~ PONDER : Back On The Perch - Sometimes Raw, Sometimes Not. "b^.^d"

[Ponder]

Todays Background Music → Positive JAZZ - Morning Music To Start The Day ←

Highlights for today: Fortnightly Therapist Home Visit and meeting new prospective support person. I've put off opening up about it because it's been a very sensitive subject for me. The build up to the change over highlights quite well my struggle with the government program I am currently on. I try not to talk about things so personally anymore because of the ego trap that Eckhart talk about quite a lot. Yet at the same time I think it's more a case of writing from a place that's not so entrapped.

Basically I had to eventually terminated support based on community stigma combined with my previous support person's decline in health impacting the nature of my supports. These latter issue was more leading more to the former. Stigma is such a tricky topic to touch on. I've known and been engaging with my previous support since 2014. As you get older you begin to appreciate not burning through bridges. I regarded that support as a friend and kept him on longer than I should of given how his own problems were impacting mine. I knew he was struggling financially as he often talked about those struggles to which I fully appreciate and he also had family that he was supporting. I had made working with me so easy that I in the end I was more supporting him than he I. Is all good ... I liked the guy and we got along well all things considered. The problem was that as his condition worsened, his professionalism or skill when supporting me dramatically also declined.

All my conditions for the most part could be termed *Invisible* although not entirely as depending on the environment and circumstances it becomes clear that I struggle to engage. I'm actually very accepting of these difficulties and it only really becomes an issue when others have trouble conducting themselves when dealing with me. Of course some people are more tolerant than others.

Being supported as someone who so obviously can articulate in this space as I do now, but then disabled in another space no seen by those reading or being unable in the eyes of supporters when out and about to then being seen more able in my own space can create all kinds of doubt. Those more privy to my records and trained in whatever way, will be afford me the required space - BUT - those in the community who are still not farmiliar with the concept of people with invisible impairments generally do not have the awareness and in other cases do not care at all for people whom struggle to complete forms, get through the line as quick as others, not hear properly, not understand basic signs or directions and so on and on.

Here's the thing for me and others similar to me that I have queried (a few likeminded peers locally) ... Having a person along your side for moral support can do wonders in helping us to engage on our own, and do so in a way that is less troubling for others waiting. I mean let's face it we do live in a rush rush world and half our problems would not exist if not for nature in which we live. In some ways I am kind of in the middle of someone in a wheel chair whose image is seemingly more accepted where some people might even rush to a door and open it for them to that of an old person subject to all manner of gossip at the back of the line because the poor old fart just can't seem to get a grip with how much money they have, what card they are scanning or what buttons to push.

Me - I'm the guy in his 50s struggling like the old person for a number of reasons to long to list. That said I do feel it's helpful to try. Mindfully so though. The insanity comes when I am unable to convey and people treat me as poorly as the do old people which when I see that also happening just creates more conflict and thus unable. My involuntary behavioral patterns linked to hyper sensory perception as that be to autistic spectral disorder overlapped with hypervigilance as that relates to chronic complex PTSD, not excluding ADHD with all that obviously explaining well my social phobia ... although I'm not embarrassed as nearly as much as the latter implies ... make it extremely difficult for me to participate in a world with so many expectations and directives. What I have expressed here has nothing to do with bad behavior. Unfortunately most people in the community operating on the level of consumption do not understand people affected like so. Understanding why this is so can be helpful but does not really change anything. Actually such insights can be depressing when allowing ourselves to give to all that negative energy. Thankfully this does not always have to be the case.

Many times I have actually questioned the program I am on. The nature of permanence undermined by the continual process of warranting, the supporting evidence as based by whatever, it just goes on and on. This being one dynamic separate to the stigma we all face from day to day no matter our claims or so called identities.

So with all that context out of the way in what I hope was not a rant but just simply the most objective way I could convey my perception - that as my ailing support person himself became less able and we were no longer engaging whilst out and about, I started looking more disabled and my support person looking more like a shadow. (This is one for the text book) As a result people started treated us accordingly. Even during times I would attempt to engage, at say that check out of a store, the staff would look straight past me where my support worker would then take over. Such is a very disabling moment for the client and most support workers will appropriately redirect. People are people ... some in the community are not comfortable dealing with disabled people and even less with those they think is nothing wrong with. Stigma, mains stream media and social media all play a large part to that. Work ethics, Ideology and so on. At any rate - to avoid such bias rife in the community most clients with invisible disorders tend to recoil from having community supports in such public interaction. So it has been for my peers I mentioned earlier. I am one of the few I know that actually utilizes that side of support.

Anyways ... to finish off with our parting ways - It was after airing my concerns many times to my support person that I feel uncomfortable when people ignore me when I am out and about engaging on matters that pertain to me. That they should be dealing with me and not my support person. I tried to explain that I understood how some people might be put off with my demeanor as I have a hard waring face, not the fanciest clothes, need a shave or whatever but still pressed the point that it should be me that they are directing attention too. Now that said, I understand that it's not easy for support persons as the mood of client and presentation re above, can indeed affect interactions on both sides all sides of the fence. All the more reason client and support persons be well matched. I'm glad to say I've done well on my side of the fence compare to days of old. Yet the stigma has driven me into the ground in the way people just ignore me since my support person stop engaging with me when out and about. Instead they did all the engaging in a way that made the job easier for themselves.

The last straw was when a food doctor asked me if I could read after having just listed my diagnoses. Basically he wanted to do hand deliver something that he could simply have his secretary scan and email. It was pretty clear I was well read. What was more the issue was explaining the nature of how I had struggled with keeping the appointment times and that the reason I had a support coordinator (separate position to community a support person) assist with the paper work was because I needed help with that side of things. I suggest in this case given the nature of my billing and support that it would be better if his secretary simply scan and email it.

It was at this point the doctor started using my support person as a means to ignore and isolate me. I think that line sums up what many in my position know so well when it comes to such bullying. Suffice to say after keeping my cool, I did make a few emails of my own. I terminated the service agreement with that health dept. I also terminated the service agreement with my the long time support person. I was as gentle as I could be explaining similar to above. I also terminated the Support Coordinator as they had been very clinical in their dealings with me and not truly understood the struggles I have been having with the process/es of being supported on said government program. It's all be very dehumanizing where I question very much if it's worth being on. It's a tough call because when you do manage to get people that understand, work towards, know how to redirect, engage, and all that kind of thing, the concept of help can work.

OK - That's kind of why I am meeting with a new prospective support worker, have a seemingly pretty cool new support coordinator and so on. Meeting with my therapist is just how I like to do it these days. I hope some of this came out alright as I am not trying to make up a new story or anything ... just trying to work out my next moves without dragging other people down. It's all about trying to make the system work to one as best they can.

I finish this up as I can literally sense my therapist at the door.

Back Soon enough ... Srry but no time for edits at this stage. All good.

[Ponder]

Still on course. Headaches not quite so bad yet. Perhaps too many distractions and drinking more water than last time is helping more this time around.

Will save the days summery on my game plan for the next four moths or so for tomorrows post if at all.

Just glad I'm trying to get back on the horse yet again regardless of the fact it's all I seem to be doing these last four years.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Here's to day 3 of clean eating. Going to have to make a trip to the store.

[Ponder]

Today is a bit of a struggle so will keep it short. I said yes to community support yesterday, then climbed the walls last night, then emailed this morning to call it off. I think my previous post explains enough as to why I still struggle with that. I don't want to get into a negative pattern of thinking but simply regain some sense of willingness towards what used to matter to me which is very different to today's regional programs. Whilst I know many places across the world suffer in different degrees and that there are many finger pointers among us whom love to compare different systems - that fact is that today's communities across the world are adopting similar practices that disempower what used to be more accessible without the need for contractual agreements. Every aspect of human life is now big business. I talk from a sector that thrives on sick and broken people.

It's time I started reclaiming some of my own power and take more steps towards that disconnection I have so often talked about. It will be interesting to see how my NO to community integration impacts my other supports. The industry where I am is very much more focused on service and job creation where it uses people like consumer products where the economics and ongoing services are more important than the mission statements. I don't see that as negative but just my reality and I have had enough of OTs, Doctors, Assessments and the like ... all the ongoing warranting that aims for affected peoples to focus on their worst days in order to obtain ... this or that carrot. Often these carrots I never even thought off until some worker or service sells the idea to me. Example ... "Dave did you know .... but we need to get an OT and perhaps a doctor or therapist ...

Long story short such programming is more disabling than lived experience. Just keeps you focused on negative aspects.

The impact of the marketing element perhaps people with physical disabilities are less effected with compared to those with the invisible disabilities. The latter are most certainly impacted negatively, at least those considered higher functioning. Yet that comparison kind of fails as I know one or two people in the physical category who also feel just as pressured when it comes to being consumed and consuming.

Anyways - it will be interesting to see how my program planners respond at my next review. I really am done with being paraded and nursed about in public. Like support is great but no so when spawn from said system in such a way and also from what I am seeing the public is way to unstable all round and not as accepting as success stories would otherwise advocate. All those images and testimonies are extremely plastic as best.

I'll just see what supports they allow me to keep after backing out of the whole community integration thing. Like I say ... for me there is no such thing as community ... at least as I once knew it. All that has changed since the new reginal programming's has been implanted. Newer generations have not lived long enough to understand. In fact newer generations are very disadvantage when it comes to said insights. People today are born into child minding facilities and installed with wearable tech as their means of programming.

Knowing how the system works whilst leads to insanity can also be beneficial in surviving it to some degree.
_________________________

Enough about all that for now though ... I just go back to Tolle and the like who help me find comfort in the void. Knowing more about that helps to disconnect. God forbid! JK

Here's to nailing Day Three!

[Ponder]

You Purpose In Life! The Devine Purpose!!! ... glossed with counter articles/authors/egos that speak of such things as no more than distractions keeping us from Fulfilling!!! ... which for many broken souls comes off as a collective universe looking through a telescope at itself wondering where it is. So it is that purpose is the telescope where meaning is lost via the act of looking/seeking. Fulfilling just another construct in as much as the expectation that everyone is here to dance some kind of divinely staged event. Participation is required! The latter being yet another solutions spelt out and sold in many books as well as being presented at some workshop with millions of empty souls looking through the looking glass as an unconscious universe views itself.

The same tricks and use of language utilized in the marketing all kinds of industry are as rampant in the self-help, philosophical & spiritual practices/pursuits /fads/cults & /entertainment. I view Tolle the same way I do Watts. I am careful not to slide into same fan based following and or worshipping mentality by way of taking their insights and making them my *own*. I don't understand watts or more a case of take on his view with us all being better off dancing some kind of dance. Such participatory terms do not work for me or many others despite that appealing philosophical intellect. I think that such gurus have not suffered in the same way that brakes a spirit for life in the same way that people end up with severe permanent mental & neurological & or illnesses from traumatic events that such presenters can only describe in philosophical ways for lack of not having experienced such.

I am able to talk from this perspective being byproduct of the apparent universal collective. I've noted many times before that you don't see much of the byproduct from the bottom of the barrel in such audiences. This point is not to minimize the pain and suffering that comes from those whom have not suffered in the same way or not branded as having severe permanent mental & or neurological illnesses. However I do note a misunderstandings between these two dynamics where the language used to bring insight for one facet can in fact be more of a distraction for the other.

These marginal to extreme differences in experiences and perceptions is really important for me to convey as whilst I keep listening to such philosophical and spiritual teachers there is generally one type of audience that seemingly influences the language used when it comes to the telling of *You Need to do* where those chosen words used for said audience, fail those further down the rung. I think those of us deemed with severe permanent mental & or neurological illnesses would do well to understand this dynamic I'm trying to hit on. Alan watts's desires to drink, have sex and dance to the tune of what he proposes life is ... to just dance the dance and play along with whatever tune, kind of fails those of us that have either had enough of such things or simply no longer care for the desire at all, or find such desires no more than a drain where that's OK ... the way Alan talks can often come off as a criticism for those who do not wish for such things. A lot of his followers seem to be more hip thus of course into such things and this is where I was meaning that the type of audience and their own desires/fears and so on at times can dictate the messages that are given. Oh Allan strikes a lot of resonance in all he says but for me whilst I gain many insights, I see just as many conflict that do not fit for byproducts like me. I'm simply not into his kind of universal of governance with all that dancing. Tolle whilst talks and skirts with some form or construct of devine dance, he seems to be closer to the mark regarding deeply fractured souls.

I'm not quite nailing what I am trying to convey here - but it does come down to how the shallowest of words for byproduct of society are used as Devine solutions for those with broken nails. Even my own comparisons fail and our subject to terms such as egoric and hypocritical - but more so confusing with no real malice intended at all. Like all this text is more about what swirls within my own being.

I've been doing the motivational self help merry go round trip for eons + the deeper philosophical and spiritual telescope online workshops for as long. Words and Terms that open up inspirational doors that almost give permission to do this or that or derive a concept of one needs to do or be a certain way just don't cut if for people who simply do not require a purpose or meaning ... that in fact such constructs have only been leading to the compulsive disordered that have ensued. Truth be told from beneath the rubble of such terms - one sees way more disorder spawn from desire and claims made of such things. That no dance is required at all and or if it ever was, it's not meant to be life long, as that be just one little fragment to existing at all. Basically that it's a different dimension for broken and busted souls where any form of peace to be had is as much to be had in a void with nothing, no sound nor any vibes at all.

Perhaps in that space I can change purpose to no more than a random happening that evolves into a random quest where such a fictitious character knowns nothing about the aims but simply travels from one point to another without regard for any outcome nor time itself. But simple is not how we live today - complex living that spawns many complexes - one after the other.

I digress but is ok. My point is that whilst so many are chasing positively comfortable vibrational states whilst rejecting that which is heavy - those of us bogged down in the heavy I feel have more potential to disconnect in ways that help us tune in to a state of nothingness which is way more appealing than the claims and telling's of whatever by whoever. Being byproduct as I prefer to put it regardless of whatever impartments but deem us unfit in an otherwise normalized society is prone to involuntary violent reactions which is why I avoid dancing the dance as I have come to see such a collective. On the surface we do what we can to swim and whilst there is much to gain from said reflections - the fancy language and terms that are mostly used do very little to come up with solutions that help us more affected; really live. Instead we ourselves teach ourselves how to die in a world that fears death. In this there is no need to fear an unlived life. No good comes from quotes that do more to incite fear whilst selling optimism. Think Natalie Babbitt - different interpretations to be sure. I'm just trying to make my own point is all. I found quotes less useful if I can't create my own. Even Tolle messes it up from time to time but again it comes down a lot to the audience. He even admits as much in a round about way when correcting himself on the language used.

So what am I really saying in all of this?

Day Four - Here's to day five. Laughs out loud.

[Ponder]

Day Four: Evening ... ZZZZzzzz I guess the self reflection can also be a distraction in itself. It was a hard day not giving in to my cravings. I can't say I have nailed portion control but I am making gains with eating whole foods.

(typos and not well constructed ... too tired)

We have a rental house inspection tomorrow. I got a most of my chores out of the way with just a couple of last minute ones do do before the real-estate agent arrives. I struggle very much how they take photos of all my things but understand why they do what they do. I think it is sad we have to live that way but what can you do. Most people do not respect the rules. At least the photos will show just how clean we keep the property in and outside. We are very good tenants like that. Never ever miss a beat with the rent as is automated and we did that long before it became a requirement by most agents these days.

I find it really weird how my strong traits to follow all the rules is considered a disorder. That said as I get older I can see how problematic OCD can play into things when I am unchanging in a lot of ways and I see just how quick the world is changing with more instability re the world's added complexity. I think the imbalance with how most people in society do not care for the rules unless they know they will get caught is more an issue. More and more I think this adds to growing disrespect all round. People also seem to lie much more easily than I. I chuckle to think how one's propensity to just tell the truth as is also be consider a disorder. I truly have never understood the world on such a level. That said I know a lot more now how people have been taking advantage of me with respect to such things. Nevertheless I'm no angle either. I do much prefer my so called gullible ways.

On the home front my daughter may be self admitting to the nearest psyche ward tomorrow with the help of her therapist who is the same one I also see. She is also struggling with the same reginal programming I am on but less able to process the pressure to be marketed and perform. Too many people coming to the house trying to sell betterment programs and so on. It has resulted in conflict and whilst I understand her wish to self admit, I think it just passes the buck with all that I said two posts back. They will just reassess, re-label and address the issue with more meds. In fact now that I think about it, I know she want to have the same options I have regarding PRN but I am not sure she understands how to regulate them and also that they will not give her that kind of meds because they too will most likely see it that same way ... where in the end she will just get depressed taking meds that make her fat. That cycle in itself creates and adds to already diagnosed conditions.

However - I think she will learn eventually that self admittance and continually dealing with Mental Health Services will just further cripple her. In those places they build up their own case to toy around with clients whilst interns/residents think more about their own careers than care at all for said patients. It's a mess given she is on the spectrum. She is as easily as led as me but I know to avoid those places. It's not worth chasing the meds but such has been an issue as most of my kids have strong traits re my heavy predisposition to addictions. Creating a background of dysfunction to build a case for medication is certainly a concern I have re my kids as I know two of them have been struggling to do such a thing. They get confused how with my extreme past and history that I have PRN when they both often get knocked back. I've tried to explain it takes a lot of research in knowing how the system really works and that my history with self-help, holistic approaches and constant rejecting of medications is also on my records. One also has to steer clear of the Mental Health Labels as they are very much stigmatized right through the medical industry as much as with general consensus - aka conditioning. You actually get penalized for having a history in drugs, prison and having mental illness. If those things are within 5 years of your record then you are easy pickings for those interns/residents and low tier doctors, courts, police, disgruntled front line workers and so on. Even with decades behind me, if I fart or have an outburst that requires a call to police, four cars will turn up with trigger happy police. I really wish I could get it into my kids heads not to mess with Mental Health Services. Its a very self perpetuating dynamic that does way more harm than good. It gets deeper than that but I am too tired to explain.

So many misunderstood peeps that fall victim to complacency in that part of the sector for sure. Is all good though because I know more suffering will just help my daughter see as I do when she comes out the other end. It still saddens me though that she has to go learn that way. The other side of the coin it can be hard when she screams and yells looking for conflict when she is in pain. Tonight she spat and then slagged in my dinner whilst I was cooking. Long story but pretty much sums it up. Is not always like that but the tension has been building with all that reginal disability programming I hit on. She did express that too many people are getting involved in her case trying to sell her things and make money off her as she herself put it. That part she is learning well enough but for all my own concerns on that, I would also like her to learn how to play that game and get the most out of supports. I fear it's complex for younger ones today especially those who are chasing the meds. Yet I fully understand why people want to medicate. 100% I do! Like I recently said I have been struggling with that myself and lately broken records for days in a row using my PRN. That said I have plenty left so feeling confident about my regulating of those meds. Just surprised I have been using them of late - but yea ... they have been more helpful for me than not.

Thankfully I am looking at Day Five tomorrow of clean eating. (including no need for PRN although again generally not an issue for me) I think I will just focus on that. I did send an email to my therapist as did my wife explaining the Mental Health Services are not welcome in our house. Last time they just randomly turn up without regard for the impact it was having on our house with X amount of people on the spectrum as well as my wife's MS and her supports. We have a busy household that is very consistent and when things change is can have a huge affect. Mental Health Services did not care about this which resulted in my having to get loud with them. This time we get the therapist to set them straight before pushing tier way around. Sadly they just made more negative notes on me that did not reflect their own intrusions or gave any background to the circumstances how they just disrespect our space and home. Frustrated workers in the community use those notes to make life very hard for people like us. Stigma is generally initiated as soon as notes like that are read. Another reason I don't like hospitals. Regardless of the autism diagnosis, as soon as they read the notes they tend to lean on diagnoses that reflect mental instability where PTSD being similar do involuntary reactions like ASD ... that anxiety, depressing are much easier buttons to press. Once you have been around log enough you get to see how these low tier workers play the game. People in hospitals do push patients around like power tripping police wanting to get back home to their wife and hot meal kind of thing. They create more suffering but blame the historical PTSD (without regard for the damage they do themselves) and mental health symptoms. Is how society works on many levels.

Bit stressed tonight but will keep things clean ... Pretty clear I have bias of my own but more so through the way I myself have been handled ... yet I am smarter than I look and have a good wife that is also great with such things. I've kept pretty clean for fear of such things when it comes to interventions that abuse one's freedoms and dignity like that ... all though the reginal programs do abuse people in a different way ... or actually similar in the dehumanizing way in in many cases worse than being pushed around. In fact I can tell like I started saying its also been what's triggering my daughter trying to use her like a product for their services. But again I can't lead her to water when she want's to take another route.

Cont .. post below

[Ponder]

cont ... (typos and not well constructed ... too tired)

Is the same with my own writings and why I mainly try to speak to myself when reflecting as deep as I do. It's just hard having to relive all this stuff in the same way as seeing my grandson getting programmed and that being a hard watch with my kids when they were young. Toxic world to be sure and this level many of Eckhart's well dressed audience are not so farmiliar with. Alas not for me to minimize their suffering ... just saying how we differ is all. Is liken to the TED X audiences that some of my acclaimed university friends cling too. Irony would have it though that some of them are on involuntary treatment orders and or have enough dealings with mental health. Can't judge a book by its cover but give me enough time with the person and I'll eventually work it out. Although it's taken we 53 years to work it out. : )

OK - no hard feelings about any of it all. My daughters spit did not seem to affect my meal. I just turned the heat up and hoped for the best. Have emailed to ensure Mental Health do not ask for home visits in the event she get admitted. (as that pertains to any would be conditions of release) Grandson doing very well at school getting awards. My wife is very happy with her supports (self managed) ... and I am glad that I was able to say NO to said programming and have explained myself well enough to my other supports.

Other than that ... I just want the inspection with the photo taking to be over and done with. Whilst I find it intrusive I am stable enough to be nice about it and all that.

My long term future goal is to get off the reginal disability programming but will take my time with that as long as I can keep saying NO to those selling what only makes me more stressed.

NOTE* Must remember to cancel laptop purchase as I've been waiting too long - if I don't hear back in 24 hours I'll cancel and get something cheaper. Learning to live off a much lower end computer has actually made me a little sad about spending too much on higher end laptop to play games. I hope the sellers don't get back to me because I will cancel for sure. This still be moneys from my small payout - soon it will eventually be gone but happy I did that huge water cooling PC project. In fact ... such carrots on the stick and whatever programs off what I am working towards a mindset that is willing to give it all up and live off bread crumbs. The quest for more $$$$ (and or things) is such a crutch and leads people to being spiritually poor. At lest in the sector and world as I've seen it.

OK ... enough self soothing for tonight. Well done with todays clean eating! A+++++

What will happen will happen ... Keep working on your own pain.

Night night.

PS - I've done well to ignore so far ... Kudo for that as well. A+++++

[Ponder]

Still on track. Well done for that. Got to say it's pretty sad logging into AF these days given the psychosis taking place in the background. I don't think there is anything any of us can do about that. No to worry I shall continue on as I have been.

Personal issues being attended too via the organizing of family meetings which should build a case for housing prioritization which I know my daughter would like very much. Housing affordability keeps people penned up more than they would otherwise like. This way in house conflict recorded by way of assisted mediation & associated reports will present a base of evidence for hopefully subsidized housing for my daughter. It will also help her to qualify for respite as well. I put forward a case that respite for herself is a far better option than just adding to what would otherwise become an historical list of hospitalization that for all intent purposes will in the future go against her. So we play the game and build a case providing evidence to qualify her for subsidized housing in a way that puts her on an urgent list whilst in the meantime have the option for respite. It also helps me deal with my own reactions as well and allows us all to be heard, validated and what not.

My wife and I can work out some time after that perhaps moving into a smaller place so we can also afford to pay the rent. The place we in is fairly big otherwise however the issue now is not so much space as it is more about privacy and the confidence in living independently Vs that feeling of everyone else making choices for you. It's not so black and white of course because we do what we can not to have it be that way ... but generally if not for the extreme rental and houses price hikes since the Covid Drama ... it would not be so much of an issue. Rents have gone up like almost 30% which is very hard for those less fortunate and unable to work. Of course that's another stigma all together that only adds to the instability of it all. Yadda Yadda.

Is all good though. We are finding solutions and playing along. That's how those labels take place but what can ya do but play along. No sense spamming the forum like a 4 year old screaming blue murder as if your the only one. Rolls eyes. Back to ignore ... I'll just take the win with how today has progressed. One day at a time ... still on Day Five ... evening actually.

My youngest boy is over in Korea having a great time. He and his wife are visiting her parents as reason for the trip. My son has been studying linguistics with the intention to perhaps get a job teaching English. Something like that. Generally he is a chef or more technically a cook without the glorified schooling. Seems to be a good job where he can walk out when he wants and have a job the next day kind of thing. That said, the hospitality industry is a bit like that when it comes to treating workers like crap. He seems to know what he is doing as he's been at it for near 10 years now and can afford to go back and forth to Korea whilst paying of his house. Well done to him! A+++++

This is him catching up with an old friend he met in Australia but then looked him up after landing in Seoul: He will be going rural soon enough as that's where his wife's parents live.

His friend on the left and my son on the right:



Traditional Archery is something my son and I used to really enjoy in our back yard, Just using suite cases full of clothes as target. Shhhhhhhhhhh Highly illegal doing that where we live. I used to show a few pics some time ago in my threads when I hang up carpet up in a shed back around 2014 although me and the young lad started around 2011.

My eldest daughter is still stuck over in the UK since the whole CV Drama and now has a child. My mum helped with some forms so she could get some kind of ancestry visa and now they will get dual citizenship for my new granddaughter. The hike in plain ticket prices and all the paper work with the citizen stuff has been the main factors it's been taking so long. It feels like four years since I say her last 2019 around march.

_____________________________________________

What else is happening ... Oh Yea I got a refund on my overpriced laptop. Will have to wait 3 to 7 days for that to come in. The refund is not just because it's taking so long but like I said before I just can't justify spending so much on playing PC games. Like I don't mind playing the games BUT I am just over the BS with the marketing in much the same way I am with the marketing of everything else. I have to get real with where I fit on the food chain re my means. My mum is not going to be around to get helping me out and I do not wish for it to be like that at any rate ... although I do love the connections we make being like that. The nice hand written cards she send with a cheque. My follow up calls to say thank you and ask how she is. We swap movie recommendations both of us talking nostalgically kind of thing. That's how I have mostly been using my respite trips to see my mum. Is much better when my sister is not there - that drama not so long ago. I smile to think of the chaos that unfolded then. Regardless of my so called prejudicial childhood I have always loved my mum; even the times I wrote hard things about my past re rejection. Is no good holding onto all that - lest again you wind up like a 4 year old eternally spamming the forum with nothing but hate and bitterness. So sad to see ... Alas I will not let it affect me.

Well - I guess I will go back to retail therapy surfing online to make more appropriate choices and see how far I can spread out that overpriced laptop. That being the last of my payout from back in 2019. That said I did enjoy the custom build project and it lasted me a couple enough years. I knew that would happen and am kind of glad I'm in a much better head space despite the reality of what is now. Some things money simply can't buy and today I stand by what I said when stating that in the end it is only us than can give compensation to ourselves.

I think that is a good note to end on.

Here is to Day Six ... Peace to anyone that may be reading and of course peace to myself. I'm still edgy but doing what I can. I am still me and that's fine with I.

All good ... goodnight. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Morning focus - Ironically feel like starting to pick/play either a new (one I own) or an older game as a distraction. A distraction from the cravings and to help staying the course re time it takes to develop better relations with food and the like. So far so good. Right kidney area is feeling it as usual but could also be from sitting too long and not enough activity combined with the detox. Live for sure has taken a hit this last long bout of letting go.

My Son has offered to come visit when he gets back and drop off his PS4 but for now I'll find something that works on the old PC which I have been enjoying for its simplicity.

Inspection went well. Nice young lady that kept is simple and sweet.

Really just got to keep focused on my overall aim so will see what I kind find in the way of that distraction which for now I will consider more healthy than not.

[Ponder]

Day Six comes to a close. Had a reasonably good day. Helped support a friend at a Mental Health Meeting (ITO) ... Got a little sun by the ocean and stuck to eating clean.

I'm continuing to binge watch *The Good Doctor* on Netflix ... got confirmation on the refund of the laptop ... organized a bike ride for tomorrow with said friend. I took him shopping this afternoon as he can not afford to keep his car on the road and with the rising petrol prices ($90 to fill up our 4 cylinder car) I don't blame him. We both ride bicycles a lot.

Todays pic is of my shopping trolley. I just ducked out to top up on heathy fruits and veggies with a few health foods such as prune juice, flax meal, yogurt, a bit of salad and not much else. I filled up to average size shopping bags with one quarter watermelon as pictured. Coming out the other end of the check out at a whopping $94au ... that's almost 55 Pound GBP ... Surely that's getting ridiculous. I'm going to have to work out my meals to the grams in fresh foods if this keeps up. Generally I don't like to freeze my meals but I think at these prices I will have to bulk up with some meals unless I can get my head around the exact amounts of ingredients. Just as well I cashed in on my laptop when I did. Like that's not a big shop when eating health every day - especially when I am laying off the meat and need to eat more veggies and legumes to make up the difference.

$94au / 55GBP *&^%ing insane!

Is hard to remain optimistic but I'll work out my meals exact not because I am counting cals (not at all!) but because I really can't afford to keep eating like that once all my money is gone. I'm definitely going to get my own panty but my room is starting to get quite small. The change in my eating for now requires more intake but I'll work on keeping that to a much smaller allotment if I am able to get to 100 days! My last successful bout worked out well once I was only eating handfuls of high density healthy fats and notorious dried non perishables that were providing enough of the essential vit's/mins/fats & proteins whilst. Eating fresh as the cost pictured above is just not sustainable on my pension and I know it's why most of my friends just eat cheap frozen bags of salty oily potatoes, cheap pies with even cheaper junkier food on the side.

Anyways ... is what it is and I think it only going to get worse so I best work out a plan on what meals I'll be eating as a disability pensioner and renter. Let's not even think about Organic although I do with some tin food from time to time. I defineatly don't remember it being this expensive the last phase I was on. Like it was but this is ridiculous.

Small bites and longer chewing. lol Yet that is also a good method for digestion.

Here is to Day Seven!

[Ponder]

GOOD MORNING
Please do excuse my odd sock. Will cut another piece of curtain to match like on the right side. Just never got around to it but will by today's end

Just going to post a few pages in my thread on the current state of my outdoor garden. Only four images per page enabled on this forum. There will most likely be a 15 minute delay between each choose and scale the images. Each plant has it's own story but I won't go into detail other than review the images myself as to what decisions I make when contemplating what I do with them next when maintaining them. The whole collection started back around 2014 with four small indoor plants.

In fact the next image being in front of my bedroom door shows one of the original four plants. I think it's called a *Red Anthurium* It's now split into two with a third I have on the ground that needs my attention. Hard to beleive I've been maintaining it for 8 years now. I won't name all the plants because my memory is shot. The images are enough for me to work out what they need. I'm not over the top about keeping them pristine but I do have a passion for keeping them healthy and find doing so helps to keep my grounded as I generally have many other projects on the go despite slowing down these days. More so in my head than hands on kind of thing.

Outside My Bedroom Window



___________________________
________
_


A little further back showing more plants

Forgive the lack of image quality here as my phone is not that great in low light and especially when using panoramic mode but the image itself is only meant to give an idea of what kind and how many, potted plants I have to maintain. I am always moving them around depending on the day, weather, cleaning, maintaining and that kind of thing.

____________________
_______
_

Before I start walking around potted garden anymore I take a shot of what it looks like today from the exit door. Perspective is a little stretched going out and to the sides so whilst you get some kind of idea of the garden layout it's actually more compact where you feel more surrounded than what is conveyed here. I'm actually very particular about the spatial positioning and in fact I have to move around my outdoor setting as currently it's not sitting just right. I get to that soon enough on the next page when I finished choosing those images. Again just phone snaps in low light as this is more about me working out what I am going to do or even acquire next as I keep working on making this spot a really nice place for visitors and ourselves to enjoy.

Outdoor Exit:

*Note the little *Red Anthurium* The small yellow pot on ground level sitting in a saucer. I have it taken from the window box in font of bedroom window. I need to move and feed it. Note* I have not forgotten about that little guy. It's a really nice feeling walking in-between the plants and looks really nice from my bedroom window and side glass doors. We do tend to move a lot as renters but well worth one truck load. So far we have been very fortunate with multiple years in one house at one time. I still count about 30 residentials places my wife and I have lived in ... that's another post as we actually got all the houses listed with google pics. It's another cool story to write about.

To be continued ...