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  1. #61
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    I've pretty much set myself up in that above forum Sal. Same Avatar but changed my name from Ponder to Newbie for a fresh beginning.
    I'm still here of course (for now) but figured I would let you know I am prepping to leave and hopefully for good. I explained why in my AF thread.

    I do hope your able to pop in from time to time.

    Sorry you are caught in a deep rut. I should be available in this newly created forum otherwise I will for sure make note of your name over at NMP.

    Too much to carry in here. I think it want to revert to what is was which is find by me as along as I have a new space which I am feeling OK with for now as is looking pretty good.

    Once more, I do hope you pop over as the new place is specially designed for people to post whatever and however they choose. Fully respect though that you need space. Just saying is all.

  2. #62
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    Sal - I made a post direct to Nicola explain what I was looking for re a Journal Board within a forum category. You were nice enough to ask so I thought I would show interest and am prepared to ditch the forum I started making if they are accommodating to my request.

    Edit ... Judging by the way some members are popping into the thread you made and acting like your request is a poll, I am not sure NMP is going to be a place I can handle very well. I'll try if they are accomadting, however without a specific place for journaling, it kind of defeats the purpose for me. I'll keep looking for someone with a little action whilst using my new space as well. The forum I made lets me put in more than 5 images and seems to have quite a few other perks when it comes to journaling features. Very hard to get with other forums let alone find sub categories for Journaling. Weight loss places have them, but not really my thing ... although weight loss I need and I have kept a likewise dairy or two.


    Thank you sal

    Hope your felling a little better?
    Last edited by Ponder; 06-21-2021 at 12:52 AM.

  3. #63
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    Jan 2016
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    I think I'm just going to watch the remake of Fright Night on Netflix tonight.

    I feel like shit

  4. #64
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    Well.. I got out today but it was awful, but I'm here. Home sweet home.

    I'm going to watch something I've been putting off as I'm not sure I need to be watching sad things, but I'm going to (attempt to) watch.

    https://www.netflix.com/title/81040370

    Pray Away 2021.

    A documentary about the harm "Conversion Therapy" caused to LGBTQIA folks that had to go through that and just how damaging religion can be - as If I don't already know that. Luckily, although growing up was hard, I was never subjected to such nonsense and was allowed to just be myself and not a confused mess because of fear(s) that God hates me and dams me to hell for something I did not "chose". I feel really bad that in 2021 there are still people struggling (questioning) this. Good grief, though I don't care much for 'labels' I suppose I'm actually Queer/Asexual ... I just say I'm gay because people have a hard time understanding it; just easier that way. Besides that doesn't define me.

    Oh well, if it gets me depressed then its off and back to a stupid vampire movie or some killer in a hockey mask.

    You know the saying: Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me. Wait.. is that is ... hahahaha

  5. #65
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    Jan 2016
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    Well.. I have to speak to my therapist today and I don't know what to say, I've made little to no progress. I've been finding my days aren't getting better and sometimes getting worse as the day progresses and it won't let up enough to give me a break.

    Its just so much. I don't know. I'm supposed to pick up where I left off regarding my case again this September and I have no energy or desire or drive. Just so much. Hard to explain. I have to go thought another Neuropsychological Testing even through its as clear as day my diagnosis but the system is fighting me at every turn.

    Deeply sad, worried, panicked, scared, angry, spiteful, regretful, and at times I wish I were dead already. I don't see how this is going to improve. Suicide has become much more than a 'fleeting thought' lately.

    Just feel like its all slipping away. Crap, it already slipped away ages ago and I'm just existing and feel already dead.

    Sorry to be so depressing guys.

    EDIT: Jeez all those typos ... I'll just leave it as is.

  6. #66
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    :evil:

  7. #67
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    I'm back Sal - not sure how long but whilst I am here know that I am reading you once again and always here to help if I can. Thanks for touching base. Since being back I have been enjoying a number of your varied posts. I personally think it's normal to be up and down at the best of times let alone in a world bent out of shape as is now. I only hope I can off set my own struggles with as many encouraging posts as yours.

    Thanks for the one above! Now I know where I can go when my battery is running low.

  8. #68
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    I just got up. It's good to see you back

  9. #69
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    Giving this one a go today to try and regain what I've lost over the last few days. My mind easily turns into cottage cheese if I don't use it. I'll play a easy game or 2 and let this one go and just let it take me wherever regardless. My mood is somewhat stable today for some reason, but I feel something dragging my (already fractured) Psyche into dark places. I'm trying to distract myself when it happens because it serves no purpose today as I just need to go through the motions and see. I don't know what I'm facing today; honestly.

    UGH

  10. #70
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    SAL - what did you mean when you said "I'm not even going to continue with my case this year ... Understand if you don't want to elaborate but since you mentioned it in my other thread ... I am all ears!
    What's happening brother? I've still got an appeal going on myself. Can be quite draining and feel very much the same way.

    I'm sorry if my return and candid ways have interrupted a good mood. That said, I'm still here to help. I've said what I needed saying
    Ponder, I decided after having a good session with my therapist just got off the phone that I will continue with my case.

    EDIT: She said (her words) "hands down" there is NO reason you are not qualified to receive benefits and there is no way she would EVER want me to try and put myself back into the work force as I couldn't handle it and am already struggling with day to day issues. To even attempt something when unstable as I am I would likely act on my suicidal thoughts. Hard also to accept that I am disabled but there is no question and I need to not pretend I'm something I'm not. Its just been tough for me for so many reason and conflicting diagnosis and manipulated test results. so hard to explain and I will try again later.

    Right now, I seriously need to get the hell up out of this house and get some fresh air as I've been hiding inside and it too nice, so I agreed to allow somebody to take me to the village and starbucks. I'm dressed and ready to go. I take a benzo with me in case I get an attack while in public.
    Last edited by salvator here; 09-03-2021 at 01:11 PM.

 

 

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