Dave's Dairy

[salvator here]

Good evening, Ponder. Guess its about midnight there so hope you sleep better. Don't feel bad, I've also had to rely on my benzo lately.

I'm going to try and catch up on everything over the weekend because (honestly) I've been quite 'out of it' and not functional. Yesterday I only got out of bed to piss pretty much. Not good but I'm up and have my appointment with my therapist and don't even know what to say. But anyway, whatever really.

I was hesitant to ask and I'm sorry your wife's condition is progressing. I hope things improve for your daughter and grandson. Can you all celebrate Halloween? I just love that holiday and its so much fun for the kids. I remember seeing your vids and you and him and I can see that strong bond between you both. I just want to say ... you deserve to much credit for keeping your family together during some very rough times.

Yeah, about NMP forum, its nor everyone and they didn't create a journal section. I'm not even interested in joining another forum to be honest. Just these 2 are good enough for me. I even left my computer tech forum because of huge paranoia that was only further causing me distress and anxiety - I'm already paranoid enough I just read your posting over there and that member did thank you for what you said. It is hard with new forums and I find this place to more relaxed of the two. As you said over there, hopefully you'll be able to post when something catches your eye because you have a lot of insight to offer others.

Will write more late on. Got to dust myself off for sure today if I'm going to "try again".

[Ponder]

Dude - (hope is OK to use that slang?) Is like BRO -

How about Man oh Man ... I feel ya Sal. So So glad you are still about!!! I so love how those few of us here use the forum as we do. Keep posting over me as you do as it helps me feel like I am not taking up too much space in this void yet the void really is appealing compared to those more busier places that can get so contentious. I too am about to walk out the door ... I think I will ride ...

I just wanted to clarify that I am trying as best I can over in NMP. Me taking as many words as I do might be a trigger for others is all. It kind of also makes me feel more self conscious but atm not really bothered as like you say the person I wanted to connected with touched base and that was healthy over all. I don't want to get into the whole dragging up the past and using it against people and seeing the same old forum BS being dragged on. It really seems that this world is only ever interested in the conflict which is why I guess there is SO MUCH BS on Netflix and so on.

I skimmed quickly on your thread and will be back to comment later because I am interested in what is going on for you. It's all those similarities and even the differences that give us opputitny to work through this hard assed world. Alas - I now go blow up my balloons and go show some color where the sun don't shine whilst leaning forward and riding my bike like a bat out of hell! hehe ... narrr ... I got take is slow. Back later.

Thanks for the updates. I replied again over at NMP - I also offered Nicole $100 in the section they ask for donations ... but only did so if they would consider putting in a Journal section.

Sorry to hear about the Distress and leaving your computer tech forum. Is indeed hard to fathom people these days with so much focus on promoting drama.

I now and dust myself off too. The phrase really makes a lot more sense these days for me. Love it.

[Ponder]

Gave up on the video editing. The amount of BS between software and file formats is making the task more of a chore than it's worth. Phone footage is even more finicky. Therefore it was enough that I went and I saw what I saw. Next time I wont mess around with portrait mode. Not much to go on about with tonight. Time for a scrub and watch some mind-numbing footage. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Pleased to report my injury re weights is much more on the mend now. Touch wood.
Thanks for the kind words re my family. Much appreciated. The little fella is growing up so fast and the education system already having a negative effect. It saps their creativity in favor of molding them for this world's system. Winners and Losers. Users and Byproduct. Is what it is. I got a decent car and lots of things - all the things that people say makes the lucky ... luck to live in a lucky country. I'm telling you bro, when you see the true cost (and it's all around us) that kind of talk is utter BS! Society has a lot to answer for. It never will. It's a runaway train.

I found a kink today in a well meaning signature by a well meaning person. It goes a little like this:
“Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.” - Natalie Babbitt

Allow me to highlight the conflicts:
“Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live.” - Natalie Babbitt

My Signature to match:
"Whilst no one really likes to experience pain, I do look forward to my eventual death. Living life as defined by others in a world full of shallow ideals that often thrives with the pointing of fingers through the telling's of others how it is that we should think and feel is unhelpful when proposed that we should live like so through the essence of fear." - Respectfully Imprisoned Human

I struggled to find words but know well enough what I mean. Just because I am still hear does not mean I am going to bow down to this BS way of being. Best I can say is the quote from that American Writer is rife with conditioning in the telling of how others should fear if they do not live well, simply because they must! Most likely believes for those that don't ... they die only to wake up and be judged. Judged for not living well. If it's not the fire, then it's a repeat sentence of having to come back and go through it all again. Either way I see it ... such a standard is outright abuse. I say fuck that shit! Fuck that mentality full stop. That type always loves blaming the individual rather than an abusive system. Most likely a string of religious fiber deep in her blood. If not religious, perhaps your run of the mill pursuit of happiness and white picket fenced ideals ideals. All the BS they teach their education systems, politics and constant marketing. Got to work hard for a living, get a hair cut - everyone jugging eachtoher base on their own suffering. When I was ... bla bla bla All those soldiers ... bla bla bla

BUT - fuck that world. We take what we get and learn to live with less. What is left of the land, air and see is enough for me. We still have eachtoher and for those that don't I remain open to connect. I only need one or two friends that see similar to me. Tomorrow we are taking the little/big fella out. I'm glad his intellect is not so easily spoiled.

The world has gone to shit and pretending it's not just makes that mindset look even more dysfunctional. Now I don't mind having a laugh though. Insanity from that perspective is a welcome dose.

My outlook is to endure ... nothing more. I'm sorry Sal. To me this world is a prison and nothing more. Not one of the narratives out of all I have seen has offered anything up unconditionally. Many claim they do, but they are the biggest bullshiters of all.
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I have many tools on the ready. I just need to work on my own last appeal. As you know they have a way of sucking the joy right out of you and very much part of the prison mentality. That aside I put in a good effort today and will again tomorrow. I don't do well when I am taking meds. They might help with the odd night but in the end they fuck me up even more. I know what I got to do. FOOD is another drug I got to stop abusing. All that shit is on me. I've been letting this 'I HAVE TO LIVE' get to me. So fuck it! I am NOT going to live it! Chuckles at that. Fuck your lived life and fuck your MUST. Meh ... I say fuck it all.

The reality is my daughter wants to kill herself everyday and often yells it to our face. My autistic grandson is also having a hard time with the school and often hits out at me. My wife's illness is getting gradually worse day by day and I hate sleeping in separate rooms. I am sick of having to constantly account for a permanent condition already warranted for extra support. Just another mind fuck. I know well why my daughter wants to die, why my wife is unable to connect with me and why my grandson is loosing his creativity. Not every house is the same. Not every box is the same. It's just that those conditioned to chase deluded carrots agree with all those BS labels and judge others using those BS quotes chasing BS dreams.

Sigh ... I really need to get a grip.

All this other shit going on in the world right now? Whilst I will most likely take the jab yet remain open to the many theories, least of all mainstream puppeteers, I've had too much shit going on for way too long and really nothing has changed other than perhaps the leaders now getting caught with their pants down. A new order on top of the one that's been in place since the 70s and 2010s is taking place. I hope they get their shit together and start wiping out more people on a wider scale and that I be one of them sooner than later. Another reason I care less to take the jab. What's in our food is just as bad. Hell even the air we breathe is questionable at best. It's not so much a gamble as it is about time. Either way the world is fucked up and just like my daughter I no longer want to be here. It's not about taking people out quickly - its about making people suffer. Once you understand how the world thrives - especially the wardens ... you then understand why having such a low vibration on a mass scale is so important to them. I leave that for another time.

So ... who wants to join me for lunch?


I bounce back in a couple of days if I don't injure myself. Srry for the downer.

[Ponder]

When you see my next list of points re my routine. Now you now why.

Feel much better after my scrub. Medication makes me itch just as junk food does over time. It's a liver thing. I've compromised my organs way before my time.

There has been a lot going on Sal. My wife has to explain to her doctor how her night time pills have magically disappeared. She relies heavily on her meds for her immune system re MS. Today we had to get a lock box to lock up our meds. We have also had to get a lock for the fridge as our daughter also eats our meals. We recently bought her a fridge but she has a hard time prioritizing her benefits. It's not as easy as kicking her out. That's not who we are and we certainly not goin to preach the well lived life crap re get a job that we know she can't keep. There was already a rental crisis made worse by CV and her social profile and records are not good. So our situation is a bit stressed at the moment. Like it is at the best of times but lately ... it's very hard. I m sure we will work it out and continue to improve with enduring as we do. Its brutal on the younger ones and epically those that don't fit. Another reason I don't have time for any of the BS re the previous post. We jump the hoops as best we con together when we must, but from our perspective we do not kid ourselves re the hunger games mentality. It's getting more and more like that.

Tomorrow is Sunday morning. about 10pm now. I'll log off with the intention to clean up early and prep some space for a week of walking and some stretching for the weeks ahead. About 2 weeks from now I will try easing my way back into very light weights. I can't beleive how stubborn I am when it comes to that side of things. The bike riding is a keeper that is for sure. Balance is a huge issue of late. I know I keep saying it ... but I will try all over again re my own version of a healthy routine. My mind set may not change, but I will at least be more concise with my take on things. have you noticed how much online therapists are intellectualizing mental health atm? Just another level of how insane the world has become.

Most of my clips today that I was unable to edit were of the birds and the bees.

Take Care Sal ... You too Camille. Well wishes to Kirk as well and any of the other gang that might be lurking on. I hope Danuta is as well as can be so too Gypsy. I am sorry if my perspective does not match others peoples reality and somewhat bleak. I do find moments of peace!

Night Night ... ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Edit ...

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NMP: Active forums sure do take a lot of effort.

Edit - New system of posting without filling up actively bar so much. I'll just try editing in the same posts until the number of characters require a new post.

I have many times spoken out against the church and religion in all it's essence, however I mean no offense in saying that. I only mean to highlight with the following how I often get a lot of wisdom, solace and good vibes watching the following guy regardless of his and I differences. I love how in tune he is with mindfulness. My last share before bed. Night night.

When your ready Sal - please post away and fill that active side bar up. As you know it's not a my favorite feature re this forum layout. I see how this editing method works out : )

[salvator here]

My outlook is to endure ... nothing more. I'm sorry Sal. To me this world is a prison and nothing more. Not one of the narratives out of all I have seen has offered anything up unconditionally. Many claim they do, but they are the biggest bullshiters of all.

I think I would have to agree 100%.

Hope you are sleeping well, and again , thank you for all you've done to help me. I appreciate your friendship.

[Ponder]

Just about to close my eyes now. I know it's an irony that I post a link to an old man sitting in a church having just said such things. But like he says, he is not that well regarded by the heads of church for his own veiws which often define religous icons more as states of being.

Thanks for your words. That means the world to me. You will always be welcome.

EDIT - Could not sleep. Saw a question over at NMP so decided to answer it by making another video.
https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showth...ges-in-a-Forum

[Enthydr]

Hey, it is nice that you are writing here. Hopefully you overcome what negative thoughts you have.

[Ponder]

Hey, it is nice that you are writing here. Hopefully you overcome what negative thoughts you have.

May I suggest reading my response to Camille. Perhaps we can talk about those ones? I wonder if you might be more open to embracing what we or others may perceive as negative thoughts; Vs overcome? At the moment I am not sure what ones you are referring too?

Could you please elaborate on which negative thoughts? I struggle with only a few words so unable to process your well meaning response.

I can validate all of my posts today as coming from the heart and resultant from the deep hearted seeking I have been doing. I have a great couple of days and could not be more content as today's postings. 100% I am enjoying finding my voice once again.

In the mean time here is a new video where I star as the main character. A REAL LIFE CHARACTER THAT I CAN CONNECT WITH. Minus the Caps - injoke.
Why Your Legal Name Is Written in All Capital Letters


All good - Thanx Enthydr. Don't mind me, although I still do require a little more context when it comes to such things. But really glad you dropped in. Thanks Heaps. Embracing Fear (demons/negativity) is working atm for me. I just have to keep it balanced which is exactly what I have been doing. No light without Dark and no Dark without Light. A certainly no connection without context. That requires more contact. I hope you keep coming back.

Todays fun was moving the tramp without breaking my back or injuring my shoulder:




Hey Enthydr - You play any computer games, do art, read, chess, astronomy ...
please do consider coming back and let's touch base on a few similar interests hey?

[Ponder]

Sweet as ... got a refund from steam. I spent my fathers day gift voucher on a full pack with Civilization VI.

Hey I am sorry Enthydr if it seems I took you the wrong way. I meant not to have a go at you but was genuinely confused when you brought up the negative thoughts like that. I can only hope it was well meaning but now annoyed at myself not just leaving my thoughts be. Seriously ... don't mind me at all. I've seen you around and have often hoped we could connect more, even if we are a little different. You know I made a new friend over at No More Panic. I sent an email today and think I will follow up. I've been taking a few more chances / risks in just being me despite myself knowing I am not well understood and perhaps seen as a bit of a nutcase. Normal and over rated - but I am trying to bridge the gaps all the same. Anyways I meant what I said about connecting and all that. I just need to know more about others is all in order to do that. Takes time ... more connections. I know is not easy opening up online ... I apologies I seem not to have filters and all that. I seriously meant not to offend.

Anyways I edit this in a bit after looking at some more steam games. BRB

Well that took a while. More shit than Netflix to sort through. I ended up going with a Subscriptions Pack to Crusaders Kings II. For a small monthly fee I get access to the entire collection of DLC with is worth $450Au atm. I can use what is left in my steam wallet and cancel my subscription at any time. Now I can really play the game of society and be as cruel or kind as I wish to be. I'm betting the algorithm only rewards credulity. Alas there are people have a good go of it without all the raping and pillaging. Steep learning curve. The game is currently free and there is a good guide on learning it without all the DLC - Here

I gave it a go before but just had too much going on. I think for now it will be a good thing. See what happens. Despite the subscription I will be learning with that link above.

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EDIT ... In my quest to continue to participate in what looks like might be an active forum to which I am still unsure ... I cut and paste a response I made in there ... which I feel belongs here. It's an revolutionary process - nothing more. I find not right or wrongs in it ... but it felt good writing like so and sheds more a positive light on what I have been trying to say. YES - the continued writing is helping. Thanks again Enthydr ; )

In response to someone whos dealing with existential fear:

I do my best to accept fear is on the rise and in itself the key ingredient to a desired self perpetuating system. I find this aspect quite evident in many well meaning quotes that promote fear of living whilst addressing death. As in fear an unlived life Vs death. That we 'must' live ... Not to debate the message of such quote but more meaning to highlight the fear it still promotes being more my point. I'm sensing it is in the acceptance of coming to see how such a system promotes itself, where in that process of embracing said sensing that one finds open doors that lead to less chaos, conflicts and so on. It's when we start to feel more relieved, less bound and more at peace.

In the same way overcoming is sold of as conquering - it too perpetuates adversity which creates and sells a lot of games. Typically those that flood the market based on fear with a lot of hacking and slashing. So it is with all facets of culture that do more than keep us entertained. The process of identification and invested emotions being part of the conditioning system from birth to grave is a complex web indeed. Best I can say what works for me is to take what we are taught and what most people say and turn upside down and backward and read between the lines.

Overcoming comes through accepting. Success comes from failing which is overcome by accepting. I embrace that unlived life and the fear to which I am told I must experience in order that I may live. Only then does time no longer exist and all those must dos and fears fade. Giving way to a much more peaceful existence devoid of said conflict.

I really don't know and am in tune with the concept that the search for knowledge is just as plagued as the ideals often sold. I'm a slow learner but coming to see how my own resistance and the way it's prodded by a bigger picture are less important than the answers that already lay within. More over how it is that the answers are not beyond or found outside us but already within. By embracing that which is driving the insanity outside ourselves and accepting that big scary picture by coming to one's own terms seems to be key of me. Dis-identifying from the fictitious character (capitalization) that is created as soon as we are born into this system is a great place to start. Don't fight it. Come to know it. Don't intellectualize it with others people word or warrant a quote because of who wrote it.

Create your own timeless world that does not rely on boundaries that we are taught to identify with, as being us, you and me. Disconnect and become your own author in order to connect. Leave the overcoming for the conquerors and enter into a more timeless world. Sigh ...

OK - reality check .. I'm off to learn how to play Kings Crusader II

hehe. It's all a game. Know your not alone and that more people are tiring of the same old movies and games. The software and programming is slowly changing - but we have to play our own parts with that changing. Respecting others peoples differences helps, but it's more helpful not to let that those differences bind us. I am not allowing myself to live in toady's PC (political correctness) world - yet find solace in learning to change the programing.

Best of luck with what games you play.

~ Ponder
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EDIT - Back from OUT and ABOUT

Fist a bite to eat - I know - One too many : )


My second stop along the way with super zoom camera. Looks like it could be a father and son getting some head space. At least to me it does:


This was my perspective. Sitting up on an esplanade some distance away. I like the catch!