Dave's Dairy

[salvator here]

Yeah, got to rest and not stress your body or mind. Must save all energy to recover. You will have small spurts of feeling better and weakness. Normal/Expected. Do you have a fever? If so; GOOD! Your body doing its job, but it will win the fight. Don't get worried (yeah, easy to say) you're doing all the right things now thank goodness for that.

For us that struggle already, this is 'total body' illness. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. Take all the time you need to recover and repair afterwards <- sort of mean, just get better no matter what and deal with after effects. You know full well what I'm trying to say and not say about the dreaded CV. People worry so much and die from that alone. Body still has to get better regardless and people die from cold because they eat 3 cheeseburgers a day a smoke 2 packs a day and wonder why. Even "IF" (I didn't say that, of course), fighting the symptoms and allow the body to do its job. Sweat your ass off to get rid of the bug.

Oh ... your plants, I believe they will help you. Sorry, just came to me. Be around them you can walk to outside back and forth.

Hate to say this, and I do feel bad seeing you're cleaning up. I imagine anxiety city for you. Can you take even small benzo dosage to manage? If not please ignore.

Of course, no need to reply. Only think about calm energy and the movie sounds great.

[Ponder]

I did in fact do a lot of sweating yesterday and as you say feeling a lot better today having broken through the worst of it all. One day before my prediction of day 27. I bought some green tea which you may see in my Day 26 video as I walking past my kitchen bench. I generally do not like drinking green tea as I have read in large quantities is not good as it is cut as a young plant. Young plants also give off pheromones to stop animals eating them so that the plant can grow. The properties found in such when cut so young at not good for the human body let alone other animals that naturally avoid them. Was a long article but the gist of it made sense to me. Green tea can be good but it's all about dose. Given I don't have it often and have been eating clean for the past 25 days - I do believe it's healing properties worked for me. I'll have some more but not going to drink it like cordial, coffee or tea in general. Timing is a big thing with plants like that. Also classified as fluid that dehydrate. It's a sipping tea with healing properties but in terms for people that struggle with portion control is can be unhealthy.

All that said I am very glad you mentioned it. I'm taking it like Chinese medicine. Small cup and sipping and not overly regular. I know it helped and about to make another cup

I also went out for fert5ilized my plants ... came across a snake and just mingled with my plants. I pretty much just followed your advice, took your encouragement and warm words as got better. Thanks!

I'm OK re meds. I have script of Valium which is better for me. When my anxiety goes out of control it is a lot higher than most average anxiety suffers. More to do with my certifications and overlapping nature of those. For now I got a good handle on it but YES - I have been having like exercise rages but without the exercise. Chuckles at the insanity of it all.

Just keeping focused on my routine is helping enough. The illness was more a painful and draining distraction from an otherwise fruitful venture that is still very much in the early phase and more or less still withing the detoxing phase.

Watched a movie yesterday and ended up crying at the end of it:
Netflix The Unforgivable

Day 26: On The Mend - Getting Back Into My Projects

[salvator here]

Terrific!

You see, nature never lets us down and our bodies (when in sync) have amazing healing abilities. Beautiful world and nature and the plants are there for us (even the snake wouldn't have hurt you), only people suck (present company not included, of course). That bug tried to weaken you both physically and mentally to get control of the host, but you won that battle because of everything you're doing. You will get even stronger every day now.

I will keep that in mind and start to sip tea rather than drink it by the gallon lol Besides, its all the experience with tea.

Doctors here won't prescribe V anymore, so the Kpin is better than nothing and I DO need it right now badly. The Sertraline is actually making me worse now I think and I don't know what to do. The world is a mess and everything is falling apart around me. I didn't post it last night, but I hit a very dangerous low spot. Still recovering this morning and not out of the woods yet and I'm trying to figure why I'm still here and for what purpose. Last night all I could think about was jumping into traffic.

Sorry, will try in my thread to find something and will watch your progress. You usually help me as I need to have a good example.

[salvator here]

Think we need to find some razzmatazzapam =P

[Ponder]

Hey there Sal. Thank you for your continued support. I feel I must express how I think differently daily events.

I know the analogy (of battle re my illness) you use means well Sal but I have to say, I advocate a different approach when viewing the chemical interactions that take place inside our bodies; both those comfortable and uncomfortable. Perhaps we watch too many movies where the intended plot is almost always lost within the hostilities and tensions that humans are well known to embrace and or resist. Typically both one and the same time. I guess this is why we are such a sick species.

Forgive me Sal. Just a reminder that I aim to take another path in terms of such a view when it comes to the viewing of circumstances as a battle or fight. My very being is in resistance every day and is often what brings me down both mentally and physically. Our very language, the way we think and the paths we are all being led down is what is making us and this world sick.

Please allow me to consider this damaging mindset that we are often encouraged to adopt. Nature works so well because is allows the natural course of life to be as is, whilst on the other hand humans are always looking to dominate and always win. So it is that we biped-species with oversized brains have all but destroyed most of nature as was once known in its natural state and instead created a world based on artificial constructs that limits natural ways of being; especially that ability to heal.

This 'disconnect' that we all now find ourselves living in, is one of dependency on a system regardless of intentional or not, requires that we think in negative mindsets that keep us bound on many fronts. Always viewing each day as just another battle, something we must overcome, cure, beat, conquer and so on.

Personally in terms of living peacefully I think it is crucial that we change this language and the way in which we think. It's deeply ingrained in us all the time and I often find myself doing it but I also know it is the very thing that spins my anxiety and bouts of behaviors that excessively and compulsively hold me back.

I thought the movie 'The Accountant' was a good watch more in terms of how it portrayed the debilitating nature of resistance itself whilst at the same time show how it is that only through acceptance are we able to thrive. The latter term being a more mindful word Vs excel as then we fall back into the language of dominance that gives rise to our destructive egos that are so prominent in this world.

So it is, in this artificial world that we are controlled so easily by the language we are taught no matter what one lives or what dialect they speak. It is that eternal resistance we are led to live that seeks to control us more than the resulting chemical processes that end physically impact us when sick.

I seek to turn the tables and allow what is, rather than make it a personal battle from day to day. This is how I am able to continue in my current theme of keeping clean and detaching from such mindsets that weaken me.

I could go on but need to refocus; doing the things that I enjoy. I am not out to win any fights.

I only share like to remind everyone and yourself that I can't play this world's game like so. It's the very reason I do not fit in. For me it is the missing piece of that puzzle in the movie that we expressed as much. The only difference for me in my script, is I do not Muhammad Ali standing over a victim as later defined by the father in that movie. Instead I seem many other choices that lead to peace.

I hope you can accept that this write up comes from a well intended place. I'm still physically unwell and not quite out of the wood (lol - humans using that term to escape what is) ...
________________________________

Sorry for the wall of text. Typically this means I am doing well regardless of the chemical process going on. hehe

Yea - that Sertraline & or Zoloft have never worked for me. In fact none of the mood altering ones do in my circumstances. I should probably try try the strobe method used in referred movie minus the beating myself with hard wooden stick. lol. That said, all the best finding out whatever works. Obviously your know your not doing so well with the sertraline so perhaps trying another alternative either chemically or or mentally. I could never day what is going to work for anyone other than myself. That said, so many people do in the more active forums like these when it comes to advice on chemical constraints.

I only use Valium from time to time and still even then it only takes the edge off. I still have to deal with what take place in this monkey mind.

Righto - I am off for a bicycle ride this morning before it gets any hotter. I am aiming to loosen up more of the gunk in my chest. I still have raspy cough however grateful that my throat is less painful and that I can breath much easier regardless of all the lingers.

The day and this world in not to be conquered but in my view to be accepted for what is. So it is that I will try to be more mindful when writing about such things.

Take care Sal and thanks again for your support. I hope I can do that same.

Peace out Bro. As best we can find it.
.

[salvator here]

Gonna try, my friend, all we can do is try to accept things that I've no control over.

Yeah, all I want now is peace of mind, sometimes so hard to find. I don't know.

I speak to my therapist tomorrow and I just don't know anymore. She always says acceptance is hard to do, but only way. Whats the alternative, fight it and go out sour and full of hate. I don't know, I've seen bitter people dark to the core and I don't want to be that.

8 PM and time to watch: The Lost Boys.

Hope your bicycle ride helped you

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093437/

[Ponder]

Acceptance needn't be hard. I think is more an issue of us getting in our own way. The pain and suffering becomes like a drug unto itself were when all we know is that feeling so low that we find it hard to let go in the face of anything else. Bit like a morbidly obese person struggle with sudden weight loss not knowing how to act when wearing thin clothes. So it is that we often struggle with peace when it's right there along side us all the time. That is one analogy that makes sense to me. It's kind of in the understanding that I tend to unravel such a mess. Each to their own I guess.

Yea I made the bike gentle thanks and even managed an afternoon walk. Nothing to long or strenuous. No video today as still in recovery mode and those activities was enough to ware me down. I also spent a full day calbling my computer and still not yet finished. That experience involved a fair amount of OCD but needed for me to get the job done right.

Arrrr CLASSIC Move that one. Thanks for the reminder.

I hope you have a good day whilst I rest well.

Hang in there Sal ... we'll get past Xmas soon enough

[Ponder]

Project Update:

I can't believe after all that the 4 fans pictured on the side of case like so need to be take off and turned around. Ussually I am pretty good with such details but this time around I got lost in the multitude of wired components and devices that I &^%$ed up big time as now I have to take out a LOT of stuff just to turn those fans around. Hence to say I will have a very good bonding session and know the schematics of my computer very well.

Because I am water cooling - I really need perfect these little thing off the bat as having to drain the loop in order to correct one cabling mistake would have be screaming in a fit. lol Narrrr ... all's good. I'll just use distilled water and save the expensive coolant until I have been through the yelling and scream a few times. Then I will have all I need to hack the pentagon computers.

So basically after taking these shots, I now go for a walk, come back pull out half the wiring, the inside bottom fans and front radiator and water cooling reservoir + a few other things and only then can I access those side fans. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Righto ... off for my walk.

[Ponder]

Mowed part of the back yard - will do rest later. Feeling extremely fatigued for some reason. Have decided to put the computer off till tonight where I will spend a few hours then fixing the fans I mentioned then pack it all up to make space for Xmas lunch the day after tomorrow. No rush - so far is a good job because I am taking my time.

Still spitting out yellow clumpy bits in my spit. Chest is still congested. I think I will avoid the heat today. 31 degrees Celsius (88 Fahrenheit) partly cloudy.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Mowing in the heat has sapped me.

PS - Anyone interested - James Web Telescope Soon to be launched. 2 Days Time ... Something like that or maybe tomorrow?

[Ponder]

Vlog Day 28 - Enter At Own Risk