their obstacles are denying others their choices. If someone is sharing their success, it’s not taking away from those who weren’t as successful.

I said: It's not as simple as that. *World View* is a term that I heard repeatedly back in 2014 within mental health circles in off line facilities where those that don't fit regularly meet. Each persons World View is considered key to how each of us sees ourselves and others. Not to discount those whom find themselves in a random crisis situation, most people who wish to end their lives without having any terminal illness are imo without a doubt chronic and complex cases. Clinical, long term, life long cases if you will. The extent of depression embedded over the years in those peoples lives have it that they do not see they same as others see and what they see, you will no doubt also not see.

It mattered little back then, when I was the mental health leading advocate (toot toot) for the local region, that no matter how I skirted the sensitivities of others when sharing such achievements on how I reached whatever pinnacles, that like you say now, I also did not see how the sharing of my success and what I did to overcome whatever obstacles was denying others their choices. I already outlined how indeed that was what I was doing in my last post but I understand that not everyone will see my this point I present because of the blinkers that all too often come with what we are taught is success.


I'm not saying people should not share their successes whatsoever. There is a time and place for that. Like in this forum's sub sections that entitles a space for sharing those great things. For me, my shared story in here shows more how I was so caught up in my ego. How I was repeating myself far to often not caring for the timing of when or even how I was attempting to share. All that thriving and striving to overcome obstacles carries with it a lot of momentum. The higher the challenge the more momentum it takes to clear those obstacles. Thus all that moment tends to leave us pent up with thriving and striving now relying on continually affirming ourselves and showing off our new found exterior, status and the skills that had us win. Of course, that's great story for that individual and it sells well to be sure; when it the right genre. I and others will applauded. Netflix is full of such great stories.


The context I am now sharing is that people are so caught up in their own glory that they begin to develop new issues where the become blinded to the plight of others. Such great hero's more often than not do not see the spaces they are take up nor shadows they cast. Those uncomfortable truths are not popular enough for the final script. Those be far and few between where some of us are continually flicking with the remote an a quest to find something more real.


Another thing that I now consider in your reply ... and I'll make this one short + already covered it in my earlier reply which I appreciate was TLDR; as well as for the reasons I just outlined in that above. Who of us has the so called right (insight) to define what somebody else's choice is or is not? We can not hope to know or reason another's life time of experience's against a back drop of our own, especially when highlighting our own success and then brining *Choice* into the mix when talking about the vulnerability of others at such a point as contemplating assisted suicided.


So it is that from that perspective, I can say sure, yea, we do in many ways deny people point blank for how we dare to even bring choices up and further more to know what theirs is. To do so at such a point of vulnerability is purely egocentric on our part. Those choices then presented like so are nothing but hoops held by our successes which are far better taken out of such a discussion and put into the feel good genre some place else ... lest we enjoy denying people like so. All that being just another complex we winners face having so artfully overcome our hero's journey.


Choice & Success will only enflame in a topic on Euthanasia. Especially when claiming that these venerable people at such a stage in their life; are just ... *giving up hope.*


Sure share your success stories, but that's not what my posts in here are really about. They go much deeper than that and allow for that which such care less remarks do not. Rather than react in the same tone a was expressed I thought it more productive to share a little more context from my perspective.


No Drama ... although chuckles to think how the stories on our displays often dictate what we think. More like laughs our loud. Please excuse my sense of humor. Reminds me of Spock in the new Star Trek series Strange New Worlds, where at the end of the second Ep everyone is like WTF when Spocks' laughter comes over the mic after just having navigated some life threatening adversity. Sometimes these thread in mental health forums can be a bit like that. In terms of trying not to offend.


I'll back out now as fear I have already taken up too much space myself in my attempt to clarify just how we do indeed deny others when mindlessly sharing. That said, thanks for your reply and all the best with your endeavors. Just be careful where and how you share them. ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)✌

[Ponder]

Contemplating the conflicting nature of human interactions within controlled environments with a propensity to isolate those who think differently. In such places there is a lack of space for diaries and journals. So it is in which category I am in conflict with deciding and when adding to that, today's insight as just now conveyed - I think notion of expressing as one, more or less feels as none other than pissing in the wind. Just go to find out which way that wind is blowing and then let it all out. Laughs out loud.


Well said my boy. Where to from here? ... Still processing on that one. Is venturing out of self made spaces a waste of time? Too many boxes and too many hats non of which know a damn thing ... not could ever hope to contain the likes of me.


Time to reinvent and effortlessly continue sliding against the grain.


Concedes this space was a mistake and moves on to find something that's actually more free Vs safe and secure. Just like choices, controlled measures are but illusions and delusions propagated to benefit another's ideals rather than the deception of one's own choice and control. Now I can really open up re those supports and captain my own ship knowing very well how to exploit those who think they are in control. Adios interns and would be PHDs.
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No wonder I end up back in this space[UKAF] but it really is amazing how much better I do when no longer moderated. I only wish I could same the same for others. hahaha - lol ... I really needed that. All good ... I am sure one day you too will hit rock bottom and improve upon those graphics.

[Ponder]

Getting some afternoon sun. I often enjoy just pulling up and soaking in the sun. I have slowed down a lot these days and quite content to do so.