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Welcome to the Anxiety Forum - A Home for Those with Anxiety, Fear, or Panic Attacks.
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Glad you like it. Hope to find another like it later in the day. Please excuse me next Vlog entry as I make my way through day 2. Massive headaches and little sleep but I am doing my best to perk up.
Day 2
Not much else to report as I am 100% focused on getting through the next few days which will be the worst of it pain wise.
Turns out that stopping either both coffee and sugar on their own can cause major headaches. I was into both quite heavily before stopping. No wonder I am struggling with intense headaches. That said, so far so good. Last bout I did this I was still feeling it heavily on Day 3. I can't remember how active I was then but I am guessing it was more than now. That fact combined with hard hard I have been hitting all the wrong beverages and foods, I expect Day 4 might see me still in the intense withdrawal phase.
Yawns ... ZZZzzz Has to be done! I don't like using exclamations marks these days, but figure I will have to pull a few out for the next couple of days.
That's a wrap to my day. I'll wrap up day two as monumental achievement. Just as day 3, 4, and so on will also be.
I seem to be on top of things thus far. I have no idea where this will lead but have a good inkling of where I would like to take it. Not something I am going to waffle on about at this point. That being still a fragile one. I had a surprise visitor pop through my door while just starting my Day 3 Vlog. I often put him on camera while he makes his own version of what he watches re Minecraft YouTube Vids.
Surprise visitor:
Keeping it short until I have more energy:
Still very much in the early stages - basically akin to drug withdrawals. Not funs stuff - but the fruit to bare I know well enough. I just focus on that. See you on Day 4.
Last edited by Ponder; 11-27-2021 at 05:12 PM.
I am struggling somewhat this morning but as has been typical of me I will push through because I know when I have had enough of one mind track Vs another. I've really let myself go so far that this time that the pain of living as I have been, is as comparable to the detox journey itself. In that light I really have nothing to lose to pushing on through.
I remind myself I am my own audience but the way I behave is very much influenced by what I allow myself to perceive. This dynamic like many others is not so black and white. It takes a certain level where you can watch different things without being negatively impacted as one may have been before. Whilst I am thinking in terms of how we are all conditioned in todays world with out phones, tablets, TVs and Displays, the context also applies to what we see out our front doors. The way people act and behave without each other. That also affected be each individuals capacity and exposure to both outside and on their screens.
But to ground oneself is to see things in a different light, not be so easily led but also not trying to 'be' in control. That's a different take from taking control when the reigns have been clearly dropped and your heading for a cliff. Trying to be in control is more about being resistant to what is, Vs taking control to avoid obvious downfall. For me, taking control sees me gravitating to more meaningful content that adds something of worth to my life. During those more optimal times when watching less helpful content I will question more what is and why I am watching said content. I'm a long shot from being that way right now but that insight is starting to take place for me once again and I once more attempt to take control.
Like I know 'Just for Laughs' has actors reacting to setup situations or at least plants them where most of the time is can be all actors with a few genuine surprised passer bys. Perhaps they are all genuine - I really don't know anymore. That is kind of another point. But I understand the gist of the humor and allow myself a few good laughs regards of all the questioning going on in my head. The example the same for the Devil Baby I just posted about. Of course I understand there will be others who get caught up on certain aspects of a share due to all kinds of invested emotions, conditioning, culture and so on. Those aspects being many of the society's tentacles that I am personally working towards disconnecting from. It's a life long process and I'm not sure any of us every really get to remove ourselves. Yet, a sense of freedom can be had whilst living said the cage.
With the right mindset the bars grow wider where you can slip on through to another region that offers up new sensations that make living a little more worthwhile and or the waiting for one's end more welcoming. Either of those two versions depending where you are on life's journey. Whilst I chose not to beleive mainstream analytical consensus or in laymen's terms 'evidence based' findings, I will most certainly instead take 'my own' anecdotal evidence over such limiting and controlling fundamentals and decide how it is that I wish to live and die.
To be sure my minds immediately and sarcastically tells me, "Yea sure - that's exactly what you have been doing!" I simply remind it that I've had many bouts of enduring periods Vs suffering. I know for some, enduring amounts to the same thing as suffering. This is where my words may only be understood by a very few, but more important I understand and do so the more I tell myself like so. This is how I find meaning in a world where I see none. To find the desire to move when there is none. These aspects being from the well that I draw from to which I know is 100% counter to all the content prioritized by this advancing world's algorithm. I smile here because I know this talk meets with a lot of main stream resistance. I may even alienate myself further from those few connections I have made online and out my front doors. Not sever connections, but less contact be made as a result of the space into which I allow myself to enter. In fact that mainstream analytical consensus I mentioned earlier that reasons everything with so called evidence based data that is again 100% conditioned and influentially designed, see that anyone outside that pattern of thinking is pretty much on their own.
So it is of extra importance to me that I learn to accept myself fully. Accept the tings I cannot change and above all, accept my perceptions with all of the above in mind. There is really nothing deep about that. It actually makes a lot of sense of my intention is to disconnect. How to do so whilst still watching the screens before my eyes, whilst being in the world programmed as I know it to be has already been answered with the above.
I feel this comeback for lack of appropriate term, is the hardest of all I have been struggling with. I feel not just because of age combined with intensity of experience (although plays a huge part) but more so because of the increasing technological constraints and one's predisposed capacity making one very prone to losing one's self control. The infinity factor (looping/irony/constantly reoccurring/reliving) is that we are often told we suffer like so because we 'chose' this or that. This aspect of choice whilst on one hand said to be the holly grail to fining peace no matter what prison you find yourself in, is on the other hand used to reason why suffering exists to begin with. The latter I find more a convientant take as bitterly projected by many unhappy with their own circumstances and projected by controlling forces to protect the framework of their self interests. This dynamic ever present in all the concepts, stories and ideals ever read, heard or uploaded. "You agreed!" Now comes the sales pitch on how to break contracts you never knew you signed. This is not just a from of control used by new age cults but the same used in our local governments. Choice and Control is one of the most overused phrases in the National Disability Scheme I am currently on. A long time ago for me it used to be Obligatory Conditions as defined by the Government 'Newstart' Employment 'Services' in order to have a right to live. Be assured the last few words is pretty much what it all comes down to in today's existence as defined by today's society.
It's a value system which is nothing new. But the way in which it has panned out and where it is heading has not been the same. Whilst I embark on reclaiming my health, I only do so to minimize the pain of living in such a toxic world. What story learn towards at this stage it none other than my own. I now chuckle because whilst I repel from the way the likes of Eckhart Tolle are lifted and held, I do tend towards the giving up of stories. Especially the one about self. Yet this world could not be any more self centered than it is today.
Clearly I am not into the subs or likes here. Chuckles at that. Is what it is. I love tearing down this world in my own way. I hate it and everything in it. However, I am not wishing to be a part of its destructive ways. I'm careful not to personalize it with people in here or individuals out my front door. Live and let live ... makes sense to me. I'm just not seeing any people really living is all. There are plenty of profiles that attest to living it up and given just how much a profile means to all aspects of the above - I'm finding it harder to connect as more and more people are struggling to live under such constraints. The cost of so called winning in this world leaves behind a very long trail of so called losers. The energy from such plays into the economy that in context to my write up today, highlights the concept of obsolescence where humans today more at any other point in history, are as close to material things where the meaning of life is no more than to be siphoned off as commodities. The infinity factor (reliving) I present once more as no more than going from one slave based society into yet another one ... and so on and on.
Alrighty then ... I smile because writing like so is very much a welcomed escape and actually opens the cage door when viewing it like so.
Forgive me candor on the ending there. Just keeping it balanced and these insights need not be a drag. I personally find such insights key to moving on from an otherwise insufferable/intolerable world.
I did struggle when I woke up and perhaps a little fragmented in my morning Vlog - but feeling much better now ... looking forward to Day 5 - but content to live Day 4.
Last edited by Ponder; 11-28-2021 at 03:02 PM.
Hi Dave ... been reading and waching your vlogs.
Here for you.
Thanks Sal. Well received on both counts.
Forgive me as I need to write the following as no more than a means to squeeze a zit. That said I do hope this finds you as well as can be.
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I just finished replying to a rejection letter/email re support coordination. All I am hearing is that no one has the capacity. A term I think many of us in here know well. Yet when I hear it consistently from government agencies it all begins to lose meaning and or I try not to reason it for fear of giving into to destructive thinking. Since CV hit said agencies have struggled keeping connections on a level that counts which is why I am currently without support coordination. I had to terminate the last rep because they were simply not keeping in touch with either myself or most importantly, front line supports. Which means they really don't know much about my progress / status when it comes to writing up their own reports. Thus my perception of the program I am on starts to take a negative spin. This way of dealing with me confuses/frustrates me and leaves me feeling less of a human as well as highlights my musings on people as commodities.
I have no choice now but to contact the main centralized line and explain how my reputation proceeds me. "No one in the local area has the capacity for me." Of course I will not be as sarcastic as that.
This means I will no longer have a choice in who coordinates me or more concerning no way to be matched up. Matching up clients with workers who have an understanding in the area of presented conditions/challengers goes a long way to success as termed by main stream society. (Success is a tainted word for me and a huge irony in terms of how it's sold in society) I will end up having to deal with someone over the phone or purely online via email with someone who does not understand me. Unfortunately that kind of connection will not bode well and is destined for 'failure!'. (A word I know well) It's a great environment for complacency where these government workers can keep their distance and adhere more to the constraints of policy and procedures that are more designed for budget than they are for promoted goals. The last few years have been dictated by reduced funding where in that quest many individuals have themselves - been reduced. Incapacitated on the human level.
So this afternoon when my support person comes, we'll call up HQ and explain the difficulty and leave it with them. They will no doubt have me end up with some kind of belt driven agency which I will have to accept. What makes this all so hard is knowing what support coordination is. Also having had one for a few years that did her job so well and knew how to connect. So sad the people either burn out are are themselves reduced.
I only have a few front line supports. They have been with me between ten and several years. They'll let me know if support coordination is not assessing reports and instead of terminating this time around, I'll just remain a pain in their side just like what my kidneys are doing to me right now. Just going to have to play it smarter is all. ZZZZzzz Such a drain but getting a little wiser to my situation. You learn as you go where there is always something new to keep up with in terms of changing policies and News. The latter I do not watch. It is typically dictated to me through said supports. I'm fortunate though to have good people next to me. Client & worker matching is important to me. I won't stay long with people only in it for the money. Those type are easy to spot. I feel for them, but human services is not a good place to be if its only about that $$$. Yet we all know that true value of society.
This is why I really need to heal and disconnect from such toxic schemes but life as it is today in 2021 really is a struggle for me without some of the supports I receive. It's just a 'shame' what they make you go through to prove yourself worthy. Like I have said many times before "The process is designed to keep you broken" where there claims of choice and control that promote better living conditions is distorted by the way in which the admin delivers its schemes. These Government schemes are very much employment focused (winners) meant to drive the economy first and foremost 'using' broken people (losers) in-between. On the surface it looks like very utopian, but the reality is far from it.
Of course this take may give rise to those whom are doing much better to draw comparisons with 3rd world countries as a response to my conclusions/experiences. I've heard it all before through many group sessions and disgruntled government puppets; typically working only for the money. Or so called plain people just confused, upset and living in eternal resistance. In terms of human spirit I make my point stand. Far better to only have one carrot for three days but surrounded by people who better understand, than a quest for MORE based on millions of carrots on millions of sticks. I say fuck that shit and fuck the ideals that are conditioned to think like so. If you want to make such an augment, then sell all your things and send you money overseas, lest your reasoning have no meaning. Drop those millions of sticks but send those millions of carrots where you say they will do better? Instead authorities make that more of a charity quest tainted in all sorts of ideology. The same ideology that dehumanizes anyone not onboard regardless of geographic location. The problem with todays world is global and has been since it's advent in technology to which humanity has proven too immature to cope with. It weaponizes such things form machines down to schemes.
Alas I end this by making that phone call this afternoon when supported and be content with the carrots in my fridge. If people actually ate more carrots I think the world would have way less problems.
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Chin UP - I go do my Vlog as in keeping to my own plan which is far more important than following a bogus one.
Back soon ... thanks again for the well wishes. I have read you in turn and been listening to those tunes all the way through writing this. Thanks for your patience. Whilst going through this detox I need to write like so. I mean not to create waves.
DAY 5
Watching this right now ... got as far 2:53. Please know without question, I can relate. This is NOT about me. We are suffering from abuse there is no question. You mentioned drinking at the time, I also have fatty liver. Please not about me about you. sorry had to stop for tonight and I WILL respond in the AM. 8PM and there is nothing left of me and I've been curled up in a ball on my couch all day and thought it was Sunday.
I'll stick by you no matter what.
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