Dave's Dairy

[salvator here]

We will make it.

[Ponder]

I have to convey I am unsure of what you mean in your second last message above. The part where you state 'not about me about you ...' But the fact you can relate regarding the alcohol I understand and yes sir, most certainly the abuse we inflict on ourselves (in this case) does last for life. I do apologize if anything I said was a trigger.

Can I ask what is going on Sal? Is it both psychical and emotional' pain ... or more one than the other? I only ask out of concern is all.

Yea - the pain bouts can't last for ever. I'm going to walk around the house a little.

[Ponder]

I will try to stay awake my end. Hope your feeling a little better?

[Ponder]

Just after 8pm my time. All good if your not feeling well or just plain caught up with something else. I'm playing those tunes again that you linked above. I generally don't do instruments like I don't do lyrics, but I am impressed with the sparingly and timely use of the keyboard in the selection you linked. I'm bang on 2 hours in. It took me about 40 odd or so minutes to complete this post. Enjoyably so. TY. Lovely tunes.

Finding direction???? Finding Strength???? ... and whilst I might next say finding peace, I think by the sounds of it - you and I may do well to settle for just finding less pain.

Take heart because regardless of what we try to do now to improve our situation, growing old will present as many challengers. Hmmm - not exactly a cheery thought but I did chuckle to myself then. Only way I can look at it.

My support person may have to have a back operation and is worried about his job. I've been very supportive not only because I don't want to lose him having had him in my life for several years, but because it sucks to see him in pain. Often we will have to sit when I am out walking or even out doing the shopping. He is worried about the impact he is having on me but I could care less as taking a moment to sit along the way is actually good for me as well. While he it enduring his pain and healing up for the next leg I am using those moments to find calm and think less. I guess the reason I bring him up and his challenges is to let you know I am not only concerned for myself. I do care about others.

So if you want ... take the time to fill up as much space in here as well. I don't mind at all how much text you want to use. Despite all my woeful projections of this shitty world I only share them to validate anyone else who may be seeing the same as I, yet like I say I do my best to later give some answers that may or may not help with bending those bars in order to escape. If only for brief moments. Sometimes that is all we need to better endure those things beyond our control.

I know I find this space in here and my attempts to be free quite healing despite the reality and sadness that often follows. Is all part of the process my body is going through right now. In here it is my mind that runs free, regardless of changing moods, dynamics, rants and outbursts. I always come back to what works. Been here since 2013 and still going strong. The good the bad and the ugly.

You have been here for quite some time as well. You have been just as consistent and honest.

I think there may be a chance my pain is subsiding. Its still here but that's OK. What happens happens. At least I got a better handle on it this time around.

Well my friend ... I am getting sleepy. It's been a whilst since I have been up till 12pm and 2am. I do seem to be going to be earlier and earlier and waking up earlier and earlier. I got up at 4am and ended up walking down the street at about 4:40am. I was trying to ease the pain. I still feel very self-conscious when outside but know it gets better with time. Slow steady cycling is better in terms of avoiding casual glances and most types of engaging. That is important to me. I pick up to easily on the energy of others as well as output strongly. I have to be in my own zone to work on my own levels of tolerance. I may present OK on camera but I have issues outside my zone, outside my home. I quickly become non verbal and or overly verbal, stutter, get confused then frustrated. That is why I have supports. Other reasons do include difficulties in sensory issues not always related to chronic complex PTSD. These thing all relate to past experiences and the damage done is not all about me ... what I have done re self destructive patterns. Those things typically spawn from seeds sown by others in our earlier life. Lets not forget those we have also sown. Regardless of that the end result lay with us regardless of blame. What we ourselves choose to do now is what counts. The damage is done either way. We live a pattern of reliving the cycle through continuing bad choices with different drugs. Not all so easy to identify yet there they are just as surely as we be no matter where we go, what we do, what we eat or drink. The very thoughts in our heads as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz yadda yadda ... more freestyling.

Yes Sal - we will make it in this life and the next. We already are just by being here and making do regardless of this weird arrangement that currently exists in this neck to the web. We create the worlds we are in. Your are a special being to participate in the way you have and do. That takes strength this place being what it be, whatever that is. Matters little how feeble we feel because your presence here is so much more than what bends our knees and makes us hit the floor. If you don't get up I will and you always seem to do the same when I am down. Then there are times we are both in tune and running well. We have done well here ...

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Now I go get some sleep.

[salvator here]

I will try to stay awake my end. Hope your feeling a little better?

Oh, I removed your name so you wouldn't get the notification and accidentally wake up if you are sleeping. About 10AM and I finally dragged myself out of bed. lately - from the bed to the couch - from the couch to the shitter and back to bed and so and repeat.

Sorry I missed you and I read your entire posting.

To start, I sleep about 4 hours of quality sleep and do feel recharged for a change and life doesn't seem so bleak ( there's that perception thing again ... I'm feeling better despite that fact that everything is fucked up around me ) but I'll take it and try to appreciate it. I've been paying attention to my plant and he (I guess its a he Lol) seems to give me strength and my music together. Yeah, even a simply keyboard with the right cords (cord progression) can make a difference which is why I shared that with you and I"m glad you found it soothing.

I'll try to write more later today.

[salvator here]

Yes Sal - we will make it in this life and the next. We already are just by being here and making do regardless of this weird arrangement that currently exists in this neck to the web. We create the worlds we are in. Your are a special being to participate in the way you have and do. That takes strength this place being what it be, whatever that is. Matters little how feeble we feel because your presence here is so much more than what bends our knees and makes us hit the floor. If you don't get up I will and you always seem to do the same when I am down. Then there are times we are both in tune and running well. We have done well here ...

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Now I go get some sleep.

Well that is what friends are for too bad its hard in real life as people here are becoming awful and no compassion and heartless and ugly. it isn't even (Just) politics and religion (Religion is becoming complete and utter screwball city here now) people are latching on to the darkness and its spreading.

Just here at AF now as I stopped posting at the other place. Nothing wrong happened but it was just my time was up there I feel. Likely won't even look for another mental health forum. Don't know where else to go to be honest. I fit like a square peg in a round hole.

Sorry, but you said it was ok to freestyle and obviously I'm all over the place as well.

Sorry I've not expanded better as you did ask me what is going on and I know you care. Just don't even know where to start. So much confusion and mixed apposed (don't know the word), say one thing but do another, I don't know, can't grasp on to anything tangible here anymore. I keep saying "here" but things are quite messy anywhere as I see and had to stop watching the news. So much faith based hate. Can't trust. Cant! But what is trust anyway. Just going to post and say I'm thinking of you and I (truly) want the best for you from the other side of the world. Don't know how or why (well I sort of do, its serendipitous) but we met here and it was for a purpose.

Going to do the same and walk around a bit maybe venture out today even if just up and down the stairs. Luckily the people I life around are nice to me. They accept me as is.

[salvator here]

The very thoughts in our heads as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see.

Somehow, even though I read it, this didn't sink in. I'll try to remember this one going forward. I really can't just leave you hanging as to what is going on. I'm actually not trying to detox; myself. I don't plan to ever touch even a drop of alcohol or forget everything would be over. Just the benzo, Sertraline and the poor food choices. Junk foods. All poison. There are consequences and I know the end result will still be "hangover" and stooping we suffer WD symptoms because all addictive and negative pattern is very addictive. CBT isn't helping me anymore and my therapist is at the point that we just 'wing it' and chat and whatever happens; happens. We do need some supports right now and they don't let me go too far trust me. I guess I'm OK with that part so long as I keep to together enough to not need a 'baby sitter'. Ugh .. a few times this year. Stayed away from the hospital; barely.

Where do we go from here ... not the forum but in life. Yeah, need to somehow maintain some form of dignity. Never know the expiration date. I'm a simple guy.

Heading outside for a short walk just for fresh air - Its 34°F and that should wake me up. Lol.

[Ponder]

hahahahahahahahahaaaaa That Gif is so spot on. rofl.

Hi Sal, sorry for the late reply regarding time zones. I do like it when I can leave a reply that your able to read before bed. I'm not able to reply in full right now but more than pickled to do so later when I am more able. Day 6 is still sapping me and I think it's going to be like this for a while. The heat and rain combined at the moment (been raining for 5 days straight) is very taxing given my current situation. I wish it was like 34°F over here. If I was not so fixated on my computer project I might of somehow got myself a small portable room aircon. That said I hope your not too cold?

I am so glad you have written so much. I'm also loving the way you write it. Spot on ... was easy to read as well. Not that your other posts are not. Just saying you really seemed in the grove. I find it's a great way to write. You expanded very well.

I'm going to give a proper read later and very thankful that you took the time to write. I hope it has in some way helped ... as well as your short walk.

Just wanted to catch you before your late night ... which may be the only time I am feeling more able. Your dead right it's always a nice surprise when we are able to cross timetables. Something you commented on long ago.
______________________

Oh I will answer one thing though, having already skimmed before getting up:

I guest what I meant when I said "The very thoughts in our heads (are) as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see."

I just put in the missed word and I'll explain real quick.

The dying with dignity part was a hole I slipped into when making that statement and can see how that derailed my expression. The part about the way we think more in context to we become what we think or at least encapsulated in the tone in which with process and project. If we become bogged down on one tack we take on too much regardless of happy or sad. Both can weigh us down as each is not always as it seems. Balance is key. Just as when I start rambling on with all this goblydoo I would also so well to cut and past a 100 worn out polar bears. OK perhaps 1 or 2. Your timing was priceless.

The part about the dying with dignity was more about acceptance. Nothing more than that. Perhaps having some insight into the above re thoughts and perhaps learning how to be rather than think. Somewhere in-between actually living and typing. Or live within the act of experience, even if that be with me typing right now. It's not so much what we say but how we say it kind of thing.

I probably messed up explaining once again.

There are a few things you said I may reply on although know you have no expectations ... I just hope your feeling better and that others reading can handle the back slapping. lol We'll keep that in check as well. We don't want to scare away all the readers. hehe.

Sorry that I have to edit so much ... this morning I missed and messed up a lot of words.

[Ponder]

Taking the time to now read good and proper. Here is my Day 6

Thanks for thinking or me re notifications but I don't have any here and or I switch off my phones WIFI and Mobile Data so the only things that can wake me up is an emergency call from family or friends.

Love the outlook re feeling seemingly OK despite everything around being fucked. Plants sure can be good like that too. They definitely help. Yea that link was really something. I go click again on it now.
______________________

I don't have time for those playing games. I'll try to be tolerant but I don't see those who've been fucking with us making a real effort which means we just continue on as is. I once lost the plot. maybe twice, but I know how to make a mends and those who decide there are unable to reconnect - that's OK - I understand. But your right about others toying around without regard whatsoever. We seem to make a good pair when it comes to carving out our own space regardless. I also understand that too can't last forever, but while I am still breathing and this place be here I have no real plans to leave.

I live in a town once nick named that City of Churches. A place full of total BS and it really shows. They even know it.

About finding a place online. We have touched on it a few times. I've always felt there is something wrong with most of the mental health places. Mostly the marketing I guess and feels a bit like the BS in City of Churches. So shallow and full of sheep going with whatever is popular kind of thing. The bitterness also very similar with how control groups quickly attack people for making posts in the wrong section, not titled correctly, not generalized enough or does not fall within mainstream consensus and so and on. Just very petty shit really that only reflect how twisted and out of shape people really be regardless of intellect and niceties. I see straight through it. I also think the problem is just how regressed older people have become with the advent of social media. They act like kids and join in. In that sense there is a huge mass of people that act like so. Quickly lapping up all those identities and live their lives according to the symptoms and traits as defined online. Just like Bible Verses they begin to cite articles that then lead them to becoming whatever.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is no insights to be had online, but simply just trying to make a point. People really are so fucked up that they can't keep it real in said places but use that space to fuck either and or kid themselves while fucking with others. That's the best I can say it. I have tried many times to fit in and find real connections but always plagued with the above.

So it is that we are here??? How about that??? : ) - Please keep my email just in case one day this place disappears. I guess I could keep my Vlogs going since I seem to have a better handle on presenting like that. Just saying it would be good to have a safety line is all.

Yea man - so glad you freestyled that way you did. I know it can be taxing but if you just go through the motions enough it really does get easier to do it and it's also one of the best ways to self heal. It has it's moments to be sure.

I do care. Finding a place to get a footing is indeed super hard. has taken me what feels like 2 year (not quite - I foget) since I was road rage with a pick axe. Since then I have not recovered my health or really got a grip. I think now I might.

When you mention or query how we or others may "Say one thing do another..." I actually mentioned something like it in today's video - perhaps different but I time stamp it. "It's one thing to present one way and then be another and thing what the fuck it going on there?" Perhaps this is different. But like to keep it real I think I am trying to say that depending on my comfort zones that are affected by many things I can be two completely different people. Sometimes I write so calmly but when I go out and can flip out and become non functional.

Perhaps different from outright deception when people know they are deceiving others by saying one thing and doing another. That is different to what I mean ... yet confusion can still reign when I struggle being one way Vs another which has nothing to do with intentional deception whatsoever. It is certainly hard to deal with deceitful people and only adds to why there is so much distrust out there atm ... not discounting all pasts abuses through no fault of our own. Yet must be careful not to make the latter an excuse to continually cry poor me. BINGO → I think that is a major issue with many of the mental health forums. Just threw that in whilst it came to mind. Not just kids doing it - but also many regressed wanna be teens in the 30s,40s,50s, and yes these days 60s. I see that a lot in those places. As defined earlier above.

Yea man ... wish I had some stairs to go up and down. That would be enough of a gym. I hope again your short walk worked out ok and you had a good day and when this finds you; rest.

I tried to better explain that little spiel I said in my previous post: The very thoughts in our heads as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see.

To shorten it even more - better said ... 'We are what we think. Accepting the inevitable with what we can't change may help us to better see.' Let's ride with that?

I have been in therapy since 2012. Nice years. Whilst behavioral therapy can assist in breaking negative patterns, it does not in anyway alleviate the root cause or address unresolved deep rooted issues. CBT is marketed like pills and whilst they too can be beneficial as I assume you well know well enough yourself, unless we do the inner work and come to terms with acceptance on a deeper level, no therapy or course is going to help. Think is terms of ACT - Acceptance Commitment Therapy but take out the Clinical aspect of commitment and Therapy as we typically know them. We often BS ourselves with those aspect showing up to such appointments not really and truly being there. Most people are conditioned to think it is the taking of medicine in context to quick fixes that just by participating in CBT or ACT that they are going to be healed.

I am not meaning this is you - just sharing the context with how commodities (people) are conditioned with and by such clinical services. Sometimes we got to throw away the text book and this is what any good therapist will do once they know they are working with complex cases. Or at least pretend to do. lol In the end it is us that further trains these professionals. It' snice when they can acknowledge as much and whilst when they do it may sound like BS - in many cases it can be true. So hang in there ... From your previous writings about your therapy I get the impression you know how to use such. So many people do not. Of course I don't blame them as it really is a confusing world ... a deceptive one full of so much distrust.

Baby sitter ... lol .. I think I understand and apologize if not. Me being someone that pretty much has someone paid to take me out ... made me think about that comment but your talking about yourself not me. I get it. Hospitals admittances and all that. I understand that too. On that level when dealing with public services and servants ... control is the name of the game and your right ... no one needs that kind of being lorded over. It can be extremely demeaning, inhumane and very controlling ... traumatic at best. The excuse is they are overwhelmed.

Where do we go from here ... not the forum but in life. Yeah, need to somehow maintain some form of dignity. Never know the expiration date. I'm a simple guy.

You just said it best.

I envy the cold weather you are having. I know it's easy for me to say - but I am not doing well at all this summer and I have always much preferred the cold.

Take Care ... Catch up in my morning. Once more thanks so much for taking the time to share as you have. In your own time and all that ... don't stop:

Edit ... I got the lyrics wrong. The seem to fit well actually where I can be flexible with my in the now outlook. That said, I do advocate periods of no thinking when at all possible.

[Ponder]

Vlog Day 7 Laughing at it all & Tired

Not much to say today. It's all in the video I guess. Perhaps a self correction about using me car. I don't like using it since the road rage accident. I do use it from time to time to avoid having to walk out my front door but mostly use my push bike for most short trips, otherwise I am pretty much a passenger for longer bouts. That said I will take over to help on long trips but suffer from the lines in the road that make me sleepy very quick.

ZZZZzzzzzz Might have to have anafternoon grandad nap. hehe.

Catch up later no doubt.