Dave's Dairy

[salvator here]

so happy and proud of you. I'm reading today and have read all above.

~Edited and moved to my thread.

Yeah, Linux is something I do enjoy and I do use Ubuntu 16 and Lubuntu 18 (old) too, but, really, not sure I could use it as my 'daily driver' and windows is just where its at for me. That doesn't shock me that the Linux forum is toxic. Just MSFN for me as far as computers/tech goes. Nobody would want me anyway. Still have not written to Nicola and I do miss the people, but was becoming a drain some days. Looking at other forums and I don't at all like what I see to be honest out there and some forums are trigger city for me.

I'm very glad to have you as my friend here. Miss some other people that have left.

Sorry my friend to be a downer on you, but I read everything and can relate to more than you know.

There is not turning back and the drugs will only poison us (which is what "they" want - to kill ourselves) We can't Can't! Refuse! Yes; same here, I can not cheat even 1 sip and I'm done like dinner.

PS: You delicious healthy foods are so inspiring and helped me today to want to put better things into this shell of me.

[Ponder]

Thx Sal - definitely helps to have support. I wish there was something I could do for you?

I really hope you get back into the Needlepoint Stitching.












Another Dolphin one → Here

Seem to really brighten up the place and after watching a quick video seems relaxing once you know what to do. Even just looking at kits to select seems like a nice past time : ) ... The scope for creating a theme and the like. Don't give me ideas Sal ... But yea man - I really think this would be a good thing if you could somehow budget for it?

Understand the edit and moving around of text. All good. I was thinking about your situation pretty much all morning and sending the best vibes I could. You can be as heavy as you need to be around me at any time. Yea is best to avoid those triggers when we can. I miss some of the others too. People change, move on. Some stay the same and move on. Some may pop back and other may not. I'm just glad your here. No one is holding anyone back.

Narrr Man - not at all. Not a downer in the slightest. I'm glad you understand just how powerful the addictive nature can be. I senses you already knew given your own admissions re struggling with the drink and all - but now having put that one to rest. A+++++ on that.

Hehe - glad your able to get something good out of my ramblings and shares. Lately I am into finding quick dishes that are still healthy as I just seem to be doing more each day and don't want food prep to take up all my time .. that said there are some preps that I am now finding more like a regime that I find myself relaxing during that process. Knowing not to struggle but embrace it and as I am getting better with the timing it's all becoming much easier despite and regardless of my clinical deprive outlook that lingers like so. That is getting slowly better with each day.

But enough of that - Seriously Sal ... do please consider getting into the cross stich / needle sticking. Looks really great and to have something on the wall that you did yourself makes it just that more healing. The scope for choice is amazing.

Take care ... just wanted to encourage you ... help lift you up from the hole you mentioned before. I totally get those feelings man and is no good for any of us to just leave the other hanging there. You're never heavy bro, never will be. I know each of us may feel that way at times but matters little how active this place is and how many others are in here as long as there is two or more reaching out with genuine intent ... that speaks volumes to just how crucial this place really is.

YOUR AWESOME DUDE ... start working out the funds and looking at some choices and show me when you have the energy what kind of images your considering ... also the kit to do the work.

Late man ... I go continue with some of my hobbies and show again a bit later.

I'm as equally grateful that we are friends as well and able to help each other in the way we do. That's what these forums should really be about.

Peace Out. ; )

[Ponder]

22,600 Steps - 3 hours walking, over two bouts today ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

That sore throat I mentioned in my Vlog had me wake up at 1:30am. I slept for only four hours after falling to sleep around 9:30pm. It is very dry, scratchy and was somewhat painful when taking a breath upon waking up. At this stage there in no pain in my ears and swollen glands that I can tell. My room is somewhat dry and I've been in close prolixity to my grandson all thorough his own illness which still lingers. His was more stomach related however could still have something to do with it.

I've had two eucalyptus lozenges that felt more like balls of sugar. I was quite disappointed that I resorted to such given the last 21 days of abstaining from sugar. I'm just now boiling some fresh ginger and will add honey and let it cool. It does not help me to think of how often I am prone to dry sore throats when I factor in how my biological father died of throat cancer. It's not the type of cancer one would choose if they had to take a pick. Or so I have read which I better stop. Laughs out loud and ouch. I tried to stave it off over the last 24 hours with a couple of betadine gargles; but obviously to no avail.

No doubt the push to walk so far on top of my Grandson being ill, dry room, mouth breather and server deviated septum are all factors. The last two for me make sore throats a common recurrence which worries me being prone to what took out my bio-father. I feel for him as he lived a hard life - that I at least had in common with him. Many of my bouts do include sore ears and swollen glands a head of time but let's just hope those do not come into play for now.

I was suppose to go and get my second shot of the CV vaccine today but think I will have to cancel. The government just reopened the boarders and now we 'apparently' have cases of CV where the town is now all hyped up with mask waring and staring each other down. No an issue if you can switch off but I feel for people similar to me that find that hard to do. The puppets here often panic buy and purchase all the toilet paper. It's becoming quite annoying how easily the media make people panic like so. Fucking going out and waring a mask while I have a throat festering bacteria. Unfortanely I have eaten most of my fresh fruit and veggies. I'll have to settle for the lesser quality stuff when ordering online. It really peeves me how they do that every time. So much so that despite the social phobia I have been going out to get better quality food since eating clean. For now given the mask waring … I think I will resort to online until I recover from this sore throat. Hopefully it will not be a week long bout or even worse bring on flu like symptoms with the protentional to knock me down longer than a week as has been the case once or twice in the last year.

I regret all the text over a sore throat. I really detest this kind of illness as has the potential to go full blown more often than not from my experience. Drinking and smoking heavily for so many years kind of strip most of the hairs from the back of my throat. If only I could do it all over again. I think I'll switch the betadine to salt gargles, stick to fresh honey ginger tea, avoid the sugar lozenges - maybe ask my support person if they could swing by the chemist for better options. Again the waring a mask will only make my throat worse. Even when I am well I feel like I am suffocating with those things on. Have even gotten a sore throat from being muzzled like so.
______________________________

Enough self soothing ...

I have something fo you to consider Sal. If I again made my own forum (like I once did before) would you consider popping in from time to time? Last time you said you could not join another forum but I am not sure if you understood me. The forum was something I made form scratch. There was no-one else in it to facilitate the usual toxic draining banter that may have or may not have had feeling reluctant about joining any other forum. I'm getting to a stage once more that I do not like being here because I feel it is me that is holding others back even though I recently typed none of us are stopping anyone coming back or even new comers from posting. Starting my own can also enables removing people who post inappropriate photos and attack other forum users. Although seems we did a reasonable job at putting that to rest in here all the same. Thing is - I have no problem continuing to be so open, but think having a break form here whilst continuing to keep my online journals and post my videos without casting some kind of shadow.

Liked does logging into a new forum made by me lose appeal because you want don't want to post in two places given you may wish to be here in the hope you'll be here for that day when one of the others come back? Last time I left, I think a couple of others returned but even so the text about the forum was still about how inactive it was. Yet I did not a pattern of one or two stepping in whilst I had gone. Hence my line of thinking of taking up too much space in possibly a place best used by others. If I was to tackle my own space via some forum creation tool like I did before, it would be nice if you could at least feed back every once and a while. If not I guess I will accept it in time.

Sometimes I wonder if the reading activity here is mostly botted. I ponder the importance we place on feedback like so Vs coming to terms with being alone. I sip some more on that and hit enter as I am starting to feel a slight improvement with my pain and just digest this decision openly a little more in my next post ... very shortly.

[Ponder]

Further contemplation on moving space, at least in the interim to who knows what may take place I now continue with.

Previous disconnects I have inadvertently encountered in this forum here coupled with my endurance to keep an online journal is the essence of that cast shadow I have been referring to. Adding to that, much of the stuff I write about is often in stark contrast to main stream/cultural way of living. Hence a level of alienation that naturally takes place when I open up without any filters. Filters a very big reason why I do not fit into society, yet the need for filters I view as more destructive and antisocial than what others would make of me. At least in terms of what really makes us human Vs wannabes. The concept of filters I get but for me society uses all the wrong kinds when it comes to keeping things clean. You only have to stand back and take a glace to see that.

Alas my point is I've been holding myself back whilst in turn not wanting to hold others back. I am sensing this is not healthy for me in the long run. I got too much on the go right now but it is my intention to at least see how long I can last back on my own, however again ask you to consider popping in from time to time for continued support. I'd be happy also support you by popping back in here if you find yourself unable to take such a big step, and it is. Validation is so strong in all of us and something not easily understood at its core. Like I don't know but the more I acknowledge that much, the more I surmise the important of self validation in it's truest form.

Recently I made a reference or expressed a dislike to the term 'self sooth' often used by parents that excessively shell out the term helicopter parenting whilst they prefer to leave small children laying huddled in a corner learning to deal with their own emotional problems. I then went on to say how such a parenting style was very convenient in a world that thrives on convenience. Rejection a major issue for those kids as they expected to grow up before their time in a world acts like spoiled kids. All those unhelpful response in the technical forums I recently experience with the deactivation of various 'communities' is based on the same disease where we are all more prone to trigger each other rather than help.

Nearly 4am - getting tired again. I'll do my best to get another 3 hours sleep.

Perhaps a word press Blog is easier and more accepting of my perception and concerns regarding taking up space as I have expressed. Also much easier for you to comment if you so wish to continue supporting. Here's to a quick recovery regarding my sore throat. May I weather well what is to come next.

Peace out.

[salvator here]

Yes ... will reply in full detail to your postings and regarding the continuation here. I view our forum as 'once was' and we are in purgatory on life support. I don't think we are holding anybody back, I just think people don't like forums as much, as you say, world press and other social media is sexier to the younger generation. I do feel old at times. Yeah, that was really weird with that trolling the last few months and I highly doubt people after reading that would want to join here. To be honest. Once that happens the damage is done. And I DO get it, I realized it could be award (I'll go with that word) that visiting here when past friendships and connections are no longer there. Besides even if I join a new forum, my writing style and personality is so distinct that just in 2 sentences would give it way. Let me think about some things. Yeah, think its just bots here, really now. Sort of makes me wonder whom was even real.

Hope you sleep better and I really will write later.

No need to reply and hope you feel better. Sometimes sleep is the only answer

[Ponder]

I'll just be going a personal Blog where personal friends can pop in and visit. Forget it being about a forum if that helps. If I were to make it a forum it would of just allso been more about us anyways but with tbe ability to stop the trolling. If your not feeling comfortable in switching (is not about changing who we are) I will just blog instead hoping you may consider popping in the comment section.

My preference is for the relocation option and not just any forum. You can have admin rights yourself to change or remove anyone else.

But I understand if your prefer not. In that case I just move onto Word Press.

I think your analysis is dead on. If anyone picked up this forum in our absense, I am certain it would have the same vibe as the rest just not the traffic. And yea, I think the last trolling session was to sabatage as they did. Not having the ability to boot is what I want to change.

You can name it. Lol

I am still in bed. Srry for typos.

[Ponder]

I also will reply later to better explain.

[Ponder]

Remember when someone popped into my other thread and said 'Dave has potential,' The truth is I'm already there. We all are. The way in which connect is so much more important with the latter doing less to hold me up compared to your own tact which is quite a gift. I will miss that if our connection it lost - but hey, no pressure. Chuckles cheekily. Just kidding. I am sure you will always have that no matter where you go. Whilst some of us have drifted apart, others have grown close together, yet the reality is nothing lasts forever; or does it?

It takes a lot of effort in this changing world to reconnect at that level in which we thrive being ourselves and allowing others to be. No contrasting, measuring and or judging. I'm guilty on all those counts but do wish I could be less human as humans today be.

I got go once more as my ride and support is turning up. I just found out that the masks at this stage is just a recommendation not mandatory ... but most likely be mandatory later today. In that case I am going out to get fresh food and medicine while I can.

I mean not to be an alarmist with my intentions re wishing to move - I only wanted to try my idea if only momentarily. I would rather more private with even less traffic but with the possibility of more people like you and me actually starting to participate.

As for the age factor ... there are plenty of oldish folk like us also subscribing to this world new wave of being. Yet to be sure age in terms of knowing what was once does impact the degradation of today's society. That does not mean we can't still carve out our own sanctuary for anyone of any age.

All we would be doing it moving ourselves, being ourselves with the ability to get creative in a new space just as open as it is here.

I'm pretty sure I can get bots reading us as well. lol

I mean to post as many times as one wants without having to worry about taking up space is also a plus.

once more go to go. Back later ... but already feeling much freer thinking about it like that.

[Ponder]

Relocating ... don't have any place at the moment other than my videos but will link up like I did last time in the event someone is actually real that has been following along. Have no idea what comes next or even if I will land back in here as I have previously done many times before. I kind of hope not. More meaning I would of found something more in line with who I really be. Perhaps best explained in my parting vlog. I'll pass on a link if and when I get one.